The Average Guy’s Random Identity Generator

There are times when an Average Guy hits the bars just to watch sports, or get drunk, or watch sports while getting drunk. Then there are times an Average Guy hits the bars to find some girl we want to nail and never, ever see again. Ever.

The clever guys can pull this off. The rest of us suffer from a severe case of the “oh, shits.” That’s when we get a call on our cell phone at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m., and noon, then every two hours until you’d rather crap razor wire than feel that disloyal little bastard vibrate in your pocket one more time.

Anonymous? Yes. Unappreciated? Never.

Your mistakes? 1) you gave some anonymous pair of tits your real name even though you don’t remember hers, and 2) you left your cell phone on the table when you got up to take a piss. Remember, if you’re scouting for something you’d never date, you’re lowering your standards. Hell, you just want to find something as quick and easy to get into as a steaming bowl of Top Ramens. You don’t want her showing up at your front door; the neighbors might see.

Rule No. 1 – leave no clues.

How do you do this? Getting a stealth lay is a mission, so do what every good secret agent does – become someone else.

Sure, being a secret agent looks fun in the movies, but assuming another identity isn’t as easy as the chick you’re looking for – and it shouldn’t be. Chasing tail, even skank, can be hard work.

For example, if you adopt an East Coast identity and you don’t study the customs, major exports, capitol cities, sports franchises, and most common venereal diseases of the East Coast, the chick’s going to know you’re lying and the chase is over – you lost. Once you have an identity, it has to be your identity. This means do your homework so you can answer questions drunk. Just saying you’re Turk Thunderfuck from Wet Pussy, Iowa, doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know corn grows in Iowa and you’re speaking with a fucking Irish accent.

Rolling your role

There's no such thing as a +4 Die of Getting Laid. Sorry, nerds.

To establish your one-night-stand identity, don’t get cute. Let’s face it, guys, some of us just aren’t that creative. To get around all the “Hi, I’m John Smith. I can’t give you my real name because I work for the CIA” bullshit, we’re going to make your identity randomly dependent on the roll of 6-sided dice.

Why 6-sided and not 12-sided? Because this isn’t Dungeons and Dragons, nerd. This is Dungeons and Dragons for people who are actually going to get laid. Average Guys don’t keep 47-sided dice around the house. We do, however, have a Yatzhee box in the garage full of 6-sided dice that could possibly cause a girl’s pants to spontaneously leap three feet from her ass into the back seat of your car. So, Poindexter, keep your Dungeon Master’s Guide away from my penis-to-vagina saving throw, or whatever shit I’m trying to say.

First roll – Region

The region fate chooses for you is important because that gives you a cultural identity. For that cultural identity, just go to Wikipedia. If the information’s wrong, which it probably is, just get her drunker than shit and she won’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now, grab a die from that Yahtzee game and get started.

1=Southwest

2=Midwest

3=East Coast

4=West Coast

5=Upper Midwest

6=South

Average Guy Getting Laid Tip: When finding your region, roll until you land in a region you’re not currently in. This not only makes it harder for the target to see through your subterfuge (that’s a big fucking word. I’m using it because I rolled Associate Professor from Threeway, Connecticut. Take that shit), people from other areas of the country seem exotic and more fun for chicks to blow. And I’ll take a sloppy drunk hummer over Chlamydia any day.

Second and Third rolls – Name

Your new name is only important to remember when she says, “Hey, Ben. My panties are soaked. Let’s go fuck on the roof.” YOU WILL WANT TO HEAR HER. As soon as you roll a new name, memorize it. You don’t need to know anything about your name. Who cares what Alexander means in Old English? And if the girl you’re hitting on asks what nationality McMahon is, look at her like she’s a fucking retard and start flirting with her friend. This is exactly what you want. This chick has the self-esteem of a boot. After five minutes of her friend giggling at your jokes she’ll have her tongue down your throat like Alien.

Name (roll for first and last)

Southwest

         First                         Last

2          Trent             2    Earp

3          Dennis          3    Holliday

4          Jose               4    Starr

5          Gordie           5    Cody

6          William         6    Carson

7          Rex               7    Hickok

8          Rick              8    Custer

9          Greg              9    Clanton

10       Arnold          10  Bean

11       Thomas         11  Younger

12       Gabe             12  The Kid

Midwest

2          Matthew        2    Twain

3          Daniel           3    James

4          Clark             4    Disney

5          Joseph           5    Truman

6          William         6    Eisenhour

7          Ryan             7    Sanders

8          David            8    Lincoln

9          James            9    Anheuser

10       Jonathan        10  Busch

11       Samuel          11  Reagan

12       Andrew         12  Kent

East Coast

2          Joshua           2    Alcott

3          Ethan             3    Coolidge

4          Anthony        4    Kennedy

5          Alexander     5    Longfellow

6          Noah             6    Barnum

7          Benjamin       7    Poe

8          Logan            8    Lovecraft

9          Brandon        9    Webster

10       Zachary         10  Emerson

11       Kevin            11  Hawthorne

12       Evan              12  Thoreau

West Coast

2          Caleb             2    Eastwood

3          Justin            3    Taylor

4          Austin           4    Marx

5          Aidan            5    Lightfoot

6          Isaiah            6    Brooks

7          Jordan           7    Shatner

8          Gavin            8    Heston

9          Connor          9    Cyrus

10       Aiden            10  Cruise

11       Cameron       11  Howard

12       Hunter           12  Smith

Upper Midwest

2          Tyler             2    Hogan

3          Nathan          3    Johnson

4          Christian       4    Austin

5          Dylan            5    McMahon

6          Gabriel          6    Ventura

7          Jack               7    Cena

8          Robert           8    Piper

9          Thomas         9    Flair

10       Luke              10  Bigelow

11       Muhammad   11  Jericho

12       Charles          12  Luger

South

2          Angel            2    Busch

3          Lucas            3    Gordon

4           Owen           4    Harvick

5           Landon         5    Hamlin

6           Diego           6    Earnhardt

7          Eric               7    Biffle

8          Nathaniel       8    Truex

9          Jesus             9    Rudd

10       Jeremiah        10  Johnson

11       Cole              11  Stewart

12       Wyatt            12  Jarrett

Fourth Roll – City

Intercourse doesn't always mean you're getting lucky.

Although your birth city is random, it – and the state – are vital to your pussy-infiltrating cover. When talking to some nameless XY at a bar, never mention the state unless asked. You might blow cover then you won’t get blown at all.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Chick: Hey, I’m from intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar. What year did you graduate?

Busted. The population of Intercourse, Pennsylvania is only about 1,500. Everybody not only knows everybody, they’re related to everybody.

Reboot.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse.

Chick: Hey, I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar.

You: Pennsylvania? I’m from Intercourse, Alabama. Wanna fuck?

Chick: Sure.

Score.

Southwest (one die)

Arizona
1-2 Organ Pipe
New Mexico
3-4 Organ
5-6 Pie Town

Midwest (two dice)

Illinois
2 Effingham

Indiana
3 French Lick
4 Gnawbone

Missouri

5 Climax Springs
6 Conception
7 Gobler
8 Knob Lick
9 Licking
Iowa
10 Sac City
11 Tingley
 Ohio
12 Blue Ball

East Coast (two dice)

Connecticut
2 Mianus

Virginia
3 Clam

4 Lipps
5 Needmore
6 Onancock
7 Threeway

Pennsylvania
8 Big Beaver
9 Blue Ball
10 Climax
11 Intercourse
12 Jugtown

West Coast (one die)

California
1-2 Confidence
3-4 Cool

Washington
5-6 Humptulips

Upper Midwest (two dice)

Michigan
2 Climax
3 Nirvanna
4 Paradise
Minnesota
5 Climax
6 Deephaven
7 Welcome
Wisconsin
8 Hustler
9 Liberty Pole
10 Spooner
11 Spread Eagle

North Dakota
12 Can do,

South (two dice)

Alabama
2 Screamer
 Arkansas
3 Gobbler
4 Three Way
5 Y-City

Florida
6 Mayo Junction
Georgia

7 Hopeulikit
 Kentucky
8 Knob Lick
Mississippi
9 Pokerflat
North Carolina
10 Whynot

South Carolina
11 Sugar Tit

Tennessee
12 Finger

For the Advanced Average Guy

If you’re feeling up to the challenge, take your new name, your boner, and move from your rolled region to a city in Bum Fuck Egypt. This takes more homework and is as hard to pull off successfully as your cock is right now.

Bum Fuck Egypt (two dice)

Alaska
2 Manley Hot Springs

Wyoming
3 Big Hole

Colorado
4 Climax
5 Dix
6 Last Chance
7 Romeo

Montana
8 Feely
9 Opportunity

Newfoundland, Canada

10 Dildo,
11 Upper Dildo (I am so not fucking making this up)

Nova Scotia, Canada
12 Meat Cove

For bonus points use an accent fitting of your new hometown, unless you rolled a town in the south.  If you use a southern accent women will think you are racist, inbred, and/or mentally retarded.

Profession

Choosing the right profession isn’t for the weak-minded. Left on our own, we’d probably say doctor, lawyer, or first baseman for the Triple-A (insert franchise name here). Those professions all sound desirably layable. But there’s a chance the girl you’re sniffing is a nurse, paralegal, or sports whore. Then you’re busted. Your profession needs to be as vague, readily explainable, or completely unverifiable as possible.

Bartenders get laid a lot. Even this guy? No, especially this guy.

2 Bartender

3 Travel writer

4 Airplane mechanic

5 Internet content consultant

6 Assistant professor of Zombology* at Mount (insert name of girl you’re trying to bone) College

Girl: Hey, the name of your college is my name, except for it says Mount Me.

You: Hey, you’re right. Our meeting must hold some deeper meaning. (To waitress) Hey, tequila over here, pronto.

7 Fortune cookie fortune editor

8 Assistant brewmeister for (insert regional brewery name here)

9 Professional sports franchise mascot

10 Grad student

11 Wholesale product distributor

12 Regional profession

*This is the study of zombies. Every Average Guy should be able to field random drunk questions on zombies. If not, you don’t deserve to get laid.

Regional Professions

Sometimes your newly adopted region will have professions that aren’t often found other places. In this case, you’ll sound even more exotic. Depending on how drunk the chick is you’re targeting, you might want to go ahead and take off your pants now.

Southwest: Cowboy

Midwest: Indian casino blackjack dealer
East Coast: Hair gel purchaser, T-shirt timekeeper, and general Guido wrangler for MTV’s Jersey Shore

West Coast: Gaffer

Upper Midwest: Canadian border patrol

South: Jaguar hunter

Or,

Bum Fuck Egypt

1-2       Forest ranger on Bear Mountain

3-4       Sasquatch biologist

5-6       Whaler

Happy boning.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Idioms

I know some of you are asking “What the fuck is an idiom?” According to Webster, it means the words you use in a phrase that don’t mean what they should – like “He hung his head.” We think it means, “he was ashamed,” what it actually means is, “the auto-erotic asphyxiation shit that killed David Carradine in that Bangkok hotel closet.” Why the fuck we decided that some dwarf from a 1980s sitcom gets to decide on the definition of words is beyond me but this picture is a good enough reason.

Fuck yeah.

            While idioms are commonly used in the English language, they are not adapted for the Average Guy. I’ve taken the liberty of altering some commonly used idioms for use by the Average Guy.

Common idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned.”

Sure, a penny saved is a penny earned but try to tell that to the angry pimp of the high-end hooker you just tried to pay for with a tube sock full of pennies. That shit isn’t going to fly.

Average Guy version of idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned, but don’t use pennies to pay for hookers.”

Common idiom: “One in hand is worth two in the bush.”

I don’t know what the dick this is about but I would rather get two loads into some babes bush than get one off in the hand (I know how to jerk myself off better than she does and I’m not in fucking junior high). Besides the fact that this idiom is ass backwards, who the fuck has a bush anymore? For fuck’s sake the last time I saw a pussy with more hair on it than Hitler’s upper lip was when I was in grade school.

Average Guy version of idiom: “One in the bald is worth two in the hand.”

Common idiom: “Two heads are better than one.”

            You’re goddamn right two heads are better than one. So are two tongues and two vaginas. Let’s just simplify this one.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Two chicks are better than one.”

Common idiom: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”

            News flash, Lone Ranger: we’ve got a little something called cars now. Who the fuck still rides horses? And why the fuck won’t horses drink? Maybe they’d rather have something else to drink? I do know if you lead an Average Guy to beer he’ll drink it for sure. Maybe we should change this idiom to something we know to be a fact.

Average Guy version of idiom: “You can lead an Average Guy to beer, but he’s going to drink all of it.”

Common idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn.”

            There’s nothing wrong with tooting your own horn. In fact tooting your own horn is perfectly natural. Some times I toot my own horn several times a day. I toot my horn in the shower, at work, and sometimes even in church. The important thing to remember when tooting your horn is to use plenty of lubrication so you don’t injure your dong.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn without plenty of lubrication.”

Common idiom: “He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

            I hope there’s another guy that has dip on his shoulder because I need some snacks to watch the game. Also I’d prefer if he had more than one chip on his shoulder because I’m fucking hungry.

Average Guy version of idiom: “He’s got chips on his shoulder… where the fuck’s the dip?”

Common idiom: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

            What the fuck is the point of having cake if you can’t eat it? Fuck this noise. I’m eating my cake.

Average Guy version of idiom: “I’ll eat your piece of cake if you’re not going to.”

Common idiom: “Cheaters never prosper.”

            Bullshit. Cheaters win. Average Guys love to win.

Average Guy version of idiom: “If you’re not cheating you’re not trying.”

Common idiom: “Carpe diem.”

            Carpe diem is Latin for “seize the day”. Average Guys don’t speak Latin because Latin is a dead language so it’s pointless to learn. You know who knows Latin? Scientists and fuck wads.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Seize the day.”

Common idiom: “You can’t please everybody all the time.”

            Average Guys don’t give a tenth of a fuck about pleasing people. We do what makes us happy. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Fuck you.”

Now that we’ve created Average Guy idioms (and obviously enriched the English language) it is the duty of each and every Average Guy to go out and start using these idioms instead of the old shitty idioms. Any Average Guy caught using the old version of these idioms is subject to deduction of man points and possibly revocation of his man card.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Hot Chicks

There are two things average guys love as much as sports and beer, and that’s chicks and cars. Average guys love chicks because, although women are as fun as serious head trauma, chicks take off their shirts and dance. Women become human resource managers and corporate lawyers and spend their nights figuring out how to crush men into submission. Chicks teach elementary school by day, win wet T-shirt contests at night, and know exactly how to crush men into submission, by winning wet T-shirt contests. Average guys love cars because they’re fast, loud, and so drunk on their own coolness it makes us light headed. Cars are chicks. Better yet, cars are chicks who never say “no.”

Here are how these babies look pulling off the lot.

Jessica Alba: Porsche. Period. This woman is a Porsche. When I masturbate I masturbate to a picture of a Porsche and pretend it’s a picture of Jessica Alba.

Jennifer Aniston: A 1982 Caprice Classic. This car has a lot of miles on it, but with regular service and tune-ups, it’s still a sweet ride.

Angelina Jolie: Without regular maintenance, it’s amazing how quickly a car can go from the Mach 5 to that shit Jethro drove on “The Beverly Hillbillies.” It’s probably still fun to hop in a drive around, but take safety precautions. It looks worn out and sticky.

Beyonce Knowles: A mid-sized American sedan with plenty of trunk space. Great for taking on long rides as long as you can control the volume.

Mila Kunis: A pedal car. What the fuck, isn’t she like 15 or something? Okay, okay, so she’s probably 30, but she looks 15, you sick bastard.

Kristen Stewart: This one is borderline acceptable if you don’t mind fucking in a casket in the back of a hearse. That’s what this moody, depressing teenage-looking bitch is, a 1985 hearse. The one that carried Vincent Price to his grave.

Megan Fox: A hot assed Camaro with a spoiler, V-8 engine, and way too much pin striping. Great to show off to your friends, but you wouldn’t want your mom to see you in it.

Heidi Montag: Stay the fuck away. This thing has been in the shop more than a 1991 Buick Skylark driven by a teen meth freak. It is not street legal and probably hasn’t been cleaned in a while.

Natalie Portman: A Lexus. Great to stand beside, great to run your hands across, great to slide into the seat and drive, and goddamn, you want to hold an open house in your garage just so everyone you know stops by to see it’s yours.

Keira Knightley: A Natalie Portman for people who can’t afford a Natalie Portman.

Moon Bloodgood: This isn’t a spaceship, boys. Just because its got a name like something from “Star Wars” doesn’t mean it will fly you to fucking Tatooine, but it is one hell of a car. Go ahead; strap in and take it around the block.

Alison Lohman: An economy car. The Alison Lohman is cute and pretty respectable for a middle-class guy. You’ll be happy in this car, although you might feel like a loser when the Megan Fox pulls next to you at a stoplight. Just don’t look to your left. Goddamnit, don’t look to your left. Oh, great, you fucking looked. Now Alison won’t let you to park it in the garage when you get home. Dumbass.

Jessica Biel: A gorgeous 1990s Corvette with way, way, way too many owners. I wouldn’t mind taking her for a spin, but no one wants to find what those douchebags left in the trunk.

Vanessa Hudgens: The type of van hippies fucked in during the 1970s. Do you really want to be part of that? Really?

Lindsay Lohan: This is a Volkswagen “Herbie the Fucking Love Bug” Beetle, but she only seems like a magical car because you’re coked out and drunk while you’re driving it … and so is the car.

Britney Spears: This car was NICE. Sweet nice. The kind of nice that almost made you feel guilty because you wanted to sniff the upholstery. This was a sports car with all the bells and whistles until some asshole T-boned it with a Federline. Now this car is a wreck. Sure, it’s still drivable, but nothing you’d be proud to be seen in.

Avril Lavigne: The bitch is a skateboard. Get on the thing, do an ollie, do a couple of kick flips, and stuff whatever you find into her ass; carrots, baseballs, the transmission from a 1976 Gran Torino. Don’t worry, they’ll all fit. And you’ll have fun riding her, but at some point you’re going to have to grow up and get an actual car.

Helena Bonham Carter: What the fuck is that you’re driving? How can a car look like it would give you tetanus from across the sales lot, but still make you want to crawl inside? Very deep inside. “Get my goggles” deep inside. Jesus, I need to shower in penicillin.

Courtney Love: Some old rusted piece of shit that doesn’t run worth a fuck. You’d be completely embarrassed to ride in it, and worry about cops finding the heroine addicts in the backseat. You’ll end up blowing your brains out with a shotgun if you have to drive this thing.

Jenna Jameson: A deceptively large RV. It looks like a Dodge Challenger, but once inside it’s a Winnebago. You’ll have plenty of room to move around, maybe even dance, or play racquetball.

Kate Hudson: Not much for headlights on this car, but who need headlights when this sweet ride has a great back seat.

Betty White: A running Model T, but just because it runs doesn’t mean you should take it out of the garage. Keep it there, under a tarp. Sure, you can show your friends every once in a while, but make sure you wash it, wax it, and have a professional change the points and plugs every now and again, but dear God, don’t get in that thing.