The Average Guy's Guide to Vacationing

If there’s one thing the Average Guy loves more than getting drunk and banging bad bitches its getting drunk and banging bad bitches in new and exciting places and never having to see them again. Depending on the situation, bumping into someone you bumped uglies with isn’t always a bad thing. There’s always a chance you could see something surprisingly fuckable you vaguely remember banging in the bathroom of Chuck E. Cheese’s standing in the grocery store and give “clean up in aisle three” a whole new meaning.  You could also head over to the produce isle with her and finally put an end to the banana vs. cucumber debate and there are all sorts of other interesting possibilities in the hot dog and frozen treats sections. While finally solving the banana/cucumber/bratwurst/bomb pop/turkey baster debate is tempting, the bad bitch you hooked up with six months ago could come up on you looking like Octomom before she crapped out eight kids. You don’t need that happening when you’re trying to decide between Cap’n Crunch or Cookie Crisp.

While you’re still going to bang randoms at home you can minimize your chance of finding out you fathered a child with something that, when sober looks like a goat, by hooking up while on vacation. Of course there are other activities you’ll partake in while on vacation, but mostly we’re talking about getting drunk and spreading gravy. Here are some of the best locations for a man-cation.

 Las Vegas

            Vegas is an obvious choice for many reasons. Prostitution is legal in Nevada – although not within the Vegas city limits – so if you’re no good at picking up skanks you can pay for it. Of course, you shouldn’t have to. Vegas’ well-known slogan is “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” but it should be “Sluts Come to Vegas to Get Dick.” You’ll find plenty of women ready to whore it up and the drinks are free. There’s plenty of gambling to be done so who knows you could end up getting to go on vacation for free if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, then you’ll come home broke with Chlamydia.

New Orleans

            New Orleans (AKA Atlantis) is home to some of the greatest strip clubs in the civilized world. There’s Hustler’s Barely Legal club that employs only 18 year olds (God bless their skanky souls), there’s a strip club that advertises “live sex acts” which basically means people bang on stage, and many other establishments of cultural importance. You know, like museums but with loud music and whores. One warning about strip clubs – you won’t see snatch. Some bullshit law in New Orleans says Pooh can’t show her Honey Pot (but, for some reason, it’s okay to bang on stage). Hey, at least it’s not like that bullshit new law that just passed in Missouri which turned strip clubs into 3D Victoria’s Secret magazines featuring meth addicted mothers of three.

There’s more than strip clubs galore in New Orleans. Due to the stunning combination of Southern charm, French culture, and rampant alcoholism, you can legally walk out of a bar with your drink. So you can walk into a dive, buy a cheap drink, then walk into a joint with chicks dancing on poles where a glass of booze costs more than a car battery. New Orleans also is also the Mecca of flashing for beads so you’re bound to see plenty of tits. And for our friendly Muslim readers I just offended by putting the words “Mecca” and “tits” in the same sentence, I don’t give a shit. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. Mecca, tits. There, I did it again. I bet at any good Muslim strip joint you can see some really good ankle.  This blog is now one of the top 10 targets in America for a terrorist attack.

Mexico

            Mexico is great because everything is really cheap compared to being in the States. This means you can get more fucked up than Hunter S. Thompson for half the price. While the resort cities like Cancun and Cabo San Lucus are nice, you can get into a lot more shit if you go to a border town like Tijuana. Lets be honest, you’re going to the donkey show one way or another. You might go out of curiosity or you might go because seeing someone you hope you never wake up next to get fucked by a donkey makes you happy in the pants. You’ll probably end up having nightmares about it but when the little old lady at your office who refuses to retire asks you what you did on your vacation you’ll pretty much guarantee that she stays the fuck out of your business when you explain in graphic details of what its like to see human and animal genitalia collide.

Amsterdam

            This one should really be self-explanatory. They sell weed there openly to anyone. You don’t even have to pay some shady doctor money to get a card, they just fucking sell it to you on the spot. Don’t worry about packing clothes. Just bring your favorite smoking device, plenty of Funyons, and your Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD box set because God only knows if you can get Funyons in Europe and if Aqua Teen is even on TV it will probably not be in English (I did get so high one time I knew how to speak Korean for several hours, but that’s another story). Like Nevada the hookers here are legal so smoke a fatty and enjoy your vacation by not fucking a fatty.

Any popular spring break destination

            Spring break is basically just college girl for “fuck random strangers.” If this isn’t a good enough reason for you to take a vacation in the spring you really shouldn’t be taking my advice on where to vacation.

Alaska

            Okay, you probably don’t want to poke an Eskimo and you’re not going to find a lot of partying going on in Alaska, but where else are you going to get a chance to fight a grizzly bear? Grizzly bear fighting is the ultimate way to prove your badassness. Here are some quick rules to fighting grizzly bears.

1.      No guns. No bows. No crossbows. Nothing to give you an unfair advantage over the bear. You’ve been through a lot more evolution than the bear has, so act like a man.

2.      Grow a beard before the fight. You’re going to need it if you want to have a chance at survival. It’s a scientific fact beards make you tougher than an M1 Abrams tank.

3.      Don’t play dead. That shit is for cowards and opossums. If you’ve decided to fight a grizzly bear you’re either not a coward or just stumbled on some hairy shit in the woods and wondered what it would be like to fuck a Bigfoot; if you’re a opossum you’re basically just a giant rat but I’d like to meet you because I’ve always wanted to meet a opossum that can read.

4.      If your name is Lance or Terrance don’t bother trying to fight a fucking bear. Sorry but your name makes you a pussy. If your name is Joe, Bill, Cutthroat, or, hell, even SpongeBob, you stand a much better chance of killing a bear than Lance. Lance? Seriously?

Enjoy your trip.