The world is a dangerous place. Oh, not for all the tornadoes, wild fires, and hungry wildlife – it’s the people.
Yeah, people are dangerous; and not just the usual people, like your children, gang members and John Rambo. I’m talking normal people, like drive-up bank tellers and kindergarten teachers. Some of these people are badasses and they can fuck up your day.
How can you tell the difference between a mild mannered librarian and a savage killing machine? You can’t. But I can, and I’m naming names. As a public service to all you Average Guys out there, here is a list of normal, everyday people who have demonstrated a vast amount of badassery. Sure some of the people on this list aren’t Average Guy’s because they’re chicks but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if even the women on this list pull out their monster dongs and face fuck alligators just for fun. These are people you don’t want to fuck with:
Celsa Aleman, 38, Acapulco, Mexico
Associated Press headline: “Woman riding a donkey fights off lion with machete”
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| What the lion felt like after a woman on a donkey handed him his ass. |
Aleman, then 35, and her seven-year-old niece rode a donkey on a rural road near Acapulco in August 2008 when an African lion appeared through the brush and charged the donkey. Aleman drew a machete and beat the fucking thing in the head until it dashed back into the brush.
The lion that escaped from a private zoo had killed two dogs and ate a pig before it had its ass handed to it by a woman on a donkey.
Badass factor: 7 out of 10
Jason Cull, 40, Sydney, Australia
Associated Press headline: “Australian pokes shark in the eye to survive mauling”
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| Don't fuck with Australians. |
Cull, then 37, was out for a swim off Middleton Beach in southwestern Australia in May 2008, in a place known for sharks – you know, the ocean – when he was attacked by, strangely enough, a shark.
The 16-foot shark, thought to be a great white, bumped into Cull, which apparently only pissed him off. You do NOT want to piss off an Australian. They’re bigger badasses than Germans.
“I sort of punched it, and it grabbed me by the leg and dragged me under the water,” Cull told the Associated Press. “I just remember being dragged backwards underwater. I felt along it, I found its eye and I poked it in the eye, and that’s when it let go.”
He fought off a shark. A shark.
Badass factor: 8 out of 10
Brooke Collins, 22, Juneau, Alaska
ABC News headline: “Woman punches black bear in nose to save dog”
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| Doesn't Brooke look sweet with her puppy? She beat up a bear. |
Collins, 22, had just let her dogs out to play in August when she heard one yelp. She rushed outside to find a black bear pinning her 12-year-old dachshund, Fudge, to the ground. So, she did what any normal Alaskan would do. Call animal control? No. Lock the door and think, “gosh, I’m glad that’s not me?” No way. Run toward the bear bellowing “Fudge that” like a Norse berserker? Yep. That’s what she did.
“I was screaming to startle the bear and ran up to it thinking if I got close to it, it would run off, but I got within inches and it still wouldn’t go,” Collins told ABC News. “So I punched it in the nose.” Of course she did. Bitch is crazy. The bear dropped the dog and ran into the trees.
Badass factor: 9 out of 10
Han Besau, 55, Kg Sungai Tiang, Malaysia
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| Pussy for life. |
London Daily Mail headline: “Woman saves husband from tiger attack by beating it with a wooden ladle in Malaysian jungle”
Besau, a housewife, heard her 60-year-old husband Tambun Gediu screaming like he was being attacked by a fucking tiger because he was being attacked by a fucking tiger. Besau ran toward the 600-pound cat, screaming something like, “oogie boogie” or whatever the shit they speak in Malaysia, and started smacking it over the head with a soup ladle.
“It would have clawed me to death if my wife had not arrived,” Tambun told the Daily Mail from his hospital bed knowing full well he’ll be called a pussy the rest of his life.
The tiger ran off into the bushes knowing if this woman was fucking crazy enough to attack it with a big ass spoon, no telling what she’d do to it. Tigers aren’t stupid.
Badass factor: 10 out of 10
Juliane Koepcke, 57, Munich, Germany
Newsweek headline: “17-Year-Old Only Survivor in Peruvian Accident”
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| She was even a badass at prom. |
Koepcke was a 17-year-old high school senior at the time. She was flying to see her dad. She was probably writing in her diary or whatever in the hell high school girls do, like not putting out or something when SHIT GOT REAL. God or Zeus or some other dude with a white beard living in the sky was bored as fuck so he decided to chuck a lightning bolt at Koepcke’s plane. Koepcke fell two miles from the sky and then got up and said, “Fuck you, gravity. I ain’t no punk.” But Koepcke is German so it probably sounded like she was choking on a sauerkraut sandwich and telling people to kill Jews.
If that’s not badass enough this chick then walked her happy ass right out of the jungle for nine days until she came across some lumberjacks (Whom I’m sure she banged. I mean come on, they’re lumberjacks). The lumberjacks, being learned doctors and what not, decided they better treat this babe’s wounds because they looked like they were probably infected because there were all sorts of jungle bugs flying around them. So they busted out some gasoline (lumberjacks treat all wounds and illnesses with gasoline) and poured it in her wounds. This bitch is so hard I bet she didn’t even flinch. Koepcke told the London Daily Mail, "I counted 35 worms that came out of my arms alone." after they poured gasoline on her cuts.
As if she wasn’t bad ass enough Koepcke was the only person that survived the crash. Ninety-one other people died – pussies.
Badass factor: 10 out of 10
These BAMFs are not alone. Dangerous people surround us every second of every day. Lesson here? Become a recluse shut-in (well, a recluse, alcoholic shut-in). You’ll live longer.
