The Average Guy’s Guide to Problem Solving

Vanilla Ice -- solvin' some problems.

In the words of Vanilla Ice “If there’s a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.” While women may be the fairer sex they turn to men to solve their problems – don’t argue with this shit. Women complain. Men solve problems. Throughout history there have been uncountable instances of men solving problems that women could only complain about. Take this transcript of the conversation that led to Abraham Lincoln freeing the fuck out of some slaves.

Historical fact

Mary Lincoln: Abe, I really don’t like people having slaves and I’m on my period.

Abraham Lincoln: Calm your ass, woman. I got this.

As we all know Abraham Lincoln then took his righteous beard and dominated the balls off some hillbilly cornbread-eating assholes who thought they could own their fellow human beings. He also tried to make women stop bleeding out their crotch, but Duct tape hadn’t been invented. While Average Guys can’t be president it’s a well-known fact that Abe followed the doctrine of the Average Guy when it came to solving problems. Follow these guidelines for problems solving and you’ll have fewer problems than a woman with an unwanted pregnancy walking into Planned Parenthood.

Ben Franklin -- lady's man.

Identify if it’s your problem: A guy getting his ass kicked by another guy is not your problem. A chick getting her ass kick by a guy is your problem. A chick getting her ass kicked by another chick is not your problem but you might want to go to your car and get that kiddy pool and those industrial sizes bottles of lube you’ve been saving for occasions such as this. Historical fact: Benjamin Franklin always kept a kiddy pool and industrial-sized bottles of lube in his car. And Ben got laid, a lot.

Don’t think it through: Nothing good will come from thinking through a problem. Let your rage, your cock, and your gut guide your decisions. Mr. Spock from Star Trek always thought problems through and, although he fixed the shit out of some warp drive every now and then, he never got laid. If you can’t make a decision in five seconds or less you’re probably already dead and worst of all still a virgin.

If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem: An Average Guy can solve any real problem by himself. If you can’t solve it by yourself you’re either a pussy or it’s not really a problem. Historical fact: The Korean War would have taken care of itself if we’d just minded our own business.

Determine if you care: From time to time a genuine problem will arise that you just won’t give a shit about. Chances are if it doesn’t involve you directly or at least involve sex, booze, or sports, you probably won’t be interested.

Luke Skywalker -- shut the fuck up.

Figure out how you will benefit from resolving the problem. If you’re not going to benefit from the problem you should have determine that you don’t need to worry about trying to resolve the issue by reading the “Determine if you care” section above but sometimes the benefits will be minimal for resolving a problem or the benefits will be lame as balls so you might as well not waste your time. Historical fact: Luke Skywalker should have just shut his whiny face and gotten those power converters from Tosche Station. He didn’t. And what happened? He spent a shit ton of time in a swamp then his own dad kicked his ass. Is solving this problem going to make you look like a hero, get you free booze, get you laid, or involve smashing or blowing something up? If so solve that shit right away. Is solving the problem going to benefit society, make you look like a nice guy, or make you healthier? Stay away from that shit like you would a shark offering to blow you.            

It’s also important to know what tools to use to help solve the problem at hand. The right tool can make all the difference in problem solving. Construction workers have hammers, businessmen have pens, and hookers have pimps. The following are the tools of the Average Guy.

Duct tape: The muffler just fell off your car? Duct tape that fucker back on. You’re wife won’t shut the fuck up? Duct tape her mouth shut. Just cut off you’re pinky with a ban saw? Duct tape will fix you right up. Red Green has this shit down.

Sir Isaac Newton -- genius, epic boozer.

Booze: Booze can solve just about any problem. Booze can give you the balls to fight that biker at the end of the bar then help you kill the pain of getting shanked by that biker at the end of the bar. Booze can also help you get low enough standards to screw the biker’s old lady to take your revenge. Booze, however, cannot solve the problem of the STD that you’ll probably contract from banging her. Historical fact: Trying to understand the basic principles of the physical universe, Sir Isaac Newton drank a shitload of booze. He didn’t come up with gravity because an apple hit his head; he came up with gravity because he fell down a flight of stairs.

Baseball bat: Baseball bats are perfect for smashing skulls or that goddamned fax machine that keeps jamming up. They’re also useful for hitting baseballs.

Coffee: Coffee is great for keeping you awake so you can drink more booze or be productive at work, if that’s your thing. If coffee isn’t available cocaine is a perfectly acceptable substitute (although significantly more expensive). Coffee can be found just about anywhere but if you can’t find any look for cocaine. Some good places to check for cocaine are inside the anus of a prisoner, anywhere there are strippers, and Tijuana. At no time are we allowed to use meth as a substitute. Meth makes you look like a zombie and Average Guys love killing zombies.

Fire: Fire is one of the most diverse tools the Average Guy can harness. Fire can be used to cook delicious meats, which is great because cooking over an open flame is the only acceptable way for a man to cook. Historical fact: Most of the great chefs of the world – the ones who gave us cold soup – are French. Who the fuck eats cold soup? Put a fire under that bitch. Stupid French. All other food consumed by men should be prepared by women and preferably delivered to him by a woman with large jugs wearing orange short-shorts. The sad fact is that big breasted women aren’t always going to be around to bring you food and being hungry is a huge fucking problem for the Average Guy. Fire is a great tool when the average guy is hungry. Fire is also great to get some time off work. It will take them at least a couple weeks to relocate after you burn your office to the ground. Fire is also perfect for getting rid of witches. Our ancestors knew this and burned witches all the time. If the good folks in Salem taught us one thing it’s that there’s no better way to solve a witch problem than with a good old-fashioned bonfire. Here is a quick list of how to tell if a woman is a witch: 1) She is free thinking. 2) She won’t bring you a beer. 3) She turns people into frogs. If she meets any of these criteria it’s time to start gathering hotdogs for the upcoming weenie roast.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Superheroes

Average Guys love superheroes. Watching a masked vigilante hunt down and pound into submission anyone from a megalomaniacal super villain bent upon world domination, to a two-bit crook who just happened to nab some old lady’s purse on a slow crime day, gives us a feeling of satisfaction – like we did it ourselves. Yeah, we’d all love to be Superman with bullets bouncing off our chest, or the Thing tossing cars at Dr. Doom, but we’re just Average Guys. We don’t have superpowers, unless you call never having to ask for directions a super power. I do, so shut your mouth.

Every guy has wanted to be a superhero at some point in his life. Most of us have never outgrown it. Eventually these heroes change from ones who are invulnerable, to those who can’t think about picking up a bus without worrying about their back. We start respecting superheroes that aren’t so super – Average Guy superheroes. These guys are usually angry and more violent than a war. They help those who need helped and bust the teeth out of everyone else.

Here are the top 10 Average Guy superheroes.

The Top 10 Average Guy superheroes

10. Xena – Warrior Princess: Okay, so Xena, being a princess, is a chick. That’s just fine. Scantly clad, ass-kicking chicks in leather who hang out with hot blonde lesbians are kind of a turn on. In fact, I just got a hard-on writing about it. Besides, anyone who fights gods and occasionally pals around with Bruce Campbell is good enough for me. 

Hulk Rating: Zero. This woman isn’t angry at all. She just loves to beat people up.  Unless she’s on her period, then her Hulk rating is “I’ll see you in a week you crazy bitch.”

9. The Six Million-Dollar Man: “Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him, we have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first Bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.” In 1974, ABC launched a TV program about a seriously injured astronaut the government fitted with $6 million worth of bionic parts and enlisted him as a secret agent. He could run 60 mph and lift a truck with his dick. Today with $6 million the government could fit your arm with nice hook. The show was awesome. The dude fought Russian spies and Bigfoot. Or maybe it was awesome because Austin was played by Lee Majors who banged Farrah Fawcett back in the day when every male in America wanted to bang her. Shit, I should move him up a few spots.

Hulk Rating: Ten percent. He was really angry at first, you know, when he lost his arm and legs, but when he became a secret agent the government paid him too well to be mad. Besides the money, who wouldn’t be happy with a bionic cock? The Six Million-Dollar Man is the one guy who can make the vibrator obsolete. That lucky son of a bitch must have been getting more tail than Wilt Chamberlin.

8. The Hulk: Dr. Bruce Banner was an Average Guy. An Average Guy with a lab coat and a Ph.D., but an Average Guy all the same. When Banner ran into a problem during a lab experiment, he did what every Average Guy would do. He said, “Fuck it. If everyone in here is too big of a pussy to help out, I’ll just take care of this one myself.” Then he accidentally set off a Gamma Ray bomb. The result of this monumental fuck up? Every time Banner gets pissed off he turns into a raging green giant with the strength of Zeus and the common sense of a turnip. What guy wouldn’t want that? The asshole across the street won’t turn off his goddamned music, Hulk smash. The President interrupts the football game to talk about some crisis, Hulk smash the Lincoln Memorial. If the corner convenience store is out of potato chips, Hulk smash Idaho. “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets.” I don’t know if that would be a good superpower for me. I can get pretty fucking mad.

Hulk Rating: One hundred percent. Hey, he IS the Hulk.  Shit, I guess I’d be that pissed too if all stores had in my size were purple pants.

7. Iron Man: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Stark’s richer than Bill Gates, so how’s he an Average Guy? He’s just a regular non-super powered guy who likes Scotch and could buy Madagascar if he had a few too many. And I don’t mean the movie “Madagascar”; I’m talking the whole goddamned country. Terrorists kidnapped Stark and ordered him to build a weapon of mass destruction. He said, “fuck that,” and built a super suit he used to escape his captors and kick some major ass. Back in the Cold War days he killed communists, now he kills terrorists. Hell yeah.

Hulk Rating: Forty-five to 25 percent. Yes, this guy is angry, but since he killed the guys who initially pissed him off, he just randomly gets angry with people who really need their asses kicked.

6. Green Arrow: Oliver Queen is another billionaire like Tony Stark who likes to play dress-up and hurt people. Sounds like an S&M fetish. But Queen is a non-super powered master marksman with a bow and arrow and shoots stuff like arrows with boxing gloves on the end. Who wouldn’t want to have some of those lying around the house when your buddy’s talking shit during a football game? “Hey, Karl.” Whap. “Shut the fuck up.”

Hulk Rating: Twenty-five percent. Okay, so he’s a bit ticked off, but he’s a fucking billionaire. What does he really have to be angry about? Hey, The Batman’s on vacation, let’s go shoot some arrows tipped with dynamite around Gotham City and watch Robin piss himself. That’ll be fun.

5. Wolverine: Wolverine is as close to an Average Guy as a mutant can get. He’s not some raging prick like the X-Men’s Cyclops, or an uptight twat like Jean Grey. He’s a beer-swilling pig who’ll punch you in the face if you need it. The best thing about Wolverine is you always need it. Sure he has super powers, like healing and animal senses, but it’s not like he flaunts it like that pretty boy Flash, running really fast in a flaming red suit. Also, the guy’s skeleton has been fused with the metal alloy adamantium so he has a bitch of a time getting onto a commercial airplane. This makes him grouchy and prone to using deadly force. And Average Guys love deadly force.

Hulk Rating: Sixty-five percent. Would you really like to see this guy angry? He can sprout indestructible metal claws that can rip through your car, your house, a bank vault, the Terminator, and Mount Rushmore, which he might do because he’s Canadian. Big tip: when in a bar, don’t knock your drink over on this guy.

4. Captain America: Back in 1941, government scientists injected Steve Rogers with an experimental serum that turned Rogers into a super soldier who fought Nazis. Dressed in red, white, and blue, Captain America single-handedly kicked Hitler’s ass and pounded the Japanese into defeat. We did not drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 – that was Captain America’s climax as he fucked the entire Japanese Archipelago. And, yes, his climax lasted three days and killed 225,000 people.

Hulk Rating: Thirty-five percent. Not so angry. He just likes killing Germans and conquering the Japanese Empire. Then again, who doesn’t enjoy those things?

3. Spider-Man: Yes, Peter Parker as Spider-Man has super powers, but he’s a Class A dork. Science nerd Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and receives the spider’s abilities – but he’s still a science nerd. He’s awkward with women, awkward with authority, and second-guesses himself. all. the. time. That’s somebody an Average Guy can laugh at … but just to ourselves. As Spider-Man, that dork could kick our ass.

Hulk Rating: Fifteen percent. Spider-Man isn’t an angry guy. Sure, a criminal who Spider-Man decided not to chase killed his Uncle Ben, but that made him more pouty than anything else.

2. The Batman: 1) Let’s get this straight right out of the box. This guy is called THE Batman, not Batman, and you will fucking call him “The Batman.” Also acceptable are “The Dark Knight,” “The World’s Greatest Detective,” “sir,” and “the man who ripped out my liver with his black-gloved fists.” 2) Bruce Wayne is a rich pretty boy without super powers who uses his fortune to fight crime. Hmm. We’ve heard this before. Except this is The Batman who could kick the shit out of Tony Stark and Oliver Queen if they looked at him funny. And, ooohhh, how I’d love for them to look at him funny. Not that I want to see Iron Man and the Green Arrow disabled or killed because then they couldn’t disable or kill others, but it would be a great fight. The Batman is the second most angry superhero in America. As a child he saw his parents killed by a thug in an alley. Why his ultra-rich parents were in an alley at night is a mystery, as is why the thug couldn’t tell that the kid staring up at him with death in his eyes would one day grow up and rip the thug’s spine out through his mouth. The Batman’s the reason even parking ticket offenses are down in Gotham City. He’s that bad assed.

Hulk Rating: Seventy-five percent. Although The Batman is a bitter, brooding man, he does have a sense of humor. That is, if you consider hanging petty criminals upside down by their nuts and allowing neighborhood waifs to use them as a piñata as a sense of humor. If you do, then this guy is hilarious.

However, the first most Average Guy superhero is … 

1. The Punisher: Frank Castle is a guy with no super powers, just like The Batman. So why did I place the Punisher ahead of The Dark Knight? Because Castle is an Average Guy. He was just a normal cop, busting bad guys, minding his own business, banging is wife, and being a good dad. Then some asshole kills his family. Hey, Bruce Wayne, sure, you saw your parents killed when you were a kid, but this guy saw his two kids killed when he was a parent – THAT’S A SERIOUS FUCKING PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE. Not to forget his now-dead wife. She was a choice piece of ass. Although The Batman, like his goody-two-shoes buddy Superman, loathes killing bad guys, that’s what The Punisher does. That’s all the Punisher does. Threats, murder, kidnapping, knuckle-breaking, bitch-slapping, groin-crushing. If you fucked up, you get the whole package. It’s all in a day’s work for an Average Guy like Frank Castle.

Hulk Rating: Whatever’s more than 100 percent, that’s what The Punisher is. This guy’s angry all the time. If this guy were the Hulk, there would be no life left on Earth. He would also kill everyone in the International Space Station just by looking into the sky.

Non-super superhero runner-ups

John Constantine: Occult detective who’s dying but doesn’t give a fuck. And he can cast spells. So he’s like a bad assed Dumbledore but not dead … yet.

Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones swings from bullwhips, shoots Arabs, punches Nazis, touches more religious artifacts than Jesus, and gets laid a lot. If this guy’s not a super hero, he’s at least deserving of a Congressional medal and a whole shitload of high-fives.

Laura Croft: Her tits that defy gravity distract villains of both sexes long enough for her to shoot them in the fucking head. Or dinosaurs. She shoots dinosaurs, too.

MacGyver: This guy is powerless, unless he has a bit of string, a stick of Doublemint, and a Bic pen. With that he just constructed an M-60 machine gun and 400 rounds of ammunition. You’re screwed, asshole.

The Average Guy's Guide to Vacationing

If there’s one thing the Average Guy loves more than getting drunk and banging bad bitches its getting drunk and banging bad bitches in new and exciting places and never having to see them again. Depending on the situation, bumping into someone you bumped uglies with isn’t always a bad thing. There’s always a chance you could see something surprisingly fuckable you vaguely remember banging in the bathroom of Chuck E. Cheese’s standing in the grocery store and give “clean up in aisle three” a whole new meaning.  You could also head over to the produce isle with her and finally put an end to the banana vs. cucumber debate and there are all sorts of other interesting possibilities in the hot dog and frozen treats sections. While finally solving the banana/cucumber/bratwurst/bomb pop/turkey baster debate is tempting, the bad bitch you hooked up with six months ago could come up on you looking like Octomom before she crapped out eight kids. You don’t need that happening when you’re trying to decide between Cap’n Crunch or Cookie Crisp.

While you’re still going to bang randoms at home you can minimize your chance of finding out you fathered a child with something that, when sober looks like a goat, by hooking up while on vacation. Of course there are other activities you’ll partake in while on vacation, but mostly we’re talking about getting drunk and spreading gravy. Here are some of the best locations for a man-cation.

 Las Vegas

            Vegas is an obvious choice for many reasons. Prostitution is legal in Nevada – although not within the Vegas city limits – so if you’re no good at picking up skanks you can pay for it. Of course, you shouldn’t have to. Vegas’ well-known slogan is “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” but it should be “Sluts Come to Vegas to Get Dick.” You’ll find plenty of women ready to whore it up and the drinks are free. There’s plenty of gambling to be done so who knows you could end up getting to go on vacation for free if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, then you’ll come home broke with Chlamydia.

New Orleans

            New Orleans (AKA Atlantis) is home to some of the greatest strip clubs in the civilized world. There’s Hustler’s Barely Legal club that employs only 18 year olds (God bless their skanky souls), there’s a strip club that advertises “live sex acts” which basically means people bang on stage, and many other establishments of cultural importance. You know, like museums but with loud music and whores. One warning about strip clubs – you won’t see snatch. Some bullshit law in New Orleans says Pooh can’t show her Honey Pot (but, for some reason, it’s okay to bang on stage). Hey, at least it’s not like that bullshit new law that just passed in Missouri which turned strip clubs into 3D Victoria’s Secret magazines featuring meth addicted mothers of three.

There’s more than strip clubs galore in New Orleans. Due to the stunning combination of Southern charm, French culture, and rampant alcoholism, you can legally walk out of a bar with your drink. So you can walk into a dive, buy a cheap drink, then walk into a joint with chicks dancing on poles where a glass of booze costs more than a car battery. New Orleans also is also the Mecca of flashing for beads so you’re bound to see plenty of tits. And for our friendly Muslim readers I just offended by putting the words “Mecca” and “tits” in the same sentence, I don’t give a shit. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. There, I did it again. I bet at any good Muslim strip joint you can see some really good ankle.  This blog is now one of the top 10 targets in America for a terrorist attack.

Mexico

            Mexico is great because everything is really cheap compared to being in the States. This means you can get more fucked up than Hunter S. Thompson for half the price. While the resort cities like Cancun and Cabo San Lucus are nice, you can get into a lot more shit if you go to a border town like Tijuana. Lets be honest, you’re going to the donkey show one way or another. You might go out of curiosity or you might go because seeing someone you hope you never wake up next to get fucked by a donkey makes you happy in the pants. You’ll probably end up having nightmares about it but when the little old lady at your office who refuses to retire asks you what you did on your vacation you’ll pretty much guarantee that she stays the fuck out of your business when you explain in graphic details of what its like to see human and animal genitalia collide.

Amsterdam

            This one should really be self-explanatory. They sell weed there openly to anyone. You don’t even have to pay some shady doctor money to get a card, they just fucking sell it to you on the spot. Don’t worry about packing clothes. Just bring your favorite smoking device, plenty of Funyons, and your Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD box set because God only knows if you can get Funyons in Europe and if Aqua Teen is even on TV it will probably not be in English (I did get so high one time I knew how to speak Korean for several hours, but that’s another story). Like Nevada the hookers here are legal so smoke a fatty and enjoy your vacation by not fucking a fatty.

Any popular spring break destination

            Spring break is basically just college girl for “fuck random strangers.” If this isn’t a good enough reason for you to take a vacation in the spring you really shouldn’t be taking my advice on where to vacation.

Alaska

            Okay, you probably don’t want to poke an Eskimo and you’re not going to find a lot of partying going on in Alaska, but where else are you going to get a chance to fight a grizzly bear? Grizzly bear fighting is the ultimate way to prove your badassness. Here are some quick rules to fighting grizzly bears.

1.      No guns. No bows. No crossbows. Nothing to give you an unfair advantage over the bear. You’ve been through a lot more evolution than the bear has, so act like a man.

2.      Grow a beard before the fight. You’re going to need it if you want to have a chance at survival. It’s a scientific fact beards make you tougher than an M1 Abrams tank.

3.      Don’t play dead. That shit is for cowards and opossums. If you’ve decided to fight a grizzly bear you’re either not a coward or just stumbled on some hairy shit in the woods and wondered what it would be like to fuck a Bigfoot; if you’re a opossum you’re basically just a giant rat but I’d like to meet you because I’ve always wanted to meet a opossum that can read.

4.      If your name is Lance or Terrance don’t bother trying to fight a fucking bear. Sorry but your name makes you a pussy. If your name is Joe, Bill, Cutthroat, or, hell, even SpongeBob, you stand a much better chance of killing a bear than Lance. Lance? Seriously?

Enjoy your trip.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Family Dinners

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The Average Guys Guide to Fantasy Sports

            Fantasy sports are great. No, wait, that’s like saying beer and beef jerky are great. You don’t have to say it – they just are. Fantasy sports turns every game into a reason for you to drink beer and be a dick to your friends, which is okay because they’re drinking beer and being a dick to you, too. Fantasy sports gives you a stake in every game that will be on your television, and even though your wife has planned something stupid like apple picking on game day, sports will be on your television. No, it WILL be on your television. Are you kidding me? Apple picking? How long has she fucking known you? It’s Sunday which translates into “Sportsday.” You don’t need another reason to sit around your house yelling at your TV and getting drunk instead of going apple picking or to your daughter’s dance recital. Don’t worry about your daughter, there’s a whole industry based around girls who are dancers with daddy issues and Stinky Pete’s is always looking for new talent. Your daughter will be fine. What you really need to worry about is making sure you maximize your fantasy potential and don’t look like a dip shit in your league. Follow these rules and you’ll be fine.

Don’t forget about your team: There’s always at least one guy in a league who shows up to the draft then forgets he has a team. Chances are you won’t be invited to play next year, you just lost the money you paid for the buy-in, and your friends will start calling you Vagina-crotch McTampon-user – even at church. And if the preacher knows you bailed on your team, he might even drop an “loser” toward you from the pulpit.

Bet on your fantasy team: If you don’t put any money down on your team you’ll probably end up like McTampon-user because you won’t have anything invested in your team other than your pride. Who the fuck cares about pride? Lay down some cash. It’s not like your fantasy league’s going to charge you juice like your bookie and your fantasy commissioner isn’t nearly as likely to break your legs as that guy named Vinny who wears a track suit and gold chain. However, some fantasy leagues get pretty serious.

Talk shit: In any competition a man is either talking shit or taking shit. Be the one talking shit or you’re the woman of the league. It doesn’t matter if you’re down 50 points and the only player you have left is your kicker, you still need to talk shit. Is your kicker going to hit a dozen 50-yard field goals? Fuck no. But you need to shout it. When you stop talking shit you have admitted defeat, which brings me to …

Never admit defeat: At no point do you concede. We’re men. We yell “freedom” and charge forward into our almost certain deaths wearing nothing but blue paint. Never give up on your fantasy team, or Scotland, or any reason to attack somebody with a sword.

Come up with a clever fantasy name: During your draft it’s important you draft at least one player whose name can be used to conjure up a clever fantasy name. Whoever has the best fantasy team name may not win the league but he certainly will get props from his friends. Some of my favorite fantasy team names have been (in order of awesomeness): 1) Pucker Up and Chris My Johnson. 2) Bumping Utleys. 3) Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe.

Do your homework: You’re not taking this seriously if you don’t study the players before your draft. Everyone will bust your balls when you draft a player who’s injured and out for the season. Nothing will make you feel more like a bitch than being verbally assaulted by your league when you select the guy with a broken femur. Hell, I’m laughing at you right now, and I don’t even know you. Keep up on your homework after the draft, too. The guy who watches the most games and pays closest attention to the stats throughout the season is the same guy who will be counting the money at the end of the season. He’s also the guy who watched the most football, which probably means he drank the most beer. You want to be this person.

Make trades: Trading fantasy players is like trading baseball cards for grown-ups (although it’s still perfectly acceptable for a grown man to buy baseball cards and trade them with his buddies). Make trades. It’s part of what makes fantasy games fun. Let’s go back to the third sentence of “The Average Guys Guide to Fantasy Sports” – being a dick. The best way to fuck over your friends is to make a trade that will kick them in the balls the week you’re going to play them. Hey, I just traded for Chris Johnson. Sure, I had to give up Ochocinco and my wife’s uterus, but you’re going down. Speaking of fucking people over…

Fuck over the people in your league: Playing fantasy sports is the only time it is acceptable to fuck over your friends. You can’t fuck your buddy over when selling him a car. If you sell your buddy a car with a transmission you know is shit and don’t tell him about it, you’re a douche bag. He’s probably going to kick your ass and murder your family. If I were the judge at that trial, I’d give him a lollypop and let him walk. But if you make a trade that really shreds your friend’s corn-hole then he is the one who’s shamed. If he’s too stupid to know that giving you Randy Moss for Brandon Jackson is a bad trade then he deserves to lose. The rest of your league will be pissed off, but not because you fucked over a guy in your league; it’ll be because they didn’t get to fuck him over first. If someone in your league is stupid enough to ask you for fantasy advice give him shit advice unless he is playing someone that week that has a considerable lead in the league.

Do an in-person draft, not an online draft: This gives you an excuse to get together with your buddies and spend hours doing nothing but talking about sports, boobs, maybe cars, and drinking until you can’t walk. If this doesn’t sound balls-to-the-wall awesome then you’re probably not reading this because you’re too busy picking out drapes.

Don’t miss your draft: If you’re still breathing there is no acceptable excuse to miss your draft. Weddings, funerals, work, or being on your period does not make it okay for you to miss a draft. Are you in the hospital? I don’t care. If you can’t make your draft don’t play in that league. Having one of your friends draft for you will guarantee that you end up with a shit team (see “Fuck over the people in your league”).

Happy drafting.

An Average Guy’s Guide to Etiquette

The Average Guy cares less about the proper modes of social behavior than he should a friend’s chronic rectal itch. Etiquette’s not funny. Your friend’s rectal itch is hilarious. Laughing at your buddy talking to some girl in a bar shifting his weight to Lady Gaga just to scratch his ass is as funny as watching Gaga fall down a flight of stairs. But social etiquette happens to everyone – either you adhere to it and no one notices, or you don’t and people sneer. For anyone who sneers in my direction I didn’t get around to punching, you should know I left the party early and ran my junk over every car door handle in the parking lot. So while picking your nose on the way home, you stuck my dick up your nasal passage … and you don’t know where it’s been.

But should an Average Guy care about etiquette? Let’s consider the following: 1) Does it really matter if somebody eats peas with a dinner fork or dessert fork? 2) Should you tuck the napkin in your shirt, or spread it on your leg? 3) Is it wrong to have sex with your boss’s daughter who only wants to hurt daddy, but she’s really, really hot? The answers are 1) no. Peas are good for you. Eat them with your fists, 2) yes to both uses of the napkin and eating during a lap dance. Anything that keeps ketchup off your prized AC/DC concert T-shirt is acceptable, and 3) if you say ‘yes,’ I will set fire to your house.

Should an Average Guy care about the kind of dinner/dining/dancing etiquette you see on TV? Fuck no. That type of etiquette is for people who care what other people think of them. Average Guys don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. However, there are social, mainly unspoken, unwritten until now Average Guy rules we should all follow. These are the Average Guy Rules of Etiquette:

Bathroom Etiquette

Don't pee next to this man.

Urinals: Don’t look at the guy next to you. Don’t even turn your head slightly to see if he’s the kind of guy who might bash you in the head and take your wallet. He’ll think you’re looking at his dick. I once made the mistake of glancing at the guy at the urinal next to me and it was NFL Hall of Fame offensive lineman Dan Dierdorf. It doesn’t matter that the dude was almost 60; he could kick my ass. Seriously, don’t look.

Don’t talk: You’re in a stall of a public bathroom; pants at your ankles, the hair on your legs standing up, and you’re dropping a load in a rhythm that sounds like a Bobby McFerrin song. Some guy comes in and squats in the stall next to you. Uncomfortable, but tolerable. Then he. starts. talking. to. you. What the hell? A man trying to talk to you in a bathroom shitter while you’re sitting over a semi-liquid mess teaming with tetanus is more uncomfortable than farting in church. A bathroom talker is not a man. Shut the fuck up. If my pants weren’t down I would beat you with a toilet seat.

Washing your hands: Public restrooms are filthier than Paris Hilton, and just looking at Paris Hilton makes me want to wash my eyes with rubbing alcohol. If I could hold my dump on a cross-state drive, I would. Walking into a public bathroom is a lot like descending into the world of the Morlocks. Public bathrooms are dark, moldy, have green stuff oozing down the walls, and red-eyed monsters stare at you from dark corners. Wash your hands before you go in, don’t touch anything, don’t sit on anything, don’t look at anything, then step into a Star Trek decontamination chamber on the way out – but don’t wash your hands. The problems with washing your hands in a public restroom are, 1) anyone who used the sink before you got shit on the faucet handle. Literal shit, 2) many public restrooms don’t have paper towels and who has time to stand in front of a blow dryer for five minutes when some asshole’s sitting in a stall trying to talk to you? 3) many rural convenience store bathrooms have the continuous-circle cloth towel which is good for only one thing – contracting hepatitis, and 4) how in the hell are you getting out of this sewage pit with clean hands if you have to touch the door handle? It ain’t happening. Just say the hell with it, don’t wash your hands, and fondle all the hotdogs in the rotisserie on your way out of the convenience store.

Your Buddy’s House Etiquette

Farting: If you’re at your buddy’s house, chances are other buddies are there, a ballgame’s on, various chip dips are scattered across the coffee table, and somebody’s already broken the “fuck seal.” Probably with, “Thanks for the fucking invite,” “can you believe that fucking call?” or “hey, I fucking farted.” Farting at a buddy’s house is more expected than you actually bringing your own beer. There are, however, generally accepted rules for farting: 1) don’t fart in front of women. Sure, if a woman is at a party where guys are drinking, eating, and watching sports, she might as well be at the zoo. But society tells us that when we’re around women we’re supposed to pretend we’re someone else, so just make sure you sneak out your air loaf and smile quietly to yourself as she tries to figure out which one of you bastards did it, 2) don’t fart in the bathroom – do it in the middle of the action. Sure, everyone will bitch, but inside we’re all high-fiving your rotten sphincter bomb. Surprisingly enough, at a party the bathroom’s usually the best place to get away from the smell, 3) don’t not fart, with the strange bodily movement and facial contortions associated with holding one in, people might think you’re having a stroke. If someone can’t deal with you not not farting, wait till they bend over the dip table and rip one in their face.

Your buddy’s wife: If your buddy’s wife is hot, both she and your friend should keep her the hell away from the assholes he hangs around with. It’s not that any Average Guy would ever try and make it with his buddy’s wife, but an Average Guy will stare at her boobs like they might get up and dance.

The last beer: You want it, you want it, you want it, but never, ever take the last beer. It’s more acceptable to use the last square of toilet paper in a friend’s house than it is to take his last beer. Taking the last beer out of your buddy’s fridge is equivalent to seeing his car broken down on the side of the road, pulling over, hitting him in the head with a pipe, rolling his body into a ditch and driving off. Okay, so that’s not exactly like taking your buddy’s last beer because taking his last beer is much, much worse. Hitler would take his friend’s last beer. Yeah, think about that.

First Date Etiquette

Picking up your date: The Average Guy knows as much about women as he does nuclear physics. If you’re a nuclear physicist, you know as much about women as you do plumbing/hog farming/“Jersey Shore.” The point is no one knows anything about women. Period. Once you land a date with the elusive female, they will expect you to drive to their house, unless you’re borderline creepy, then they’ll drive themselves to an agreed-on spot in a public setting and will probably wear a wire. But what is the proper way to take her from her house to the date? There are three methods determined by the woman’s social status, 1) she still lives with her mother. You’re going to have to work at it. Shower, show up early, knock on the door, bring a gift (preferably something her mother can enjoy, like candy, a TV Guide, or whatever in the hell women who live together like), wear a shirt with a collar, tell her how nice she looks, and if you masturbate before the date make sure you mop up. You’re going to drive, you’re going to pay, and you’re not going to get laid, but at least you tried, 2) she’s a professional woman who lives alone, which means she might want to drive. Fuck that. Tell her you’re not nearly drunk enough for her to drive, then talk about Hemmingway and challenge her to a drinking contest. If she says “no,” she’s probably going to call the cops. But if she says “yes,” this tight-assed powerbitch will break your pelvis. Sweet. And 3) she’s into you like Star Wars geeks are into Princess Leia’s gold bikini. You can show up wearing a T-shirt featuring a picture you having sex with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and she’ll still go out with you.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Getting drunk: There are women who think dates are magical events where people dance with unicorns, snort rainbows, tickle dolphins, and play UNO with swans. These are also women who think “Titanic” is the best movie James Cameron ever made – even though you know its “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” – enjoy music that makes you punch drywall, and have an annoying laugh. I offer you three words: 1) booze, 2) it, 3) up. Getting drunk with Miss Moonbeam will take this date from beat-my-head-on-the-floor to tolerable. But no matter how hot this type of woman is, they’re too fucking annoying to spend more than one date with. Note, “more than one date” and “balls to Jesus” are two different things. If you’re dating someone too classy to drink beer, she’s not for you, pal. And, realistically, she’s not for anyone.

Who should pay: You. I’m sorry, but it’s always you. Women have gone to so much effort to do bullshit like vote, own land, have equal pay, and the right to speak in public, it’s just sad they throw all this respect away when they expect you to spring for dinner.

Work Etiquette

Dealing with coworkers: No matter where you work or who you work for, the people you work with are dickheads. You might chat with them causally about their personal life, go out for lunch with them, and play cards at their house, but these people suck to you in much the same way Judas sucked to Jesus. As soon as a corner office is open, your office “friend” will turn you over to the Romans. But, unlike Jesus, you need to strike first. Get to know them. Infiltrate their world of pasty cubical dwelling trolls. Mock people you know they hate to gain their trust. Then, when you’ve learned enough about these people, fuck them like Tommy Lee all over Pamela Anderson. That corner office is yours.

Taking things out of the office fridge that aren’t yours: Have you ever watched an old-school sci-fi movie where a scientist grabbed the wrong test tube/sandwich/beaker of scotch out of the refrigerator, and the world ended? This was based on a workplace refrigerator. Taking food out of a workplace fridge is as dangerous as sharing heroine needles with hobos. Don’t do it; the food in there is probably old enough to be your father. The only exception is an unmarked bottle of coffee creamer. That’s because it’s not coffee creamer, it’s breast milk. If the one new mother in the office is hotter than deep-fried tits, drink the bottle and wear that milk mustache around the office like a war medal. HR will put something in your permanent file, but it’s worth it.

Leaving with class: You’re going to get fired. This isn’t a critique of your work ethic (even though if you’re an Average Guy you’re doing just enough to get by), it’s just a statistical probability. Everyone gets fired. The trick is to walk out of that building with your dignity and, hopefully, a shitload of office supplies. Prepare for your firing the day you take the job. Never – and I mean never – take anything personal to work except the clothes you’re wearing. You’ve seen those people you work with who have more personal pictures on their desk than your mom has in photo albums. When these losers get fired (and you’re glad they did. Pricks), some corporate thugs escort them to their desk and watch like prison guards while your now-former co-worker packs a box full of those pictures, troll dolls, novelty items and all the shit they’ve accumulated over years of not being fired. It’s pathetic. When you get fired, instead of wasting valuable time on personal items, you can fill that box with all the printer cartridges, Post-It Notes, highlighters, staples, company coffee mugs, and ink pens you’ve spent the past two years stealing. Then, as the thugs escort you out of the building, tell everyone it was you who never flushed the toilet. Good riddance, assholes. I’m going home to drink beer and play video games.

Sporting Event Etiquette

Cheering for your team: Sporting events are one of the rare instances Average Guys get a chance to high-five strangers without people thinking we have Down’s Syndrome. Naturally you’ll want to take full advantage by cheering for your team because high-fives are fucking awesome. In most cases it’s perfectly acceptable to root for your team but keep in mind you’re not a goddamned cheerleader. At no point are you allowed to encourage others to cheer. If you attempt to start “the wave” I will cut off your foot and eat it in front of you. If you’re just a casual observer, you’re not even allowed to cheer. Example: I don’t know shit about hockey, but if someone offers me free tickets I’m going to watch some Canucks try to smash each other’s teeth out, but at no time will I cheer. Just because I’ve seen the Mighty Ducks doesn’t mean I’ll yell, “Its knuckle puck time” or “Ducks fly together,” although I have to admit I might be looking for Kenan Thompson so I can get the autograph of the least funny person to ever be on Saturday Night Live.

Tailgating: Tailgating is a great time to drink beer, grill, drink beer, and eat, which are three of the Average Guy’s favorite things. Enjoy yourself in the parking lot before and after the game but at no point are you allowed to miss any part of the game to tailgate. If you want to sit around grilling and drinking have a fucking barbecue.

The Wine Rack. One of the greatest inventions of all time.

Drinking: Drinking once inside the stadium is more expensive than the entire continent of Africa, so it shouldn’t be surprising that it is not considered a breech of etiquette to smuggle in booze. A flask is the most obvious route to go here but some other methods include duct taping beers to various parts of your body, wearing a CamelBak under your shirt, and if you’re lucky enough to have a chick cool enough to bring to the game get her to wear one of these bad boys. This glorious invention is known as the Wine Rack. At no point is there to be actual wine in here because averages guys don’t drink wine, but it’s an excellent way to sneak booze into the stadium and as a bonus it makes you’re lady friend’s boobs look bigger.

Average Guys Guide to Technology

Technology is evolving all the time. It continues to get more and more advanced. You know what else evolved from less advanced forms? Humans. If we keep fucking around were going to have a situation just like The Terminator or The Matrix on our hands real fast. To hell with that. The end of the human race is reserved for zombies, not robots. As Average Guys we are the protectors of the human race. It is our responsibility to limit our technology use to only essential forms of technology. Below is the technology considered acceptable for the Average Guy to have the most up-to-date version of and what shit we should avoid using if we don’t want the governor of Kal-eh-forn-ea to hunt us down and murder us like our name’s John Fucking Connor.

Technology important to Average Guys

1. Televisions: Average Guys need giant flat screen TVs like women need to bitch at guys for watching sports on giant flat screen TVs. If your TV was big enough to be in The Dallas Cowboys’ stadium you would still want it to be bigger.
2. Video Games: While old school video games still kick ass, no expense should be spared when it comes to purchasing the latest video games. While video games can get expensive quick its worth it to get the gratification that slaying zombies in a realistic looking video game brings. Consider it practice for the survival of the human race. If Left 4 Dead does for my hunting skills what Duck Hunt did a distant generation’s, when the zombies attack the Average Guy (and hopefully some choice ass) will be the only humans left alive. So you not only can find ways to afford a good gaming system, you must find ways to afford it. Shit, now that they’ve got games that are motion controlled you can actually get a workout. You might as well take the money you were going to spend on a gym membership and put it towards video gaming.
3. Computers: If your computer is slow or crashes while you’re in the middle of jerking off to Two Girls One Cup chances are you’re going to toss that piece of shit out of the window. Not only will you have to buy a new computer but you’ll also have to pay the medical bills of that poor son of a bitch who just happened to be walking by your apartment building when you went ape shit and dropped a computer on his dome. Buy yourself a decent computer and save yourself the trouble of paying for some guys life support and download your porn at blazing fast speeds. It’s better for you, it’s better for him, it’s better for your dick.
4. Weapons: Don’t act like you don’t want some sweet James Bond-style weapons. Why just shoot your enemies with a gun when you could shoot you enemies with a laser that comes out of your wristwatch. Fuck yeah.

Technology that is not important to Average Guys

1. MP3 players: The Average Guy doesn’t give a shit if he’s got the latest iPod in his pocket. Does the Average Guy have some device within 10 feet of him that plays music? If the answer is yes then its good enough for the Average Guy. Who gives a shit if you’ve got the brand new $400 iPod touch-video-dildo-nano-zune-shuffle-mini? If it costs $400 it better be able to give me a blowjob and make me a sandwich – in that order
2. Cell phones: Your cell phone can connect to the Internet. Big deal. It’s a cell phone. You know what I use to connect to the Internet? A fucking computer. And as far as all of these “apps” go… well I don’t know what the shit an “app” is, but I have a hammer, so if we’re playing “rock, paper, scissors, app, hammer,” my hammer wins every fucking time. My guess is “app” is short for Apple and I don’t like my fruit and technology to mix so Steve Jobs can take his black sweater and go fuck himself. A cell phone should be able to make calls, send text messages, and take pictures/videos of naked chicks. That’s it. We don’t need all that extra bullshit.
3. iPads (Insert feminine hygiene product joke here). Now that you’ve had your feminine napkin-related laugh lets get down to what the iPad is. It’s kind of like a computer that has a touch screen instead of a keyboard, although it can’t really do what a computer does, but it also does some of the things an iPhone can do except call people, take pictures, or be useful. So when you actually use the fucking thing you’re asking yourself why your laptop and cell phone are sitting on your desk looking so goddamned smug and that fucking Steve Jobs is patting his wallet and smiling.
4. Roombas: For those of you don’t know what a Roomba is it’s a robot that roams around your place and vacuums up god-knows-what-that-is on your floor. I know what you’re thinking “Oh, shit yeah. This thing cleans for me? Robots kick ass.” But there is a problem with what seems like a perfectly awesome robot. Roombas are detrimental to women. Women already have a hard enough time finding jobs and when they do they are paid less than men. Who are we as men to employ a robot when we could employ a woman? Who are we as men to take women’s beloved vacuuming from them? I say we as Average Guys put our feet down and boycott the Roomba. Besides, a Roomba can’t get me a beer.
5.  Kindles: The Kindle is a computer thing designed for reading books. That’s it. Just reading books. This electronic book reader costs $140. It makes no goddamn sense to spend $140 bucks on computer that can only be used to read books when you can check out books for free from a library and spend that $140 on booze and a hooker. Not to mention that even after you’ve purchased this piece of shit you still have to pay to download books and you can’t even download Hustler on the stupid thing.
6. GPS: Using a GPS is just like asking for directions to get somewhere which only women, homosexuals, and weak-kneed pussies do. An Average Guy should never use a GPS. An Average Guy can get anywhere he needs to go by using his sense of direction (all Average Guys have an internal compass), a map, or making his own fucking road.