I know some of you are asking “What the fuck is an idiom?” According to Webster, it means the words you use in a phrase that don’t mean what they should – like “He hung his head.” We think it means, “he was ashamed,” what it actually means is, “the auto-erotic asphyxiation shit that killed David Carradine in that Bangkok hotel closet.” Why the fuck we decided that some dwarf from a 1980s sitcom gets to decide on the definition of words is beyond me but this picture is a good enough reason.
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| Fuck yeah. |
While idioms are commonly used in the English language, they are not adapted for the Average Guy. I’ve taken the liberty of altering some commonly used idioms for use by the Average Guy.
Common idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned.”
Sure, a penny saved is a penny earned but try to tell that to the angry pimp of the high-end hooker you just tried to pay for with a tube sock full of pennies. That shit isn’t going to fly.
Average Guy version of idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned, but don’t use pennies to pay for hookers.”
Common idiom: “One in hand is worth two in the bush.”
I don’t know what the dick this is about but I would rather get two loads into some babes bush than get one off in the hand (I know how to jerk myself off better than she does and I’m not in fucking junior high). Besides the fact that this idiom is ass backwards, who the fuck has a bush anymore? For fuck’s sake the last time I saw a pussy with more hair on it than Hitler’s upper lip was when I was in grade school.
Average Guy version of idiom: “One in the bald is worth two in the hand.”
Common idiom: “Two heads are better than one.”
You’re goddamn right two heads are better than one. So are two tongues and two vaginas. Let’s just simplify this one.
Average Guy version of idiom: “Two chicks are better than one.”
Common idiom: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”
News flash, Lone Ranger: we’ve got a little something called cars now. Who the fuck still rides horses? And why the fuck won’t horses drink? Maybe they’d rather have something else to drink? I do know if you lead an Average Guy to beer he’ll drink it for sure. Maybe we should change this idiom to something we know to be a fact.
Average Guy version of idiom: “You can lead an Average Guy to beer, but he’s going to drink all of it.”
Common idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn.”
There’s nothing wrong with tooting your own horn. In fact tooting your own horn is perfectly natural. Some times I toot my own horn several times a day. I toot my horn in the shower, at work, and sometimes even in church. The important thing to remember when tooting your horn is to use plenty of lubrication so you don’t injure your dong.
Average Guy version of idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn without plenty of lubrication.”
Common idiom: “He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”
I hope there’s another guy that has dip on his shoulder because I need some snacks to watch the game. Also I’d prefer if he had more than one chip on his shoulder because I’m fucking hungry.
Average Guy version of idiom: “He’s got chips on his shoulder… where the fuck’s the dip?”
Common idiom: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
What the fuck is the point of having cake if you can’t eat it? Fuck this noise. I’m eating my cake.
Average Guy version of idiom: “I’ll eat your piece of cake if you’re not going to.”
Common idiom: “Cheaters never prosper.”
Bullshit. Cheaters win. Average Guys love to win.
Average Guy version of idiom: “If you’re not cheating you’re not trying.”
Common idiom: “Carpe diem.”
Carpe diem is Latin for “seize the day”. Average Guys don’t speak Latin because Latin is a dead language so it’s pointless to learn. You know who knows Latin? Scientists and fuck wads.
Average Guy version of idiom: “Seize the day.”
Common idiom: “You can’t please everybody all the time.”
Average Guys don’t give a tenth of a fuck about pleasing people. We do what makes us happy. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.
Average Guy version of idiom: “Fuck you.”
Now that we’ve created Average Guy idioms (and obviously enriched the English language) it is the duty of each and every Average Guy to go out and start using these idioms instead of the old shitty idioms. Any Average Guy caught using the old version of these idioms is subject to deduction of man points and possibly revocation of his man card.
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