If there’s one thing an Average Guy likes, it’s getting bombed out of his freaking mind. Seriously, what would an Average Guy rather do on a Friday night:
1) Eat microwave corn dogs and watch “CSI: Wherethefuck” with his mom.
2) Have freaky sex with some random chick you met in a biker bar who, in an unexpected move, wants to cuddle the rest of the night.
3) Play Dungeon and Dragons.
4) Get shit-drunk with your buddies.
No.1? Microwave corndogs are almost as awesome as blowjobs but, watching CSI with your mom? Lame.
Although, No. 2 sounds appealing on the surface, chicks like to cuddle after sex – even freaky sex. After sex – and I mean right after sex – guys can only think of two things, grabbing a sandwich, and getting the hell away from you. Cuddling is an emotional attachment. The only things guys have an emotional attachment to are their car, beer, Slim Jims, and their dog. And you know what? We’re not going to stuff any of them like a Thanksgiving turkey. Sometimes a guy can’t resist the cuddle temptation, mainly because the chick you just had freaky sex with is so freaky she might knife you if you don’t cradle her.
No. 3: Dungeons and Dragons? Although surprisingly less nerdy than watching “CSI” with your mom, and quite a bit less of a cutting risk than your date with Sydney the Destroyer, spending the night with a bunch of pimple-infested male virgins giggling over the boob picture of a mermaid in the “Dungeon Master’s Guide” (page 180 for all you nerds out there) isn’t nearly as normal, or as fun, as:
No. 4: getting shit drunk with your buddies.
Getting shit drunk with your buddies is the time-honored way of spending any night of the week, even when you’re married. If you’ve married anyone worth a shit, when the nuptial newness wears off your wife will encourage you to go get shit drunk with your buddies because, 1) she knows you enjoy it, 2) to just get you the hell out of the house, 3) She knows that if you get drunk at your house you will probably shit on the floor, break a window and/or drunk dial every male contact in her cell phone and threaten them with violence for “trying to move in on your woman.” and, 4) Even your wife understands nothing is more important to a guy than spending hours with other guys talking about football, college girl’s tits, beef jerky, cheerleaders, cars we used to drive, country singers we’d like to bang, and what we’d do if we were James Bond/James T. Kirk/Al Bundy.
What’s the best way to get shit drunk with your buddies? Drinking games. The beauty of a drinking game is you’re going to get drunk anyway, so why not squeeze as much fun out of it as possible? Betting on when Miley Cyrus is going to turn into Lindsay Lohan is fun, but the payoff might take a couple of years. You need something more immediate that won’t take you off the couch. That’s when we turn to television. TV brought us Walter Cronkite, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mayes, and if you use it correctly, will also bring you blissful drooling and incontinence. To formulate any TV-based drinking game, you need to 1) pick a program all drinking game participants agree on, 2) formulate a set of rules based on drink-to-catchphrase ratio, and 3) get fucked up. The fun is picking the right program. In order to have a successful, laughing, farting, potentially vomiting, drinking game, the program needs to be predictable. Nothing’s better than cartoons. Let’s fuck with Disney.
The “Phineas and Ferb” Drinking Game
Rules
1) Before starting the game, every player chooses an equal number of primary, secondary and tertiary characters that will determine the number of drinks they take for each character’s appearance during the show. Random determination is best. Pull names from a hat, roll dice (if you have a 10-sided dice – and I know some of you dorks do … I do), or fight over them. Whatever.
2) While watching the show, players take drinks depending on the appearance of the characters they drew, the catchphrases used, and typical situations. For example: If you’re unlucky enough to draw the entire Doofenshmirtz clan, an episode with Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz (one drink per appearance), daughter Vanessa (three drinks per appearance), ex-wife Charlene (three drinks per appearance) and brother Roger Doofenshmirtz (three drinks per appearance) might put you in the hospital. Coupled with a few “Perry the Platypus,” “Busted,” “Tri-State Area,” and “_____inator” lines of dialogue, you might die.
3) Depending on the stamina of the participants, it might be advisable to dial 9-1 and keep the line open until the end of the game.
Primary Characters – one drink
 |
| Phineas |
Ferb
Candace
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
Major Monogram
Perry the Platypus
Mom
Isabella
Secondary Characters – two drinks
 |
| Jeremy |
Jeremy
Baljeet
Dad
Karl
Buford
 |
| Baljeet |
Stacy
Tertiary Characters – three drinks
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz (I have to interject here. Is it wrong to get an erection from a Disney teenage cartoon character? I’m just asking. Don’t judge me.)
 |
| A quick search on Google Images reveals I’m not the only one that Disney gives a hard on. This was actually one of the more PG-13 pictures. That’s right, there’s Phineas and Ferb porn out there. |
Little Suzy
Grandma Winnie
Grandpa Reg
Charlene Doofenshmirtz
Norm
Irving
Grandpa Clyde
Albert
Roger Doofenshmirtz
The band Love Handel (or any member thereof)
Characters we hardly ever fucking see – four drinks
 |
| Doofenshmirtz's Parents |
Doofenshmirtz’s parents
Agent W
Isabella’s dog Pinky
Buford’s goldfish Biff
Vanessa’s punk boyfriend John
Candice’s hippy friend Jenny
 |
| Agent W |
Catchphrases/Situations – one drink
“Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today.”
“Where’s Perry?”
“Bust/busted.”
Candice calls Mom.
Candice mentions Jeremy.
“Ah, Perry the Platypus.”
________inator.
“Curse you Perry the Platypus.”
“Agent P.”
Major Monogram mentions Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
Perry puts on a hat.
Perry chatters.
Perry gets caught in a trap.
Perry and Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz get in a fight.
“Tri-State Area.”
Phineas and Ferb’s invention disappears.
Musical number.
Two drinks
“Whatcha doin?”
Ferb says anything (singing doesn’t count).
Buford says something violent.
Baljeet says something nerdy.
Candice fawns over Jeremy.
Candice sees something incriminating to her brothers but she can’t make her mother turn around to see it.
Fireside Girls.
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz tries to prove to her mother Heinz is an evil mad scientist.
Three drinks
Mr. Slushy Burger.
Obscure Fireside Girls Patch.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz’s issues with his parents.
“Aren’t you a little young/old to …”
Carl screws up the video.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz tries to bond with daughter Vanessa.
Four drinks
“Lindana” song
“Gitchie Gitchie Goo” song
Chug that fucker
Gimmelshtump, Druelselstein.
Major Monogram’s wig/lack of hair.
Conclusion
I was going to include all the contact information for various 12-step programs that have proven successful in rehabilitating Phineas and Ferb Drinking Game participants, but who the fuck wants to stop drinking?
Ready to play again?
 |
| Shut up and drink |
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