The Average Guy used to do productive shit in his free time at the request of his female companion. “Honey I really think the kitchen needs remodeled” or “Baby could you go rake the leaves.” Then one day God was like “Fuck that” and he made video games (Timothy 2:11-15). God said “These hoes be trifling. Thou shall take your ass into the kitchen and make your man a sandwich and not complain about the fucking color of the counter tops on which it is prepared and I put those leaves on the ground for a reason. Let them be. For fuck’s sake, men gave you bitches a rib, show some respect.” Then God zapped down some video games and got totally baked with his homeboys and played Mario.
From that day on we, as men, have been rocking video games until our thumbs are blistered and our eyes are dryer than Ellen DeGeneres’ vagina at a Chipendale’s show. So honor thy lord and thy video games and obey the following commandments of video games.
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| If you think there's a better way to spend a weekend than this you're wrong. |
1. Thou shall be thy bad guy
It used to be that you could only be the good guy in video games which was cool, but now you can be the bad guy which is great. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to be a good guy without consequence and in a lot of situations you’ll even get rewarded for good deeds. Unfortunately, we don’t get very many opportunities to roam down the street with a submachine gun mowing down everybody Grand Theft Auto style without going to prison. Take advantage of the opportunity that video games present the Average Guy to satisfy his murderous rage.
2. Thou shall play games with nudity
Let’s just be honest here. Before video games had nudity we were all dying to see Princess Toadstool’s 8-bit titties. I mean if a couple of Average Guy plumbers were willing to battle a giant fucking dragon-turtle thing that breathes fire just to rescue some bitch you know that must have been a fine piece of ass. Now that video games have nudity you should take full advantage.
3. Thou shall honor thy ancestors
Just because the graphics in games are so good now they look better than real life doesn’t mean that the old school shit isn’t good. Honor the games that paved the way for the video games of today. There are tons of websites where you can play old school games online, which is way better than actually working while you’re at work. Playing old school video games is kind of like fucking a cougar. She might not be the newest model but the end result can still be just as satisfying. Just try a little Ryne Sandberg’s Bases Loaded Baseball and you’ll see what I mean.
4. Honor thy woman that plays video games
If a girl is a gamer she is automatically elevated to higher status than non-gamers. Female gamers (while on the rise) are few and far between. Just imagine not getting bitched at because she wants you to get off the sticks and go cut the grass. Speaking of grass…
5. Thou shall get stoned and play video games
If you need this explained to you you’ve obviously never experience how good it can feel to get baked and play video games all day. Plus it helps you go into full slacker mode which is pretty important if you’re going to dedicate a lot of time to gaming. The only down side will be that your controller will be covered in a coat of orange grease from all Doritos you’re going to eat.
6. Run up thy score
When it comes to video games goods sportsmanship is out the window. Run up the score. If you’re beating someone’s ass in Madden try to pull off some trick plays or see if you can break a hundred points. Then call him a pussy and bang his mom. Hey, he’d do the same thing to you. If you’re destroying someone in Mortal Combat go for a flawless victory then go for the finishing move where you blow your load on his girlfriend’s face while he stands helplessly by.
7. Thou shall not be “that guy” while playing online
If you’re playing a game online there is always somebody who is “that guy.” He might be some douche running around using nothing but a grenade launcher. He could be the guy breathing heavily into his headset the entire game so all you can hear is his fat ass working up a sweat while he plays Call of Duty. He might be the guy who throws a fit every time he gets killed. It’s just a fucking video game douche.
8. Thou shall visit the arcade
There’s a reason places like Dave and Buster’s exists. Arcades are badass. Mix in booze and food and you’ve got the ingredients for a great time. There’s nothing better than dominating the claw machine after you watch a little kid fail again and again and then pull out the exact toy he spent hours trying to grab out of the machine. Suck on that bitch face. Arcades are also great because you can play tiny hoops and skee ball. Fuck yeah.
9. Thou shall be thy home team on sports games
It doesn’t make a shit if you’re a Royals fan playing a MLB game or a Lions fan playing a NFL game. You’re always the team you root for in real life. Real gamers find a way to win with their favorite team from real life. The only exception to the rule is if you’re team is really good on the video game and you’re playing someone who sucks dick at the game, in which case you can choose a team that is worse than your team so you can talk even more shit after you beat your opponents ass.
10. Thou shall play video games in your underwear
Unless you’re playing video games with another guy, you’re expected to play video games in a pair of boxer shorts with the boys dangling. And if somebody knocks on your door, don’t put on pants to answer it. Hell, it’s your place; anyone knocking on your door should know you’re playing video games in your underwear. If the person knocking on your door is a Jehovah’s Witness, or some shit like that, make sure your flap’s open and invite them in for a beer and to play Left4Dead.
Follow these commandments and God’s glory will shine upon thy controller.
Amen.
