Chances are if you’re an Average Guy you’ll end up working in the corporate world at some point, which blows but is pretty much inevitable. The corporate world is basically prison with fewer chances to exercise. You sit in a windowless box (a cubicle) and put in your time until your sentence is up and hopefully you make it out before you’re made into somebody’s bitch and forced to suck corporate dick all day. Fuck that. You’re nobody’s bitch. I’m about to arm you with a corporate shank and body armor made out of telephone books. Here’s how to survive in the corporate world.
Do as little a possible
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| I don't do shit at work. |
You know what I do most of my day while I’m getting paid to be a constructive part of a corporation? Not fucking much. It’s amazing how long you can avoid doing any actual work while at work with the Internet at your fingertips. I know some of you will say “But, what about doing your best in hopes of getting a promotion?” or some shit like that. If you have this frame of mind you’re already sucking the corporate dick, you poor son of a bitch. Quick, bite down as hard as you can.
Always seem like you’re busy
Never let anyone know you’re not busy. If somebody calls your office phone let it ring at least three times before you pick it up. That way it seems like you were in the middle of something important. Use words like “swamped” and “deadline” every chance you get. Never mention that you could help somebody else with their shit. Next thing you know everybody will be asking you for help with their work. You don’t even want to do your work, let alone somebody else’s. Also, if people think you’re not busy your position could be the first to go when it comes time to downsize.
Use as few words as possible to answers questions
Here’s what happens when you use too many words to answer a question at work.
Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?
Corporate Dick Sucker: Well, I would have but I was on my way to work today when a unicorn took shit on my windshield then I crashed my car into a pile of dildos. Instead of coming into work right away I had to go to my buddy Carl’s house to have all the rubber dongs removed from my orifices. Carl is an expert at dildo removal. In fact he once removed a dildo from Burt Reynolds’ mustache. Can you believe that? He removed a dildo from the ’stache of The Bandit himself. Hey you want to watch Smokey and The Bandit some time? Anyway… back to the TPS reports I’ll have them to you just as soon as I get this dildo autographed by Burt Reynolds’ and I finish up calculating the WENIS. Hey I like your haircut. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Mr. Figgins? He was my high school math teacher. Want me to give you a blowie?
Boss: You’re fucking fired.
Here’s how that situation should have gone.
Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?
Average Guy: No.
Boss: Ok. Well, I’m going to need those ASAP.
Average Guy: Fuck off.
Boss: I’m promoting you to boss of the world.
Caffeine and Energy Drinks
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| You can't live without them. |
Let’s face it, unless you’re the bouncer at a rodeo themed midget strip club your job is probably pretty fucking boring. You’re going to need something to keep yourself awake. Drink lots of caffeinated beverages and/or energy drinks. Another, possibly better, alternative to caffeine is the old paint eyeballs on your eyelids trick. That shit works every time. Plus you’ll win any office starring contest you might be challenged to and will probably win the affection of some of the women at your office.
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| “Steve is just so sexy. I love staring into his eyes.” |
Don’t fear getting fired or laid-off
To quote Franklin Delano Roosevelt “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and clowns. Fuck clowns. Now quit being such a fucking pussy because I don’t see any clowns around here.” Don’t be fearful of losing your job. Getting the axe is a good thing. You’ll be eligible for unemployment, which means you’ll get paid not to work, which is every Average Guy’s dream job. Unemployment will run out eventually but just look at it as a break to your prison sentence.
Escaping the Corporate world
Just like prison, your ultimate goal is to get out of the corporate world. Most of use just serve our time and then retire and are released back into the wild. A lucky few will escape the corporate world and never have to return. Here are some of the ways to escape the corporate world.
1. Win the lottery: Okay, so the chances of winning the lottery are 1 in 195,249,054, but you might as well give it a shot. Sure you have a better chance of getting a blow job from Megan Fox, but somebody’s got to win the fucking thing. Hey that gives me idea for a new lottery game…
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| Megan Fox: Winning is everything. |
FOXBALL
Numbers matched | Prize |
1 | Make out with Megan Fox |
2 | Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt over the bra) |
3 | Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt under the bra) |
4 | Hand job from Megan Fox |
5 | Blow job from Megan Fox |
5+FOXBALL | Fully penetrate Megan Fox |
For a chance to win a consolation hand job from Kristie Alley (hey it’s better than nothing and she used to be hot) send in non-winning tickets to:
FOXBALL
555 MEGAN FOX CREVICE
KNOBB LICK, KY 55555
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| If I win the consolation prize I’m investing in a time machine. |
2. Live off the land: You don’t need a dime to live off the fat of the land so you won’t have to suck any corporate dick to do this. You will need to learn some important skills though. Besides just techniques for wilderness survival you’ll also need to learn how to make your own booze, how to grow a sweet mountain man beard, and how to get laid when you don’t have a vehicle or a place to live that has running water. Good fucking luck.
3. Start your own business: Starting your own business isn’t that hard but starting a business that won’t suck ass to operate and that will actually make you money is. Here are some businesses that meet both on those criteria. You’re welcome.
- Strip club owner (bonus if it’s a rodeo themed midget strip club)
- Bar owner
- Hit-man/assassin
- Bank Robber
- Pirate
- Professional poker player/gambler/bookie
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
- Fur trader
- Porno producer/porn star/porn director
- Beer brewer/alcohol distiller/moonshiner
- Mafia boss
Well, you’re on your own from here fuckers. Good luck. Try to make it out alive with a little bit of your dignity left. I hope to see you on the outside.
