Average Guys argue a lot. Not about anything like the national debt, the humanitarian crisis in Iran, or the state of the American political-social structure. We argue about important shit, like how many boobs would be optimal on a woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with two. The Average guy is a big fan of two. But, there’s always room for improvement.
 |
| This isn't an argument, it's a deep discussion about boobs. |
Average Guy 1 (after seven beers and a handful of Funyons): How many breasts do you think the perfect woman should have?
Average Guy 2(after eight beers and a whiskey): First, don’t call them breasts. Call them honkers, tits, jugs, Winnebagos, knockers, happy fun time bags, or buzoombas. Breasts are for chickens and your mom. Second, there’s no such thing as the perfect woman. Third, I say four. Two on the front and two on the back.
Average Guy 1: You’ve only got two hands.
Average Guy 2: Four solves a lot of problems. No matter which way she’s facing, her boobs are always pointing at you – even when she’s pissed off and has her back to you, which is all the fucking time. And when she tries to make up after a fight and wants to hug, you’ll actually want to hug her back because you’re copping a feel on FOUR BOOBS at the same time. Of course, the bra would be complicated.
Average Guy 1: I’m thinking three.
 |
| These are the boobs those guys are arguing over. |
Average Guy 2: That’s uneven. You want her to have back problems?
Average Guy 1: The third one would be on her back. You know, for the first date, so whenever I put my arm around her.
Average Guy 2: That’s cuddling. Chicks like to cuddle. Betty Jo Librarian likes to cuddle. Megan Fox does not like to cuddle. Do you like to cuddle?
Average Guy 1: No.
Average Guy 2: Of course not. No Average Guy likes to cuddle. Now picture Megan Fox with four tits.
Average Guy 1 (picturing Megan Fox with four tits): I’m an idiot.
Average Guy 2: I think guys should have two dicks.
And so on until all the booze is gone.
The sweet thing is Average Guy 2 is a genetic engineer and can make this shit happen.
Average Guy arguments range from beer, to cars, to football, to music, to football, to beer, to tits, to more tits, to movies, to celebrities we want to punch, to politics (only a discussion of “Air Force One” with Harrison Ford because Ford as the president is a bad ass), to what would be your favorite weapon to use on a zombie, and finally the perfect snack food – beef jerky versus Bugles.
An argument between two Average Guys will last the entire time both men are still breathing. An Average Guy will admit that he farted, took the last slice of pizza, took a shit in the urinal, and that he got crabs from that skank at Chuck E Cheese’s, but an Average Guy will never admit that he is wrong. The only way the argument can end is death either resulting from the actual argument or being completely unrelated. If the Average Guy who lives longer is in charge of the burial arrangements for the dead Average Guy the epitaph will likely read something to the effect of “Here lies Bob. He didn’t know shit about tits.” or “Fuck you Bob. I win. Have fun being dead and shit.”
 |
| Average Guys argue out of necessity, like when a buddy says your sister has a nice ass. |
Average Guys are peace-loving people who argue out of drunken necessity, not out of anger. The only time an Average Guy argument turns violent is when a woman both of you poked is involved, someone insulted your car, someone pointed out you’re going bald, a guy in a pink shirt bought you a shot then smiled, your best friend says he always wanted to bone your sister, something random made you think about work, or a dickhead who doesn’t know any better looked at you funny.
Now piss off, I’m trying to have a thoughtful conversation about tits.
