... Drinking

If you’re an Average Guy, you love to drink, mainly because drinking gives guys the ability to defy gravity, know exactly what an athlete or coach was supposed to do just seconds after he did it, and drive like NASCAR racers. It also allows us to talk with women who wouldn't otherwise talk to us, and cope with the fact that everyone we deal with is as stupid as Brett Favre in front of a whore. On a side note: This bitch Farve has been texting pictures of his dick to, Jenn Sterger, got a job as a sideline reporter with the New York Jets after people saw her looking slutty at Florida State football games. Apparently looking slutty now qualifies you to be a reporter. Now I feel like an idiot for majoring in journalism instead of spending my college money on breast implants and a sex change. Lucky for you I’m not a tranny so I can bring you this highly enlightening blog about Average Guys.

Most importantly, drinking gets us drunk and bestows upon us super powers. Booze to a guy is the opposite of Kryptonite to Superman, and after having a few beers I can tell you this with all seriousness – Superman is a pussy.

But this isn’t the Average Guy’s Guide to Getting Drunk. This is The Average Guy’s Guide to Drinking. There’s a difference. Anyone can get drunk. An Average Guy knows how to do it with the class of Clint Eastwood in one of those movies where he gets drunk and beats the shit out of everybody. As with anything in life, there are rules to drinking, and for an Average Guy these are rules to live by.

The Top 10 Rules for Drinking

1.     Beer is good. The Sumerians didn’t invent beer 6,000 years ago – they were given the recipe by a god. And, really, do you feel badassed enough to argue with the wisdom of a god? Okay, yeah, so you had a 4.0 in college, or you’re the youngest executive in the history of your company, blah, blah, blah. Clam your pie hole. I’m talking about the god who gave us beer – Anunnaki (translated to English, “those who came from heaven with beer”). Compared to him we’re all shit. So shut the fuck up and grab us both a cold one. It’s what the gods want.

2.     Booze is a true catch 22. Joseph Heller actually wanted to write his book about booze but his wife started bitching and made him go to rehab for being an alcoholic even though he only got pants-shitting drunk five to six times a week. So when Heller got out of rehab he wrote his book about war and hate fucked his wife until her pussy fell out. Since Heller’s wife’s pussy didn’t work anymore he put her down. Booze is a natural friend to the Average Guy in most situations. It makes women do things like pull out their tits at random times and make out with other chicks. It also makes the Average Guy more confident and better looking to women. The downside to booze is it could make you incapable of getting a hard-on if over consumed. Also it’s hard (but not impossible) to nail a chick after you throw-up on her. The symbiotic relationship an Average Guy has with booze is just something that every man must accept as inevitable. This is where drinking gets philosophical. A god gave mankind beer, so drinking beer should make us closer to the gods (and who doesn’t feel that way after 10 or 12 beers?), but drinking too much beer makes us forget hooking up with some chick who wasn’t nearly as annoying drunk as she is sober, and the next day we throw up things we don’t remember eating. I give up. Jesus H. Christ. Theology and Milwaukee’s Best hurt my head.

3.     Eat. One of the biggest mistakes the Average Guy makes is the fact that we often go into a night of Lindsay Lohan-like drinking without putting food in our stomachs. This is stupid. Food is not only important for sustaining our health, it’s necessary for making a smooth transition from sober to shit faced. The food in your stomach is expecting to cushion the booze you’re going to pour over it. Don’t disappoint that food by not pouring booze over it and don’t disappoint your stomach by not putting food and booze into it. But eat before you drink, not after. A big dinner after a good night of drinking can not only screw up a really nice drunk, it can make you sleepy and sluggish as you’re running from the cops with a screaming Hooters waitress flopped over your shoulder.

4.     There are alcohols other than beer (although they’re not nearly as important). Ale, lager, pilsner, stout … okay, so these are just different types of beer, but beer’s just that good. Other types of booze men might enjoy include whiskey bourbon, tequila, gin, rum, and grain alcohol. Booze men should never enjoy includes frozen drinks, fruity drinks, and wine (see No. 8).

5.     Drink water. Hangovers are God’s way of getting revenge on you for being more awesome than he was last night. The best way to counteract God’s bullshit is to not drink. Fuck that. That’s like asking a guy not to watch porn. The second best way to avoid hangovers is to drink a butt load of water while you’re drinking a butt load of beer. And, yes, butt is an official measurement of liquid. A butt is 108 imperial gallons, which equals 1,439.64 12-ounce beers. Drink up. Of course if you don’t want water drinking to interfere with beer drinking, switch to something that mixes well with water – like bourbon or vodka.

6.     Don’t switch to bourbon or vodka if you’ve already slammed down a lot of beer. You’ll get a visit from Ralph in his Buick.

7.     Although shots are fun, tasty, and a great way to get into the pants of stupid college girls, anyone taking shots is in danger of overdoing it. Shots are called shots for a reason. Not because you shoot them down, because you’re probably going to get shot by the police after you do 15 Jaeger Bombs and go running down the street naked shaking your dick at everybody who passes by. Be careful, shots can be dangerous.

8.     Under no circumstance whatsoever will a guy willingly drink wine. By “willingly” I mean its okay to force down a glass of merlot if you think it will help you get laid. But wine is enjoyed by the French, Italians, hippies, and hobos. Let me know if you can tell them apart. Let’s look at other types of booze. Do you know who likes whiskey? Cowboys. Rum? Pirates. Vodka? That Russian guy from “Rocky IV” who killed Apollo Creed with his fists. Wine? Wimps, pacifists, and lawyers. Just don’t get drunk off wine. It’ll make your head feel like it’s so big you’ll think you’re John Madden. Seriously that guy’s head is fucking huge, not to mention he’s a total dipshit.

9.     Never drink an Irish car bomb. With an Irish car bomb, you drop a shot glass of Irish whiskey into a pint of Guinness. If this isn’t a Catholic sin, or something, I don’t know what the fuck could be. Guinness is just too goddamned good to ruin with a shot of whiskey, even good whiskey.

10.  Don’t let booze make you stupid. And by “stupid” I mean doing any of the following: letting your friend drive you home because I know that asshole and he’s a lot drunker than you are, pick up a fattie, get into a political discussion with an idiot (which is basically anyone but you), loan anyone money, or volunteer to be the guy to wrestle the bikini chick in the Jell-O pit. She’s well trained in Jell-O wrestling and will kick your ass in front of your buddies and any girl in the bar who will no longer fuck you no matter how many shots you buy her.

And, when you’re out ready to booze it up, just remember to ask yourself WWAGD? What Would the Average Guy Drink? Yeah, that’s right, a shit ton of everything.