The saying that you can’t bullshit a bullshitter is in fact bullshit. If that saying was true then nobody could ever be bullshitted because we are all in fact bullshitters. The biggest difference in bullshit really depends on which sex you are. Average Guys bullshit about pretty much everything to make themselves look more awesome. Women bullshit to… well fuck if I know why women bullshit. The only things I really know about women is that they smell better than I do and I like them to be naked. I have however been able to identify some things that both sexes commonly bullshit about. Behold the Average’s Guy’s guide to bullshit.
Average Guy’s Bullshit
- Sexual Prowess: Every Average Guy talks big shit when it comes to his skill in the sack. Listening to Average Guy’s bullshit you would think that 90 percent of men were some kind of hybrid between Ron Jeremy, Hugh Hefner, and Superman.
- Money: Most the time an Average Guy won’t come right out and lie about his financials but it’s not uncommon for an Average Guy to do things that would lead hot young gold digging women to believe he’s loaded. The perfect example of this is the first date. On the first date an Average Guy will likely spend half of his pay for the week and wear the only respectable set of clothing he owns. After the Average Guy taps that sweet ass for the first time most dates will consist of McDonald’s dollar menu items, boxed wine for the lady and cheap beer for the Average Guy. His attire will be T-shirts (possibly with cutoff sleeves and mustard stains) and a pair of blue jeans that he’s had for close to a decade. Another way Average Guys lie about their income is with the cars they drive. Part of the reason an Average Guy will drive a badass sports car while living in a shithole apartment is because Average Guys love sweet cars but the other part is about sex. No money hungry tramp will give you road head in a 1992 Toyota Camry, but watch how fast your pants come down if you’re driving a Jag.
- Fighting: Every Average Guy will bullshit about his fighting skills. Sure there are Average Guys who can hold their own in a fight, but when an Average Guy starts talking about how they could be beat the shit out of NFL linebackers and Ultimate Fighters because he took Tae Bo for six months and he’s seen The Karate Kid over a dozen times, he’s completely full of shit.
- Drinking: No Average Guy will ever admit anybody can out-drink him. If Charlie Sheen, Andre The Giant and God challenged an Average Guy to a three versus one drinking contest, any Average Guy would accept the challenge, talk shit, make the contest respectably close before losing, throwing-up, and dying of alcohol poisoning (in that order).
- Athletic Achievements: Let’s be honest, when you talk about that time you laid out Vernon Davis in high school football you’re actually talking about the time you smoked Verne Troyer in Pop Warner football. Every Average Guy thinks he’s a great athlete but truth be told we’re at best… average
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- Women: As Average Guys we act like we don’t need women. This is a steaming pile of bullshit. You can only beat off into a sock so many times before the sock gets full. Men need women to keep us from turning into complete barbarians. Average Guys don’t have feelings or the ability to be embarrassed or ashamed. If it weren’t for women keeping us in check we would probably jerk off in line at Burger King, fart at funerals, and would probably eat our own young.
Women’s Bullshit
- Cleaning: Women act like they hate cleaning. If they really hated cleaning NOTHING would be clean. If it were up to guys we would just hang around all day in rooms filled with pizza boxes and piles of Hustler magazines scattered everywhere. Like I mentioned before I have no idea why women bullshit but my best guess is that they bitch about cleaning because they want men to notice that they’ve cleaned so we appreciate them more. What we’re really thinking is “Fuck. It will be a week before I figure out where she put everything,” and “I can’t believe she threw away my May 1982 Playboy.” Or maybe women clean because to the rest of the world the Average Guy is a disgusting pig, but who fucking knows?
- Friends: Women don’t have friends. They all hate each other. Women are jealous as balls of their friends and love talking shit behind each other’s backs. Women especially hate their friends who are prettier than they are.
- Shitting/farting: Women bullshit men into thinking that they don’t poop or fart. Actually, if it weren’t for back-door sex, women would probably lead men to believe they don’t have an anus. I’ll admit it… I had no idea that women had bowel movements until I was in my twenties. Women won’t fart in front of a man until they’ve been with him for at least six months. They’ll also go without pooping while in the same house as their man for up to a year. Where women go to poop during this time is a complete mystery to me.
- Men: Many women act like they don’t need men; of course this is complete bullshit. If women didn’t have men around there would be nobody to open pickle jars, slaughter cute animals for their delicious meat, reach objects on the top shelf, or pay for dates.
