The Average Guy’s Guide to Making Anything a Drinking Game

If there’s one thing an Average Guy likes, it’s getting bombed out of his freaking mind. Seriously, what would an Average Guy rather do on a Friday night:

1)    Eat microwave corn dogs and watch “CSI: Wherethefuck” with his mom.

2)    Have freaky sex with some random chick you met in a biker bar who, in an unexpected move, wants to cuddle the rest of the night.

3)    Play Dungeon and Dragons.

4)    Get shit-drunk with your buddies.

No.1?  Microwave corndogs are almost as awesome as blowjobs but, watching CSI with your mom? Lame.

Although, No. 2 sounds appealing on the surface, chicks like to cuddle after sex – even freaky sex. After sex – and I mean right after sex – guys can only think of two things, grabbing a sandwich, and getting the hell away from you. Cuddling is an emotional attachment. The only things guys have an emotional attachment to are their car, beer, Slim Jims, and their dog. And you know what? We’re not going to stuff any of them like a Thanksgiving turkey. Sometimes a guy can’t resist the cuddle temptation, mainly because the chick you just had freaky sex with is so freaky she might knife you if you don’t cradle her.

No. 3: Dungeons and Dragons? Although surprisingly less nerdy than watching “CSI” with your mom, and quite a bit less of a cutting risk than your date with Sydney the Destroyer, spending the night with a bunch of pimple-infested male virgins giggling over the boob picture of a mermaid in the “Dungeon Master’s Guide” (page 180 for all you nerds out there) isn’t nearly as normal, or as fun, as:

No. 4: getting shit drunk with your buddies.

Getting shit drunk with your buddies is the time-honored way of spending any night of the week, even when you’re married. If you’ve married anyone worth a shit, when the nuptial newness wears off your wife will encourage you to go get shit drunk with your buddies because, 1) she knows you enjoy it, 2) to just get you the hell out of the house, 3) She knows that if you get drunk at your house you will probably shit on the floor, break a window and/or drunk dial every male contact in her cell phone and threaten them with violence for “trying to move in on your woman.” and, 4) Even your wife understands nothing is more important to a guy than spending hours with other guys talking about football, college girl’s tits, beef jerky, cheerleaders, cars we used to drive, country singers we’d like to bang, and what we’d do if we were James Bond/James T. Kirk/Al Bundy.

What’s the best way to get shit drunk with your buddies? Drinking games. The beauty of a drinking game is you’re going to get drunk anyway, so why not squeeze as much fun out of it as possible? Betting on when Miley Cyrus is going to turn into Lindsay Lohan is fun, but the payoff might take a couple of years. You need something more immediate that won’t take you off the couch. That’s when we turn to television. TV brought us Walter Cronkite, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mayes, and if you use it correctly, will also bring you blissful drooling and incontinence. To formulate any TV-based drinking game, you need to 1) pick a program all drinking game participants agree on, 2) formulate a set of rules based on drink-to-catchphrase ratio, and 3) get fucked up. The fun is picking the right program. In order to have a successful, laughing, farting, potentially vomiting, drinking game, the program needs to be predictable. Nothing’s better than cartoons. Let’s fuck with Disney.

The “Phineas and Ferb” Drinking Game

Rules

1)    Before starting the game, every player chooses an equal number of primary, secondary and tertiary characters that will determine the number of drinks they take for each character’s appearance during the show. Random determination is best. Pull names from a hat, roll dice (if you have a 10-sided dice – and I know some of you dorks do … I do), or fight over them. Whatever.

2)    While watching the show, players take drinks depending on the appearance of the characters they drew, the catchphrases used, and typical situations. For example: If you’re unlucky enough to draw the entire Doofenshmirtz clan, an episode with Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz (one drink per appearance), daughter Vanessa (three drinks per appearance), ex-wife Charlene (three drinks per appearance) and brother Roger Doofenshmirtz (three drinks per appearance) might put you in the hospital. Coupled with a few “Perry the Platypus,” “Busted,” “Tri-State Area,” and “_____inator” lines of dialogue, you might die.

3)    Depending on the stamina of the participants, it might be advisable to dial 9-1 and keep the line open until the end of the game.

Primary Characters – one drink

Phineas

Phineas

Ferb

Candace

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz

Major Monogram

Perry the Platypus

Mom

Isabella

Secondary Characters – two drinks

Jeremy

Jeremy

Baljeet

Dad

Karl

Buford

Baljeet

              Stacy

Tertiary Characters – three drinks

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz (I have to interject here. Is it wrong to get an erection from a Disney teenage cartoon character? I’m just asking. Don’t judge me.)

A quick search on Google Images reveals I’m not the only one that Disney gives a hard on. This was actually one of the more PG-13 pictures.  That’s right, there’s Phineas and Ferb porn out there.

Little Suzy

Grandma Winnie

Grandpa Reg

Charlene Doofenshmirtz

Norm

Irving

Grandpa Clyde

Albert

Roger Doofenshmirtz

The band Love Handel (or any member thereof)

Characters we hardly ever fucking see – four drinks

Doofenshmirtz's Parents

Doofenshmirtz’s parents

Agent W

Isabella’s dog Pinky

Buford’s goldfish Biff

Vanessa’s punk boyfriend John

Candice’s hippy friend Jenny

Agent W

Catchphrases/Situations – one drink

“Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today.”

“Where’s Perry?”

“Bust/busted.”

Candice calls Mom.

Candice mentions Jeremy.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus.”

________inator.

“Curse you Perry the Platypus.”

“Agent P.”

Major Monogram mentions Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Perry puts on a hat.

Perry chatters.

Perry gets caught in a trap.

Perry and Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz get in a fight.

“Tri-State Area.”

Phineas and Ferb’s invention disappears.

Musical number.

Two drinks

“Whatcha doin?”

Ferb says anything (singing doesn’t count).

Buford says something violent.

Baljeet says something nerdy.

Candice fawns over Jeremy.

Candice sees something incriminating to her brothers but she can’t make her mother turn around to see it.

Fireside Girls.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz tries to prove to her mother Heinz is an evil mad scientist.

Three drinks

Mr. Slushy Burger.

Obscure Fireside Girls Patch.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz’s issues with his parents.

“Aren’t you a little young/old to …”

Carl screws up the video.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz tries to bond with daughter Vanessa.

Four drinks

“Lindana” song

“Gitchie Gitchie Goo” song

Chug that fucker

Gimmelshtump, Druelselstein.

Major Monogram’s wig/lack of hair.

Conclusion

I was going to include all the contact information for various 12-step programs that have proven successful in rehabilitating Phineas and Ferb Drinking Game participants, but who the fuck wants to stop drinking?

Ready to play again?

Shut up and drink

The Average Guy’s Guide to Movies

A good movie is like a driving a sweet muscle car.  When you’re done you should have an adrenaline rush and a hard-on.  Unfortunately if you’re going to get a steady source of poon from any one woman she’s going to want you to take her to the movies at some point.  This can raise issues because naturally women like shitty movies.  Now if you’re going to a movie to try to get a hand job in the movie theater, by all means go to the latest bullshit Nicholas Sparks book that’s been turned into a movie but if you want to actually enjoy the movie follow these rules.

Movies Not to Watch

1.   Chick flicks: As explained above chick flick are not acceptable unless the end result is you busting a nut.  No love stories.  No romantic comedies.  No Sex in the City type shit.

2.   Movies that win the Oscar for best actress:  Let me just demonstrate by naming the last three steaming piles of turd that The Academy has decided featured the best actress.  The Blind Side (2009): A football movie that is full of cry baby bullshit?  No, thank you.  I like my football to feature bones breaking and me drinking beer.  Fuck Sandra Bullock’s version of football.   The Reader (2008):  A fucking movie called The Reader?  It’s a movie not a book dumb shit.  That means this movie was either made by a fucktard or has a shit load of subtitles.  Either way fuck that.  La Vie en Rose (2007):  When I found out La Vie en Rose translates literally to “Life in Pink” I was pretty pumped about a pornstar winning an Oscar.  Turns out this movie is about some bullshit singer and the whole thing is in French.  There are only three things I like that are French.  They’re French-fries, French toast and slutty French maids.

3.   Chick flicks: As explained above chick flick are not acceptable unless the end result is you busting a nut.  No love stories.  No romantic comedies.  No Sex in the City type shit.

4.   Movies that win the Oscar for best actress:  Let me just demonstrate by naming the last three steaming piles of turd that The Academy has decided featured the best actress.  The Blind Side (2009): A football movie that is full of cry baby bullshit?  No, thank you.  I like my football to feature bones breaking and me drinking beer.  Fuck Sandra Bullock’s version of football.   The Reader (2008):  A fucking movie called The Reader?  It’s a movie not a book dumb shit.  That means this movie was either made by a fucktard or has a shit load of subtitles.  Either way fuck that.  La Vie en Rose (2007):  When I found out La Vie en Rose translates literally to “Life in Pink” I was pretty pumped about a pornstar winning an Oscar.  Turns out this movie is about some bullshit singer and the whole thing is in French.  There are only three things I like that are French.  They’re French-fries, French toast and slutty French maids.

5.  Avatar:  Avatar should have been called Pocahontas/FernGully/Dances with Wolves 3D.  The plot on this thing was shit and even though everybody knew exactly what was going to happen and the same story has been told thousands of times people still went to go see this garbage because it looked pretty.  I guess this is probably the same reason people go to see movies with Megan Fox in them.

  Movies to Watch

1.   Martin Scorsese movies:  There are a few exceptions but for the most part Scorsese movies are going to be about gangsters killing each other.  Awesome.  To name a few Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed.  By the way The Departed is mega-badass.  I mean who doesn’t want to see Marky Mark blow Matt Damon’s brains out?  Jason Bourne my ass.  You just got dominated by someone who used to hangout with a group of guys called The Funky Bunch.

Hey I'm Mark Wahlberb.

Did you guy's see me in Boogie Nights?

This is how long my dong was in that movie. 

Say hi to your mother for me ok?

2.   Porn:  Its porn.  Come on.  Do I really need to explain it?  Pornos have the most exquisite plots.

3.   Zombie movies:  What’s better than slaying an undead human that has no thought other than a burning hunger for human flesh?  Nothing, but until the zombie apocalypse happens watching zombie movies will have to do.  Don’t forget to take notes and make proper preparations for when shit does hit the fan and the zombie horde is swarming your town.

4.   Action movies:  All action movies are good to the average guy.  Shit, we don’t care if there is even a plot.  If it were up to me action movies would just be 90 minutes of ass kicking and gun fights with the occasional sex scene thrown in (with full penetration shown of course). 

Other Guidelines for Movies

1.   Sneak in snacks:  Call me crazy but something feels fucking ridicules about paying 10 bucks for a fucking soft drink and a bucket of popcorn.  Fuck that.  I’ll be bringing in my own snacks.  If you’ve got some floozy with you she’s the perfect mule for smuggling in snacks.  Stick that bag of popcorn you popped at home and that can of Coke in her purse.  If she doesn’t carry a purse her vagina will due but may affect the flavor of your treats depending on the last time she showered.  

2.   Don’t talk during the movie:  I don’t give a shit what you think about the movie.  I don’t want to hear you telling the characters not to go into the room with the killer in it and God help you if you answer your cell phone during a movie.  All of the prior will be grounds for your tongue being ripped from your mouth. 

3.   Don’t miss the trailers:  Sometimes the trailers can be more badass than the actual movie you’re going to see.  How else are you going to know about that zombie, action, mobster, porno directed by Martin Scorsese movie coming out in a few months? 

4.   Don’t ever listen to the guy who works in the video store:  Every person who works in your local video rental joint thinks he is some great movie critic.  Fuck that guy.  You know what he is?  A teenager/jerk-off/nerd that works at fucking Blockbuster.  Don’t ever let one of these fuckwads recommend a movie to you.  In fact don’t even let them talk to you about a movie you’ve already selected.  If one these turd-nibblers tries to speak to you karate chop him in the throat and then go pick out a Bruce Lee movie.

Ask the Average Guy

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The Average Guy’s Guide to Surviving the Corporate World

            Chances are if you’re an Average Guy you’ll end up working in the corporate world at some point, which blows but is pretty much inevitable. The corporate world is basically prison with fewer chances to exercise. You sit in a windowless box (a cubicle) and put in your time until your sentence is up and hopefully you make it out before you’re made into somebody’s bitch and forced to suck corporate dick all day. Fuck that. You’re nobody’s bitch. I’m about to arm you with a corporate shank and body armor made out of telephone books. Here’s how to survive in the corporate world.

Do as little a possible

I don't do shit at work.

            You know what I do most of my day while I’m getting paid to be a constructive part of a corporation? Not fucking much. It’s amazing how long you can avoid doing any actual work while at work with the Internet at your fingertips. I know some of you will say “But, what about doing your best in hopes of getting a promotion?” or some shit like that. If you have this frame of mind you’re already sucking the corporate dick, you poor son of a bitch. Quick, bite down as hard as you can.

 Always seem like you’re busy

            Never let anyone know you’re not busy. If somebody calls your office phone let it ring at least three times before you pick it up. That way it seems like you were in the middle of something important. Use words like “swamped” and “deadline” every chance you get. Never mention that you could help somebody else with their shit. Next thing you know everybody will be asking you for help with their work. You don’t even want to do your work, let alone somebody else’s. Also, if people think you’re not busy your position could be the first to go when it comes time to downsize.

Use as few words as possible to answers questions

Here’s what happens when you use too many words to answer a question at work.

Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?

Corporate Dick Sucker: Well, I would have but I was on my way to work today when a unicorn took shit on my windshield then I crashed my car into a pile of dildos. Instead of coming into work right away I had to go to my buddy Carl’s house to have all the rubber dongs removed from my orifices. Carl is an expert at dildo removal. In fact he once removed a dildo from Burt Reynolds’ mustache. Can you believe that? He removed a dildo from the ’stache of The Bandit himself. Hey you want to watch Smokey and The Bandit some time? Anyway… back to the TPS reports I’ll have them to you just as soon as I get this dildo autographed by Burt Reynolds’ and I finish up calculating the WENIS. Hey I like your haircut. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Mr. Figgins? He was my high school math teacher. Want me to give you a blowie?

Boss: You’re fucking fired.

Here’s how that situation should have gone.

Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?

Average Guy: No.

Boss: Ok. Well, I’m going to need those ASAP.

Average Guy: Fuck off.

Boss: I’m promoting you to boss of the world.

Caffeine and Energy Drinks

You can't live without them.

            Let’s face it, unless you’re the bouncer at a rodeo themed midget strip club your job is probably pretty fucking boring. You’re going to need something to keep yourself awake. Drink lots of caffeinated beverages and/or energy drinks. Another, possibly better, alternative to caffeine is the old paint eyeballs on your eyelids trick. That shit works every time. Plus you’ll win any office starring contest you might be challenged to and will probably win the affection of some of the women at your office.

“Steve is just so sexy. I love staring into his eyes.”

Don’t fear getting fired or laid-off

            To quote Franklin Delano Roosevelt “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and clowns. Fuck clowns. Now quit being such a fucking pussy because I don’t see any clowns around here.” Don’t be fearful of losing your job. Getting the axe is a good thing. You’ll be eligible for unemployment, which means you’ll get paid not to work, which is every Average Guy’s dream job. Unemployment will run out eventually but just look at it as a break to your prison sentence.

Escaping the Corporate world

            Just like prison, your ultimate goal is to get out of the corporate world. Most of use just serve our time and then retire and are released back into the wild. A lucky few will escape the corporate world and never have to return. Here are some of the ways to escape the corporate world.

1. Win the lottery: Okay, so the chances of winning the lottery are 1 in 195,249,054, but you might as well give it a shot. Sure you have a better chance of getting a blow job from Megan Fox, but somebody’s got to win the fucking thing. Hey that gives me idea for a new lottery game…

Megan Fox: Winning is everything.

 FOXBALL

Numbers matched	Prize
1	Make out with Megan Fox
2	Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt over the bra)
3	Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt under the bra)
4	Hand job from Megan Fox
5	Blow job from Megan Fox
5+FOXBALL	Fully penetrate Megan Fox

For a chance to win a consolation hand job from Kristie Alley (hey it’s better than nothing and she used to be hot) send in non-winning tickets to:

FOXBALL

555 MEGAN FOX CREVICE

KNOBB LICK, KY 55555

If I win the consolation prize I’m investing in a time machine.

2. Live off the land: You don’t need a dime to live off the fat of the land so you won’t have to suck any corporate dick to do this. You will need to learn some important skills though. Besides just techniques for wilderness survival you’ll also need to learn how to make your own booze, how to grow a sweet mountain man beard, and how to get laid when you don’t have a vehicle or a place to live that has running water. Good fucking luck.

3. Start your own business: Starting your own business isn’t that hard but starting a business that won’t suck ass to operate and that will actually make you money is. Here are some businesses that meet both on those criteria. You’re welcome.

• Strip club owner (bonus if it’s a rodeo themed midget strip club)
• Bar owner
• Hit-man/assassin
• Bank Robber
• Pirate
•  Professional poker player/gambler/bookie
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
• Fur trader
• Porno producer/porn star/porn director
• Beer brewer/alcohol distiller/moonshiner
• Mafia boss

Well, you’re on your own from here fuckers. Good luck. Try to make it out alive with a little bit of your dignity left. I hope to see you on the outside.

The Average Guy’s Random Identity Generator

There are times when an Average Guy hits the bars just to watch sports, or get drunk, or watch sports while getting drunk. Then there are times an Average Guy hits the bars to find some girl we want to nail and never, ever see again. Ever.

The clever guys can pull this off. The rest of us suffer from a severe case of the “oh, shits.” That’s when we get a call on our cell phone at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m., and noon, then every two hours until you’d rather crap razor wire than feel that disloyal little bastard vibrate in your pocket one more time.

Anonymous? Yes. Unappreciated? Never.

Your mistakes? 1) you gave some anonymous pair of tits your real name even though you don’t remember hers, and 2) you left your cell phone on the table when you got up to take a piss. Remember, if you’re scouting for something you’d never date, you’re lowering your standards. Hell, you just want to find something as quick and easy to get into as a steaming bowl of Top Ramens. You don’t want her showing up at your front door; the neighbors might see.

Rule No. 1 – leave no clues.

How do you do this? Getting a stealth lay is a mission, so do what every good secret agent does – become someone else.

Sure, being a secret agent looks fun in the movies, but assuming another identity isn’t as easy as the chick you’re looking for – and it shouldn’t be. Chasing tail, even skank, can be hard work.

For example, if you adopt an East Coast identity and you don’t study the customs, major exports, capitol cities, sports franchises, and most common venereal diseases of the East Coast, the chick’s going to know you’re lying and the chase is over – you lost. Once you have an identity, it has to be your identity. This means do your homework so you can answer questions drunk. Just saying you’re Turk Thunderfuck from Wet Pussy, Iowa, doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know corn grows in Iowa and you’re speaking with a fucking Irish accent.

Rolling your role

There's no such thing as a +4 Die of Getting Laid. Sorry, nerds.

To establish your one-night-stand identity, don’t get cute. Let’s face it, guys, some of us just aren’t that creative. To get around all the “Hi, I’m John Smith. I can’t give you my real name because I work for the CIA” bullshit, we’re going to make your identity randomly dependent on the roll of 6-sided dice.

Why 6-sided and not 12-sided? Because this isn’t Dungeons and Dragons, nerd. This is Dungeons and Dragons for people who are actually going to get laid. Average Guys don’t keep 47-sided dice around the house. We do, however, have a Yatzhee box in the garage full of 6-sided dice that could possibly cause a girl’s pants to spontaneously leap three feet from her ass into the back seat of your car. So, Poindexter, keep your Dungeon Master’s Guide away from my penis-to-vagina saving throw, or whatever shit I’m trying to say.

First roll – Region

The region fate chooses for you is important because that gives you a cultural identity. For that cultural identity, just go to Wikipedia. If the information’s wrong, which it probably is, just get her drunker than shit and she won’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now, grab a die from that Yahtzee game and get started.

1=Southwest

2=Midwest

3=East Coast

4=West Coast

5=Upper Midwest

6=South

Average Guy Getting Laid Tip: When finding your region, roll until you land in a region you’re not currently in. This not only makes it harder for the target to see through your subterfuge (that’s a big fucking word. I’m using it because I rolled Associate Professor from Threeway, Connecticut. Take that shit), people from other areas of the country seem exotic and more fun for chicks to blow. And I’ll take a sloppy drunk hummer over Chlamydia any day.

Second and Third rolls – Name

Your new name is only important to remember when she says, “Hey, Ben. My panties are soaked. Let’s go fuck on the roof.” YOU WILL WANT TO HEAR HER. As soon as you roll a new name, memorize it. You don’t need to know anything about your name. Who cares what Alexander means in Old English? And if the girl you’re hitting on asks what nationality McMahon is, look at her like she’s a fucking retard and start flirting with her friend. This is exactly what you want. This chick has the self-esteem of a boot. After five minutes of her friend giggling at your jokes she’ll have her tongue down your throat like Alien.

Name (roll for first and last)

Southwest

         First                         Last

2          Trent             2    Earp

3          Dennis          3    Holliday

4          Jose               4    Starr

5          Gordie           5    Cody

6          William         6    Carson

7          Rex               7    Hickok

8          Rick              8    Custer

9          Greg              9    Clanton

10       Arnold          10  Bean

11       Thomas         11  Younger

12       Gabe             12  The Kid

Midwest

2          Matthew        2    Twain

3          Daniel           3    James

4          Clark             4    Disney

5          Joseph           5    Truman

6          William         6    Eisenhour

7          Ryan             7    Sanders

8          David            8    Lincoln

9          James            9    Anheuser

10       Jonathan        10  Busch

11       Samuel          11  Reagan

12       Andrew         12  Kent

East Coast

2          Joshua           2    Alcott

3          Ethan             3    Coolidge

4          Anthony        4    Kennedy

5          Alexander     5    Longfellow

6          Noah             6    Barnum

7          Benjamin       7    Poe

8          Logan            8    Lovecraft

9          Brandon        9    Webster

10       Zachary         10  Emerson

11       Kevin            11  Hawthorne

12       Evan              12  Thoreau

West Coast

2          Caleb             2    Eastwood

3          Justin            3    Taylor

4          Austin           4    Marx

5          Aidan            5    Lightfoot

6          Isaiah            6    Brooks

7          Jordan           7    Shatner

8          Gavin            8    Heston

9          Connor          9    Cyrus

10       Aiden            10  Cruise

11       Cameron       11  Howard

12       Hunter           12  Smith

Upper Midwest

2          Tyler             2    Hogan

3          Nathan          3    Johnson

4          Christian       4    Austin

5          Dylan            5    McMahon

6          Gabriel          6    Ventura

7          Jack               7    Cena

8          Robert           8    Piper

9          Thomas         9    Flair

10       Luke              10  Bigelow

11       Muhammad   11  Jericho

12       Charles          12  Luger

South

2          Angel            2    Busch

3          Lucas            3    Gordon

4           Owen           4    Harvick

5           Landon         5    Hamlin

6           Diego           6    Earnhardt

7          Eric               7    Biffle

8          Nathaniel       8    Truex

9          Jesus             9    Rudd

10       Jeremiah        10  Johnson

11       Cole              11  Stewart

12       Wyatt            12  Jarrett

Fourth Roll – City

Intercourse doesn't always mean you're getting lucky.

Although your birth city is random, it – and the state – are vital to your pussy-infiltrating cover. When talking to some nameless XY at a bar, never mention the state unless asked. You might blow cover then you won’t get blown at all.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Chick: Hey, I’m from intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar. What year did you graduate?

Busted. The population of Intercourse, Pennsylvania is only about 1,500. Everybody not only knows everybody, they’re related to everybody.

Reboot.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse.

Chick: Hey, I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar.

You: Pennsylvania? I’m from Intercourse, Alabama. Wanna fuck?

Chick: Sure.

Score.

Southwest (one die)

Arizona
1-2 Organ Pipe
New Mexico
3-4 Organ
5-6 Pie Town

Midwest (two dice)

Illinois
2 Effingham

Indiana
3 French Lick
4 Gnawbone

Missouri

5 Climax Springs
6 Conception
7 Gobler
8 Knob Lick
9 Licking
Iowa
10 Sac City
11 Tingley
 Ohio
12 Blue Ball

East Coast (two dice)

Connecticut
2 Mianus

Virginia
3 Clam

4 Lipps
5 Needmore
6 Onancock
7 Threeway

Pennsylvania
8 Big Beaver
9 Blue Ball
10 Climax
11 Intercourse
12 Jugtown

West Coast (one die)

California
1-2 Confidence
3-4 Cool

Washington
5-6 Humptulips

Upper Midwest (two dice)

Michigan
2 Climax
3 Nirvanna
4 Paradise
Minnesota
5 Climax
6 Deephaven
7 Welcome
Wisconsin
8 Hustler
9 Liberty Pole
10 Spooner
11 Spread Eagle

North Dakota
12 Can do,

South (two dice)

Alabama
2 Screamer
 Arkansas
3 Gobbler
4 Three Way
5 Y-City

Florida
6 Mayo Junction
Georgia

7 Hopeulikit
 Kentucky
8 Knob Lick
Mississippi
9 Pokerflat
North Carolina
10 Whynot

South Carolina
11 Sugar Tit

Tennessee
12 Finger

For the Advanced Average Guy

If you’re feeling up to the challenge, take your new name, your boner, and move from your rolled region to a city in Bum Fuck Egypt. This takes more homework and is as hard to pull off successfully as your cock is right now.

Bum Fuck Egypt (two dice)

Alaska
2 Manley Hot Springs

Wyoming
3 Big Hole

Colorado
4 Climax
5 Dix
6 Last Chance
7 Romeo

Montana
8 Feely
9 Opportunity

Newfoundland, Canada

10 Dildo,
11 Upper Dildo (I am so not fucking making this up)

Nova Scotia, Canada
12 Meat Cove

For bonus points use an accent fitting of your new hometown, unless you rolled a town in the south.  If you use a southern accent women will think you are racist, inbred, and/or mentally retarded.

Profession

Choosing the right profession isn’t for the weak-minded. Left on our own, we’d probably say doctor, lawyer, or first baseman for the Triple-A (insert franchise name here). Those professions all sound desirably layable. But there’s a chance the girl you’re sniffing is a nurse, paralegal, or sports whore. Then you’re busted. Your profession needs to be as vague, readily explainable, or completely unverifiable as possible.

Bartenders get laid a lot. Even this guy? No, especially this guy.

2 Bartender

3 Travel writer

4 Airplane mechanic

5 Internet content consultant

6 Assistant professor of Zombology* at Mount (insert name of girl you’re trying to bone) College

Girl: Hey, the name of your college is my name, except for it says Mount Me.

You: Hey, you’re right. Our meeting must hold some deeper meaning. (To waitress) Hey, tequila over here, pronto.

7 Fortune cookie fortune editor

8 Assistant brewmeister for (insert regional brewery name here)

9 Professional sports franchise mascot

10 Grad student

11 Wholesale product distributor

12 Regional profession

*This is the study of zombies. Every Average Guy should be able to field random drunk questions on zombies. If not, you don’t deserve to get laid.

Regional Professions

Sometimes your newly adopted region will have professions that aren’t often found other places. In this case, you’ll sound even more exotic. Depending on how drunk the chick is you’re targeting, you might want to go ahead and take off your pants now.

Southwest: Cowboy

Midwest: Indian casino blackjack dealer
East Coast: Hair gel purchaser, T-shirt timekeeper, and general Guido wrangler for MTV’s Jersey Shore

West Coast: Gaffer

Upper Midwest: Canadian border patrol

South: Jaguar hunter

Or,

Bum Fuck Egypt

1-2       Forest ranger on Bear Mountain

3-4       Sasquatch biologist

5-6       Whaler

Happy boning.