The Average Guy’s Guide to Problem Solving

Vanilla Ice -- solvin' some problems.

In the words of Vanilla Ice “If there’s a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.” While women may be the fairer sex they turn to men to solve their problems – don’t argue with this shit. Women complain. Men solve problems. Throughout history there have been uncountable instances of men solving problems that women could only complain about. Take this transcript of the conversation that led to Abraham Lincoln freeing the fuck out of some slaves.

Historical fact

Mary Lincoln: Abe, I really don’t like people having slaves and I’m on my period.

Abraham Lincoln: Calm your ass, woman. I got this.

As we all know Abraham Lincoln then took his righteous beard and dominated the balls off some hillbilly cornbread-eating assholes who thought they could own their fellow human beings. He also tried to make women stop bleeding out their crotch, but Duct tape hadn’t been invented. While Average Guys can’t be president it’s a well-known fact that Abe followed the doctrine of the Average Guy when it came to solving problems. Follow these guidelines for problems solving and you’ll have fewer problems than a woman with an unwanted pregnancy walking into Planned Parenthood.

Ben Franklin -- lady's man.

Identify if it’s your problem: A guy getting his ass kicked by another guy is not your problem. A chick getting her ass kick by a guy is your problem. A chick getting her ass kicked by another chick is not your problem but you might want to go to your car and get that kiddy pool and those industrial sizes bottles of lube you’ve been saving for occasions such as this. Historical fact: Benjamin Franklin always kept a kiddy pool and industrial-sized bottles of lube in his car. And Ben got laid, a lot.

Don’t think it through: Nothing good will come from thinking through a problem. Let your rage, your cock, and your gut guide your decisions. Mr. Spock from Star Trek always thought problems through and, although he fixed the shit out of some warp drive every now and then, he never got laid. If you can’t make a decision in five seconds or less you’re probably already dead and worst of all still a virgin.

If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem: An Average Guy can solve any real problem by himself. If you can’t solve it by yourself you’re either a pussy or it’s not really a problem. Historical fact: The Korean War would have taken care of itself if we’d just minded our own business.

Determine if you care: From time to time a genuine problem will arise that you just won’t give a shit about. Chances are if it doesn’t involve you directly or at least involve sex, booze, or sports, you probably won’t be interested.

Luke Skywalker -- shut the fuck up.

Figure out how you will benefit from resolving the problem. If you’re not going to benefit from the problem you should have determine that you don’t need to worry about trying to resolve the issue by reading the “Determine if you care” section above but sometimes the benefits will be minimal for resolving a problem or the benefits will be lame as balls so you might as well not waste your time. Historical fact: Luke Skywalker should have just shut his whiny face and gotten those power converters from Tosche Station. He didn’t. And what happened? He spent a shit ton of time in a swamp then his own dad kicked his ass. Is solving this problem going to make you look like a hero, get you free booze, get you laid, or involve smashing or blowing something up? If so solve that shit right away. Is solving the problem going to benefit society, make you look like a nice guy, or make you healthier? Stay away from that shit like you would a shark offering to blow you.            

It’s also important to know what tools to use to help solve the problem at hand. The right tool can make all the difference in problem solving. Construction workers have hammers, businessmen have pens, and hookers have pimps. The following are the tools of the Average Guy.

Duct tape: The muffler just fell off your car? Duct tape that fucker back on. You’re wife won’t shut the fuck up? Duct tape her mouth shut. Just cut off you’re pinky with a ban saw? Duct tape will fix you right up. Red Green has this shit down.

Sir Isaac Newton -- genius, epic boozer.

Booze: Booze can solve just about any problem. Booze can give you the balls to fight that biker at the end of the bar then help you kill the pain of getting shanked by that biker at the end of the bar. Booze can also help you get low enough standards to screw the biker’s old lady to take your revenge. Booze, however, cannot solve the problem of the STD that you’ll probably contract from banging her. Historical fact: Trying to understand the basic principles of the physical universe, Sir Isaac Newton drank a shitload of booze. He didn’t come up with gravity because an apple hit his head; he came up with gravity because he fell down a flight of stairs.

Baseball bat: Baseball bats are perfect for smashing skulls or that goddamned fax machine that keeps jamming up. They’re also useful for hitting baseballs.

Coffee: Coffee is great for keeping you awake so you can drink more booze or be productive at work, if that’s your thing. If coffee isn’t available cocaine is a perfectly acceptable substitute (although significantly more expensive). Coffee can be found just about anywhere but if you can’t find any look for cocaine. Some good places to check for cocaine are inside the anus of a prisoner, anywhere there are strippers, and Tijuana. At no time are we allowed to use meth as a substitute. Meth makes you look like a zombie and Average Guys love killing zombies.

Fire: Fire is one of the most diverse tools the Average Guy can harness. Fire can be used to cook delicious meats, which is great because cooking over an open flame is the only acceptable way for a man to cook. Historical fact: Most of the great chefs of the world – the ones who gave us cold soup – are French. Who the fuck eats cold soup? Put a fire under that bitch. Stupid French. All other food consumed by men should be prepared by women and preferably delivered to him by a woman with large jugs wearing orange short-shorts. The sad fact is that big breasted women aren’t always going to be around to bring you food and being hungry is a huge fucking problem for the Average Guy. Fire is a great tool when the average guy is hungry. Fire is also great to get some time off work. It will take them at least a couple weeks to relocate after you burn your office to the ground. Fire is also perfect for getting rid of witches. Our ancestors knew this and burned witches all the time. If the good folks in Salem taught us one thing it’s that there’s no better way to solve a witch problem than with a good old-fashioned bonfire. Here is a quick list of how to tell if a woman is a witch: 1) She is free thinking. 2) She won’t bring you a beer. 3) She turns people into frogs. If she meets any of these criteria it’s time to start gathering hotdogs for the upcoming weenie roast.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Superheroes

Average Guys love superheroes. Watching a masked vigilante hunt down and pound into submission anyone from a megalomaniacal super villain bent upon world domination, to a two-bit crook who just happened to nab some old lady’s purse on a slow crime day, gives us a feeling of satisfaction – like we did it ourselves. Yeah, we’d all love to be Superman with bullets bouncing off our chest, or the Thing tossing cars at Dr. Doom, but we’re just Average Guys. We don’t have superpowers, unless you call never having to ask for directions a super power. I do, so shut your mouth.

Every guy has wanted to be a superhero at some point in his life. Most of us have never outgrown it. Eventually these heroes change from ones who are invulnerable, to those who can’t think about picking up a bus without worrying about their back. We start respecting superheroes that aren’t so super – Average Guy superheroes. These guys are usually angry and more violent than a war. They help those who need helped and bust the teeth out of everyone else.

Here are the top 10 Average Guy superheroes.

The Top 10 Average Guy superheroes

10. Xena – Warrior Princess: Okay, so Xena, being a princess, is a chick. That’s just fine. Scantly clad, ass-kicking chicks in leather who hang out with hot blonde lesbians are kind of a turn on. In fact, I just got a hard-on writing about it. Besides, anyone who fights gods and occasionally pals around with Bruce Campbell is good enough for me. 

Hulk Rating: Zero. This woman isn’t angry at all. She just loves to beat people up.  Unless she’s on her period, then her Hulk rating is “I’ll see you in a week you crazy bitch.”

9. The Six Million-Dollar Man: “Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him, we have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first Bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.” In 1974, ABC launched a TV program about a seriously injured astronaut the government fitted with $6 million worth of bionic parts and enlisted him as a secret agent. He could run 60 mph and lift a truck with his dick. Today with $6 million the government could fit your arm with nice hook. The show was awesome. The dude fought Russian spies and Bigfoot. Or maybe it was awesome because Austin was played by Lee Majors who banged Farrah Fawcett back in the day when every male in America wanted to bang her. Shit, I should move him up a few spots.

Hulk Rating: Ten percent. He was really angry at first, you know, when he lost his arm and legs, but when he became a secret agent the government paid him too well to be mad. Besides the money, who wouldn’t be happy with a bionic cock? The Six Million-Dollar Man is the one guy who can make the vibrator obsolete. That lucky son of a bitch must have been getting more tail than Wilt Chamberlin.

8. The Hulk: Dr. Bruce Banner was an Average Guy. An Average Guy with a lab coat and a Ph.D., but an Average Guy all the same. When Banner ran into a problem during a lab experiment, he did what every Average Guy would do. He said, “Fuck it. If everyone in here is too big of a pussy to help out, I’ll just take care of this one myself.” Then he accidentally set off a Gamma Ray bomb. The result of this monumental fuck up? Every time Banner gets pissed off he turns into a raging green giant with the strength of Zeus and the common sense of a turnip. What guy wouldn’t want that? The asshole across the street won’t turn off his goddamned music, Hulk smash. The President interrupts the football game to talk about some crisis, Hulk smash the Lincoln Memorial. If the corner convenience store is out of potato chips, Hulk smash Idaho. “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets.” I don’t know if that would be a good superpower for me. I can get pretty fucking mad.

Hulk Rating: One hundred percent. Hey, he IS the Hulk.  Shit, I guess I’d be that pissed too if all stores had in my size were purple pants.

7. Iron Man: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Stark’s richer than Bill Gates, so how’s he an Average Guy? He’s just a regular non-super powered guy who likes Scotch and could buy Madagascar if he had a few too many. And I don’t mean the movie “Madagascar”; I’m talking the whole goddamned country. Terrorists kidnapped Stark and ordered him to build a weapon of mass destruction. He said, “fuck that,” and built a super suit he used to escape his captors and kick some major ass. Back in the Cold War days he killed communists, now he kills terrorists. Hell yeah.

Hulk Rating: Forty-five to 25 percent. Yes, this guy is angry, but since he killed the guys who initially pissed him off, he just randomly gets angry with people who really need their asses kicked.

6. Green Arrow: Oliver Queen is another billionaire like Tony Stark who likes to play dress-up and hurt people. Sounds like an S&M fetish. But Queen is a non-super powered master marksman with a bow and arrow and shoots stuff like arrows with boxing gloves on the end. Who wouldn’t want to have some of those lying around the house when your buddy’s talking shit during a football game? “Hey, Karl.” Whap. “Shut the fuck up.”

Hulk Rating: Twenty-five percent. Okay, so he’s a bit ticked off, but he’s a fucking billionaire. What does he really have to be angry about? Hey, The Batman’s on vacation, let’s go shoot some arrows tipped with dynamite around Gotham City and watch Robin piss himself. That’ll be fun.

5. Wolverine: Wolverine is as close to an Average Guy as a mutant can get. He’s not some raging prick like the X-Men’s Cyclops, or an uptight twat like Jean Grey. He’s a beer-swilling pig who’ll punch you in the face if you need it. The best thing about Wolverine is you always need it. Sure he has super powers, like healing and animal senses, but it’s not like he flaunts it like that pretty boy Flash, running really fast in a flaming red suit. Also, the guy’s skeleton has been fused with the metal alloy adamantium so he has a bitch of a time getting onto a commercial airplane. This makes him grouchy and prone to using deadly force. And Average Guys love deadly force.

Hulk Rating: Sixty-five percent. Would you really like to see this guy angry? He can sprout indestructible metal claws that can rip through your car, your house, a bank vault, the Terminator, and Mount Rushmore, which he might do because he’s Canadian. Big tip: when in a bar, don’t knock your drink over on this guy.

4. Captain America: Back in 1941, government scientists injected Steve Rogers with an experimental serum that turned Rogers into a super soldier who fought Nazis. Dressed in red, white, and blue, Captain America single-handedly kicked Hitler’s ass and pounded the Japanese into defeat. We did not drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 – that was Captain America’s climax as he fucked the entire Japanese Archipelago. And, yes, his climax lasted three days and killed 225,000 people.

Hulk Rating: Thirty-five percent. Not so angry. He just likes killing Germans and conquering the Japanese Empire. Then again, who doesn’t enjoy those things?

3. Spider-Man: Yes, Peter Parker as Spider-Man has super powers, but he’s a Class A dork. Science nerd Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and receives the spider’s abilities – but he’s still a science nerd. He’s awkward with women, awkward with authority, and second-guesses himself. all. the. time. That’s somebody an Average Guy can laugh at … but just to ourselves. As Spider-Man, that dork could kick our ass.

Hulk Rating: Fifteen percent. Spider-Man isn’t an angry guy. Sure, a criminal who Spider-Man decided not to chase killed his Uncle Ben, but that made him more pouty than anything else.

2. The Batman: 1) Let’s get this straight right out of the box. This guy is called THE Batman, not Batman, and you will fucking call him “The Batman.” Also acceptable are “The Dark Knight,” “The World’s Greatest Detective,” “sir,” and “the man who ripped out my liver with his black-gloved fists.” 2) Bruce Wayne is a rich pretty boy without super powers who uses his fortune to fight crime. Hmm. We’ve heard this before. Except this is The Batman who could kick the shit out of Tony Stark and Oliver Queen if they looked at him funny. And, ooohhh, how I’d love for them to look at him funny. Not that I want to see Iron Man and the Green Arrow disabled or killed because then they couldn’t disable or kill others, but it would be a great fight. The Batman is the second most angry superhero in America. As a child he saw his parents killed by a thug in an alley. Why his ultra-rich parents were in an alley at night is a mystery, as is why the thug couldn’t tell that the kid staring up at him with death in his eyes would one day grow up and rip the thug’s spine out through his mouth. The Batman’s the reason even parking ticket offenses are down in Gotham City. He’s that bad assed.

Hulk Rating: Seventy-five percent. Although The Batman is a bitter, brooding man, he does have a sense of humor. That is, if you consider hanging petty criminals upside down by their nuts and allowing neighborhood waifs to use them as a piñata as a sense of humor. If you do, then this guy is hilarious.

However, the first most Average Guy superhero is … 

1. The Punisher: Frank Castle is a guy with no super powers, just like The Batman. So why did I place the Punisher ahead of The Dark Knight? Because Castle is an Average Guy. He was just a normal cop, busting bad guys, minding his own business, banging is wife, and being a good dad. Then some asshole kills his family. Hey, Bruce Wayne, sure, you saw your parents killed when you were a kid, but this guy saw his two kids killed when he was a parent – THAT’S A SERIOUS FUCKING PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE. Not to forget his now-dead wife. She was a choice piece of ass. Although The Batman, like his goody-two-shoes buddy Superman, loathes killing bad guys, that’s what The Punisher does. That’s all the Punisher does. Threats, murder, kidnapping, knuckle-breaking, bitch-slapping, groin-crushing. If you fucked up, you get the whole package. It’s all in a day’s work for an Average Guy like Frank Castle.

Hulk Rating: Whatever’s more than 100 percent, that’s what The Punisher is. This guy’s angry all the time. If this guy were the Hulk, there would be no life left on Earth. He would also kill everyone in the International Space Station just by looking into the sky.

Non-super superhero runner-ups

John Constantine: Occult detective who’s dying but doesn’t give a fuck. And he can cast spells. So he’s like a bad assed Dumbledore but not dead … yet.

Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones swings from bullwhips, shoots Arabs, punches Nazis, touches more religious artifacts than Jesus, and gets laid a lot. If this guy’s not a super hero, he’s at least deserving of a Congressional medal and a whole shitload of high-fives.

Laura Croft: Her tits that defy gravity distract villains of both sexes long enough for her to shoot them in the fucking head. Or dinosaurs. She shoots dinosaurs, too.

MacGyver: This guy is powerless, unless he has a bit of string, a stick of Doublemint, and a Bic pen. With that he just constructed an M-60 machine gun and 400 rounds of ammunition. You’re screwed, asshole.

The Average Guy's Guide to Vacationing

If there’s one thing the Average Guy loves more than getting drunk and banging bad bitches its getting drunk and banging bad bitches in new and exciting places and never having to see them again. Depending on the situation, bumping into someone you bumped uglies with isn’t always a bad thing. There’s always a chance you could see something surprisingly fuckable you vaguely remember banging in the bathroom of Chuck E. Cheese’s standing in the grocery store and give “clean up in aisle three” a whole new meaning.  You could also head over to the produce isle with her and finally put an end to the banana vs. cucumber debate and there are all sorts of other interesting possibilities in the hot dog and frozen treats sections. While finally solving the banana/cucumber/bratwurst/bomb pop/turkey baster debate is tempting, the bad bitch you hooked up with six months ago could come up on you looking like Octomom before she crapped out eight kids. You don’t need that happening when you’re trying to decide between Cap’n Crunch or Cookie Crisp.

While you’re still going to bang randoms at home you can minimize your chance of finding out you fathered a child with something that, when sober looks like a goat, by hooking up while on vacation. Of course there are other activities you’ll partake in while on vacation, but mostly we’re talking about getting drunk and spreading gravy. Here are some of the best locations for a man-cation.

 Las Vegas

            Vegas is an obvious choice for many reasons. Prostitution is legal in Nevada – although not within the Vegas city limits – so if you’re no good at picking up skanks you can pay for it. Of course, you shouldn’t have to. Vegas’ well-known slogan is “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” but it should be “Sluts Come to Vegas to Get Dick.” You’ll find plenty of women ready to whore it up and the drinks are free. There’s plenty of gambling to be done so who knows you could end up getting to go on vacation for free if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, then you’ll come home broke with Chlamydia.

New Orleans

            New Orleans (AKA Atlantis) is home to some of the greatest strip clubs in the civilized world. There’s Hustler’s Barely Legal club that employs only 18 year olds (God bless their skanky souls), there’s a strip club that advertises “live sex acts” which basically means people bang on stage, and many other establishments of cultural importance. You know, like museums but with loud music and whores. One warning about strip clubs – you won’t see snatch. Some bullshit law in New Orleans says Pooh can’t show her Honey Pot (but, for some reason, it’s okay to bang on stage). Hey, at least it’s not like that bullshit new law that just passed in Missouri which turned strip clubs into 3D Victoria’s Secret magazines featuring meth addicted mothers of three.

There’s more than strip clubs galore in New Orleans. Due to the stunning combination of Southern charm, French culture, and rampant alcoholism, you can legally walk out of a bar with your drink. So you can walk into a dive, buy a cheap drink, then walk into a joint with chicks dancing on poles where a glass of booze costs more than a car battery. New Orleans also is also the Mecca of flashing for beads so you’re bound to see plenty of tits. And for our friendly Muslim readers I just offended by putting the words “Mecca” and “tits” in the same sentence, I don’t give a shit. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. There, I did it again. I bet at any good Muslim strip joint you can see some really good ankle.  This blog is now one of the top 10 targets in America for a terrorist attack.

Mexico

            Mexico is great because everything is really cheap compared to being in the States. This means you can get more fucked up than Hunter S. Thompson for half the price. While the resort cities like Cancun and Cabo San Lucus are nice, you can get into a lot more shit if you go to a border town like Tijuana. Lets be honest, you’re going to the donkey show one way or another. You might go out of curiosity or you might go because seeing someone you hope you never wake up next to get fucked by a donkey makes you happy in the pants. You’ll probably end up having nightmares about it but when the little old lady at your office who refuses to retire asks you what you did on your vacation you’ll pretty much guarantee that she stays the fuck out of your business when you explain in graphic details of what its like to see human and animal genitalia collide.

Amsterdam

            This one should really be self-explanatory. They sell weed there openly to anyone. You don’t even have to pay some shady doctor money to get a card, they just fucking sell it to you on the spot. Don’t worry about packing clothes. Just bring your favorite smoking device, plenty of Funyons, and your Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD box set because God only knows if you can get Funyons in Europe and if Aqua Teen is even on TV it will probably not be in English (I did get so high one time I knew how to speak Korean for several hours, but that’s another story). Like Nevada the hookers here are legal so smoke a fatty and enjoy your vacation by not fucking a fatty.

Any popular spring break destination

            Spring break is basically just college girl for “fuck random strangers.” If this isn’t a good enough reason for you to take a vacation in the spring you really shouldn’t be taking my advice on where to vacation.

Alaska

            Okay, you probably don’t want to poke an Eskimo and you’re not going to find a lot of partying going on in Alaska, but where else are you going to get a chance to fight a grizzly bear? Grizzly bear fighting is the ultimate way to prove your badassness. Here are some quick rules to fighting grizzly bears.

1.      No guns. No bows. No crossbows. Nothing to give you an unfair advantage over the bear. You’ve been through a lot more evolution than the bear has, so act like a man.

2.      Grow a beard before the fight. You’re going to need it if you want to have a chance at survival. It’s a scientific fact beards make you tougher than an M1 Abrams tank.

3.      Don’t play dead. That shit is for cowards and opossums. If you’ve decided to fight a grizzly bear you’re either not a coward or just stumbled on some hairy shit in the woods and wondered what it would be like to fuck a Bigfoot; if you’re a opossum you’re basically just a giant rat but I’d like to meet you because I’ve always wanted to meet a opossum that can read.

4.      If your name is Lance or Terrance don’t bother trying to fight a fucking bear. Sorry but your name makes you a pussy. If your name is Joe, Bill, Cutthroat, or, hell, even SpongeBob, you stand a much better chance of killing a bear than Lance. Lance? Seriously?

Enjoy your trip.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Family Dinners

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