Average Guys love superheroes. Watching a masked vigilante hunt down and pound into submission anyone from a megalomaniacal super villain bent upon world domination, to a two-bit crook who just happened to nab some old lady’s purse on a slow crime day, gives us a feeling of satisfaction – like we did it ourselves. Yeah, we’d all love to be Superman with bullets bouncing off our chest, or the Thing tossing cars at Dr. Doom, but we’re just Average Guys. We don’t have superpowers, unless you call never having to ask for directions a super power. I do, so shut your mouth.
Every guy has wanted to be a superhero at some point in his life. Most of us have never outgrown it. Eventually these heroes change from ones who are invulnerable, to those who can’t think about picking up a bus without worrying about their back. We start respecting superheroes that aren’t so super – Average Guy superheroes. These guys are usually angry and more violent than a war. They help those who need helped and bust the teeth out of everyone else.
Here are the top 10 Average Guy superheroes.
The Top 10 Average Guy superheroes
10. Xena – Warrior Princess: Okay, so Xena, being a princess, is a chick. That’s just fine. Scantly clad, ass-kicking chicks in leather who hang out with hot blonde lesbians are kind of a turn on. In fact, I just got a hard-on writing about it. Besides, anyone who fights gods and occasionally pals around with Bruce Campbell is good enough for me.
Hulk Rating: Zero. This woman isn’t angry at all. She just loves to beat people up. Unless she’s on her period, then her Hulk rating is “I’ll see you in a week you crazy bitch.”
9. The Six Million-Dollar Man: “Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him, we have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first Bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.” In 1974, ABC launched a TV program about a seriously injured astronaut the government fitted with $6 million worth of bionic parts and enlisted him as a secret agent. He could run 60 mph and lift a truck with his dick. Today with $6 million the government could fit your arm with nice hook. The show was awesome. The dude fought Russian spies and Bigfoot. Or maybe it was awesome because Austin was played by Lee Majors who banged Farrah Fawcett back in the day when every male in America wanted to bang her. Shit, I should move him up a few spots.
Hulk Rating: Ten percent. He was really angry at first, you know, when he lost his arm and legs, but when he became a secret agent the government paid him too well to be mad. Besides the money, who wouldn’t be happy with a bionic cock? The Six Million-Dollar Man is the one guy who can make the vibrator obsolete. That lucky son of a bitch must have been getting more tail than Wilt Chamberlin.
8. The Hulk: Dr. Bruce Banner was an Average Guy. An Average Guy with a lab coat and a Ph.D., but an Average Guy all the same. When Banner ran into a problem during a lab experiment, he did what every Average Guy would do. He said, “Fuck it. If everyone in here is too big of a pussy to help out, I’ll just take care of this one myself.” Then he accidentally set off a Gamma Ray bomb. The result of this monumental fuck up? Every time Banner gets pissed off he turns into a raging green giant with the strength of Zeus and the common sense of a turnip. What guy wouldn’t want that? The asshole across the street won’t turn off his goddamned music, Hulk smash. The President interrupts the football game to talk about some crisis, Hulk smash the Lincoln Memorial. If the corner convenience store is out of potato chips, Hulk smash Idaho. “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets.” I don’t know if that would be a good superpower for me. I can get pretty fucking mad.
Hulk Rating: One hundred percent. Hey, he IS the Hulk. Shit, I guess I’d be that pissed too if all stores had in my size were purple pants.
7. Iron Man: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Stark’s richer than Bill Gates, so how’s he an Average Guy? He’s just a regular non-super powered guy who likes Scotch and could buy Madagascar if he had a few too many. And I don’t mean the movie “Madagascar”; I’m talking the whole goddamned country. Terrorists kidnapped Stark and ordered him to build a weapon of mass destruction. He said, “fuck that,” and built a super suit he used to escape his captors and kick some major ass. Back in the Cold War days he killed communists, now he kills terrorists. Hell yeah.
Hulk Rating: Forty-five to 25 percent. Yes, this guy is angry, but since he killed the guys who initially pissed him off, he just randomly gets angry with people who really need their asses kicked.
6. Green Arrow: Oliver Queen is another billionaire like Tony Stark who likes to play dress-up and hurt people. Sounds like an S&M fetish. But Queen is a non-super powered master marksman with a bow and arrow and shoots stuff like arrows with boxing gloves on the end. Who wouldn’t want to have some of those lying around the house when your buddy’s talking shit during a football game? “Hey, Karl.” Whap. “Shut the fuck up.”
Hulk Rating: Twenty-five percent. Okay, so he’s a bit ticked off, but he’s a fucking billionaire. What does he really have to be angry about? Hey, The Batman’s on vacation, let’s go shoot some arrows tipped with dynamite around Gotham City and watch Robin piss himself. That’ll be fun.
5. Wolverine: Wolverine is as close to an Average Guy as a mutant can get. He’s not some raging prick like the X-Men’s Cyclops, or an uptight twat like Jean Grey. He’s a beer-swilling pig who’ll punch you in the face if you need it. The best thing about Wolverine is you always need it. Sure he has super powers, like healing and animal senses, but it’s not like he flaunts it like that pretty boy Flash, running really fast in a flaming red suit. Also, the guy’s skeleton has been fused with the metal alloy adamantium so he has a bitch of a time getting onto a commercial airplane. This makes him grouchy and prone to using deadly force. And Average Guys love deadly force.
Hulk Rating: Sixty-five percent. Would you really like to see this guy angry? He can sprout indestructible metal claws that can rip through your car, your house, a bank vault, the Terminator, and Mount Rushmore, which he might do because he’s Canadian. Big tip: when in a bar, don’t knock your drink over on this guy.
4. Captain America: Back in 1941, government scientists injected Steve Rogers with an experimental serum that turned Rogers into a super soldier who fought Nazis. Dressed in red, white, and blue, Captain America single-handedly kicked Hitler’s ass and pounded the Japanese into defeat. We did not drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 – that was Captain America’s climax as he fucked the entire Japanese Archipelago. And, yes, his climax lasted three days and killed 225,000 people.
Hulk Rating: Thirty-five percent. Not so angry. He just likes killing Germans and conquering the Japanese Empire. Then again, who doesn’t enjoy those things?
3. Spider-Man: Yes, Peter Parker as Spider-Man has super powers, but he’s a Class A dork. Science nerd Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and receives the spider’s abilities – but he’s still a science nerd. He’s awkward with women, awkward with authority, and second-guesses himself. all. the. time. That’s somebody an Average Guy can laugh at … but just to ourselves. As Spider-Man, that dork could kick our ass.
Hulk Rating: Fifteen percent. Spider-Man isn’t an angry guy. Sure, a criminal who Spider-Man decided not to chase killed his Uncle Ben, but that made him more pouty than anything else.
2. The Batman: 1) Let’s get this straight right out of the box. This guy is called THE Batman, not Batman, and you will fucking call him “The Batman.” Also acceptable are “The Dark Knight,” “The World’s Greatest Detective,” “sir,” and “the man who ripped out my liver with his black-gloved fists.” 2) Bruce Wayne is a rich pretty boy without super powers who uses his fortune to fight crime. Hmm. We’ve heard this before. Except this is The Batman who could kick the shit out of Tony Stark and Oliver Queen if they looked at him funny. And, ooohhh, how I’d love for them to look at him funny. Not that I want to see Iron Man and the Green Arrow disabled or killed because then they couldn’t disable or kill others, but it would be a great fight. The Batman is the second most angry superhero in America. As a child he saw his parents killed by a thug in an alley. Why his ultra-rich parents were in an alley at night is a mystery, as is why the thug couldn’t tell that the kid staring up at him with death in his eyes would one day grow up and rip the thug’s spine out through his mouth. The Batman’s the reason even parking ticket offenses are down in Gotham City. He’s that bad assed.
Hulk Rating: Seventy-five percent. Although The Batman is a bitter, brooding man, he does have a sense of humor. That is, if you consider hanging petty criminals upside down by their nuts and allowing neighborhood waifs to use them as a piñata as a sense of humor. If you do, then this guy is hilarious.
However, the first most Average Guy superhero is …
1. The Punisher: Frank Castle is a guy with no super powers, just like The Batman. So why did I place the Punisher ahead of The Dark Knight? Because Castle is an Average Guy. He was just a normal cop, busting bad guys, minding his own business, banging is wife, and being a good dad. Then some asshole kills his family. Hey, Bruce Wayne, sure, you saw your parents killed when you were a kid, but this guy saw his two kids killed when he was a parent – THAT’S A SERIOUS FUCKING PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE. Not to forget his now-dead wife. She was a choice piece of ass. Although The Batman, like his goody-two-shoes buddy Superman, loathes killing bad guys, that’s what The Punisher does. That’s all the Punisher does. Threats, murder, kidnapping, knuckle-breaking, bitch-slapping, groin-crushing. If you fucked up, you get the whole package. It’s all in a day’s work for an Average Guy like Frank Castle.
Hulk Rating: Whatever’s more than 100 percent, that’s what The Punisher is. This guy’s angry all the time. If this guy were the Hulk, there would be no life left on Earth. He would also kill everyone in the International Space Station just by looking into the sky.
Non-super superhero runner-ups
John Constantine: Occult detective who’s dying but doesn’t give a fuck. And he can cast spells. So he’s like a bad assed Dumbledore but not dead … yet.
Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones swings from bullwhips, shoots Arabs, punches Nazis, touches more religious artifacts than Jesus, and gets laid a lot. If this guy’s not a super hero, he’s at least deserving of a Congressional medal and a whole shitload of high-fives.
Laura Croft: Her tits that defy gravity distract villains of both sexes long enough for her to shoot them in the fucking head. Or dinosaurs. She shoots dinosaurs, too.
MacGyver: This guy is powerless, unless he has a bit of string, a stick of Doublemint, and a Bic pen. With that he just constructed an M-60 machine gun and 400 rounds of ammunition. You’re screwed, asshole.
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