The Average Guy’s Guide to Problem Solving

Vanilla Ice -- solvin' some problems.

In the words of Vanilla Ice “If there’s a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.” While women may be the fairer sex they turn to men to solve their problems – don’t argue with this shit. Women complain. Men solve problems. Throughout history there have been uncountable instances of men solving problems that women could only complain about. Take this transcript of the conversation that led to Abraham Lincoln freeing the fuck out of some slaves.

Historical fact

Mary Lincoln: Abe, I really don’t like people having slaves and I’m on my period.

Abraham Lincoln: Calm your ass, woman. I got this.

As we all know Abraham Lincoln then took his righteous beard and dominated the balls off some hillbilly cornbread-eating assholes who thought they could own their fellow human beings. He also tried to make women stop bleeding out their crotch, but Duct tape hadn’t been invented. While Average Guys can’t be president it’s a well-known fact that Abe followed the doctrine of the Average Guy when it came to solving problems. Follow these guidelines for problems solving and you’ll have fewer problems than a woman with an unwanted pregnancy walking into Planned Parenthood.

Ben Franklin -- lady's man.

Identify if it’s your problem: A guy getting his ass kicked by another guy is not your problem. A chick getting her ass kick by a guy is your problem. A chick getting her ass kicked by another chick is not your problem but you might want to go to your car and get that kiddy pool and those industrial sizes bottles of lube you’ve been saving for occasions such as this. Historical fact: Benjamin Franklin always kept a kiddy pool and industrial-sized bottles of lube in his car. And Ben got laid, a lot.

Don’t think it through: Nothing good will come from thinking through a problem. Let your rage, your cock, and your gut guide your decisions. Mr. Spock from Star Trek always thought problems through and, although he fixed the shit out of some warp drive every now and then, he never got laid. If you can’t make a decision in five seconds or less you’re probably already dead and worst of all still a virgin.

If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem: An Average Guy can solve any real problem by himself. If you can’t solve it by yourself you’re either a pussy or it’s not really a problem. Historical fact: The Korean War would have taken care of itself if we’d just minded our own business.

Determine if you care: From time to time a genuine problem will arise that you just won’t give a shit about. Chances are if it doesn’t involve you directly or at least involve sex, booze, or sports, you probably won’t be interested.

Luke Skywalker -- shut the fuck up.

Figure out how you will benefit from resolving the problem. If you’re not going to benefit from the problem you should have determine that you don’t need to worry about trying to resolve the issue by reading the “Determine if you care” section above but sometimes the benefits will be minimal for resolving a problem or the benefits will be lame as balls so you might as well not waste your time. Historical fact: Luke Skywalker should have just shut his whiny face and gotten those power converters from Tosche Station. He didn’t. And what happened? He spent a shit ton of time in a swamp then his own dad kicked his ass. Is solving this problem going to make you look like a hero, get you free booze, get you laid, or involve smashing or blowing something up? If so solve that shit right away. Is solving the problem going to benefit society, make you look like a nice guy, or make you healthier? Stay away from that shit like you would a shark offering to blow you.            

It’s also important to know what tools to use to help solve the problem at hand. The right tool can make all the difference in problem solving. Construction workers have hammers, businessmen have pens, and hookers have pimps. The following are the tools of the Average Guy.

Duct tape: The muffler just fell off your car? Duct tape that fucker back on. You’re wife won’t shut the fuck up? Duct tape her mouth shut. Just cut off you’re pinky with a ban saw? Duct tape will fix you right up. Red Green has this shit down.

Sir Isaac Newton -- genius, epic boozer.

Booze: Booze can solve just about any problem. Booze can give you the balls to fight that biker at the end of the bar then help you kill the pain of getting shanked by that biker at the end of the bar. Booze can also help you get low enough standards to screw the biker’s old lady to take your revenge. Booze, however, cannot solve the problem of the STD that you’ll probably contract from banging her. Historical fact: Trying to understand the basic principles of the physical universe, Sir Isaac Newton drank a shitload of booze. He didn’t come up with gravity because an apple hit his head; he came up with gravity because he fell down a flight of stairs.

Baseball bat: Baseball bats are perfect for smashing skulls or that goddamned fax machine that keeps jamming up. They’re also useful for hitting baseballs.

Coffee: Coffee is great for keeping you awake so you can drink more booze or be productive at work, if that’s your thing. If coffee isn’t available cocaine is a perfectly acceptable substitute (although significantly more expensive). Coffee can be found just about anywhere but if you can’t find any look for cocaine. Some good places to check for cocaine are inside the anus of a prisoner, anywhere there are strippers, and Tijuana. At no time are we allowed to use meth as a substitute. Meth makes you look like a zombie and Average Guys love killing zombies.

Fire: Fire is one of the most diverse tools the Average Guy can harness. Fire can be used to cook delicious meats, which is great because cooking over an open flame is the only acceptable way for a man to cook. Historical fact: Most of the great chefs of the world – the ones who gave us cold soup – are French. Who the fuck eats cold soup? Put a fire under that bitch. Stupid French. All other food consumed by men should be prepared by women and preferably delivered to him by a woman with large jugs wearing orange short-shorts. The sad fact is that big breasted women aren’t always going to be around to bring you food and being hungry is a huge fucking problem for the Average Guy. Fire is a great tool when the average guy is hungry. Fire is also great to get some time off work. It will take them at least a couple weeks to relocate after you burn your office to the ground. Fire is also perfect for getting rid of witches. Our ancestors knew this and burned witches all the time. If the good folks in Salem taught us one thing it’s that there’s no better way to solve a witch problem than with a good old-fashioned bonfire. Here is a quick list of how to tell if a woman is a witch: 1) She is free thinking. 2) She won’t bring you a beer. 3) She turns people into frogs. If she meets any of these criteria it’s time to start gathering hotdogs for the upcoming weenie roast.