A good movie is like a driving a sweet muscle car. When you’re done you should have an adrenaline rush and a hard-on. Unfortunately if you’re going to get a steady source of poon from any one woman she’s going to want you to take her to the movies at some point. This can raise issues because naturally women like shitty movies. Now if you’re going to a movie to try to get a hand job in the movie theater, by all means go to the latest bullshit Nicholas Sparks book that’s been turned into a movie but if you want to actually enjoy the movie follow these rules.
Movies Not to Watch
1. Chick flicks: As explained above chick flick are not acceptable unless the end result is you busting a nut. No love stories. No romantic comedies. No Sex in the City type shit.
2. Movies that win the Oscar for best actress: Let me just demonstrate by naming the last three steaming piles of turd that The Academy has decided featured the best actress. The Blind Side (2009): A football movie that is full of cry baby bullshit? No, thank you. I like my football to feature bones breaking and me drinking beer. Fuck Sandra Bullock’s version of football. The Reader (2008): A fucking movie called The Reader? It’s a movie not a book dumb shit. That means this movie was either made by a fucktard or has a shit load of subtitles. Either way fuck that. La Vie en Rose (2007): When I found out La Vie en Rose translates literally to “Life in Pink” I was pretty pumped about a pornstar winning an Oscar. Turns out this movie is about some bullshit singer and the whole thing is in French. There are only three things I like that are French. They’re French-fries, French toast and slutty French maids.
3. Chick flicks: As explained above chick flick are not acceptable unless the end result is you busting a nut. No love stories. No romantic comedies. No Sex in the City type shit.
4. Movies that win the Oscar for best actress: Let me just demonstrate by naming the last three steaming piles of turd that The Academy has decided featured the best actress. The Blind Side (2009): A football movie that is full of cry baby bullshit? No, thank you. I like my football to feature bones breaking and me drinking beer. Fuck Sandra Bullock’s version of football. The Reader (2008): A fucking movie called The Reader? It’s a movie not a book dumb shit. That means this movie was either made by a fucktard or has a shit load of subtitles. Either way fuck that. La Vie en Rose (2007): When I found out La Vie en Rose translates literally to “Life in Pink” I was pretty pumped about a pornstar winning an Oscar. Turns out this movie is about some bullshit singer and the whole thing is in French. There are only three things I like that are French. They’re French-fries, French toast and slutty French maids.
5. Avatar: Avatar should have been called Pocahontas/FernGully/Dances with Wolves 3D. The plot on this thing was shit and even though everybody knew exactly what was going to happen and the same story has been told thousands of times people still went to go see this garbage because it looked pretty. I guess this is probably the same reason people go to see movies with Megan Fox in them.
Movies to Watch
1. Martin Scorsese movies: There are a few exceptions but for the most part Scorsese movies are going to be about gangsters killing each other. Awesome. To name a few Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed. By the way The Departed is mega-badass. I mean who doesn’t want to see Marky Mark blow Matt Damon’s brains out? Jason Bourne my ass. You just got dominated by someone who used to hangout with a group of guys called The Funky Bunch.
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2. Porn: Its porn. Come on. Do I really need to explain it? Pornos have the most exquisite plots.
3. Zombie movies: What’s better than slaying an undead human that has no thought other than a burning hunger for human flesh? Nothing, but until the zombie apocalypse happens watching zombie movies will have to do. Don’t forget to take notes and make proper preparations for when shit does hit the fan and the zombie horde is swarming your town.
4. Action movies: All action movies are good to the average guy. Shit, we don’t care if there is even a plot. If it were up to me action movies would just be 90 minutes of ass kicking and gun fights with the occasional sex scene thrown in (with full penetration shown of course).
Other Guidelines for Movies
1. Sneak in snacks: Call me crazy but something feels fucking ridicules about paying 10 bucks for a fucking soft drink and a bucket of popcorn. Fuck that. I’ll be bringing in my own snacks. If you’ve got some floozy with you she’s the perfect mule for smuggling in snacks. Stick that bag of popcorn you popped at home and that can of Coke in her purse. If she doesn’t carry a purse her vagina will due but may affect the flavor of your treats depending on the last time she showered.
2. Don’t talk during the movie: I don’t give a shit what you think about the movie. I don’t want to hear you telling the characters not to go into the room with the killer in it and God help you if you answer your cell phone during a movie. All of the prior will be grounds for your tongue being ripped from your mouth.
3. Don’t miss the trailers: Sometimes the trailers can be more badass than the actual movie you’re going to see. How else are you going to know about that zombie, action, mobster, porno directed by Martin Scorsese movie coming out in a few months?
4. Don’t ever listen to the guy who works in the video store: Every person who works in your local video rental joint thinks he is some great movie critic. Fuck that guy. You know what he is? A teenager/jerk-off/nerd that works at fucking Blockbuster. Don’t ever let one of these fuckwads recommend a movie to you. In fact don’t even let them talk to you about a movie you’ve already selected. If one these turd-nibblers tries to speak to you karate chop him in the throat and then go pick out a Bruce Lee movie.
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