The Average Guys Guide to Fantasy Sports

            Fantasy sports are great. No, wait, that’s like saying beer and beef jerky are great. You don’t have to say it – they just are. Fantasy sports turns every game into a reason for you to drink beer and be a dick to your friends, which is okay because they’re drinking beer and being a dick to you, too. Fantasy sports gives you a stake in every game that will be on your television, and even though your wife has planned something stupid like apple picking on game day, sports will be on your television. No, it WILL be on your television. Are you kidding me? Apple picking? How long has she fucking known you? It’s Sunday which translates into “Sportsday.” You don’t need another reason to sit around your house yelling at your TV and getting drunk instead of going apple picking or to your daughter’s dance recital. Don’t worry about your daughter, there’s a whole industry based around girls who are dancers with daddy issues and Stinky Pete’s is always looking for new talent. Your daughter will be fine. What you really need to worry about is making sure you maximize your fantasy potential and don’t look like a dip shit in your league. Follow these rules and you’ll be fine.

Don’t forget about your team: There’s always at least one guy in a league who shows up to the draft then forgets he has a team. Chances are you won’t be invited to play next year, you just lost the money you paid for the buy-in, and your friends will start calling you Vagina-crotch McTampon-user – even at church. And if the preacher knows you bailed on your team, he might even drop an “loser” toward you from the pulpit.

Bet on your fantasy team: If you don’t put any money down on your team you’ll probably end up like McTampon-user because you won’t have anything invested in your team other than your pride. Who the fuck cares about pride? Lay down some cash. It’s not like your fantasy league’s going to charge you juice like your bookie and your fantasy commissioner isn’t nearly as likely to break your legs as that guy named Vinny who wears a track suit and gold chain. However, some fantasy leagues get pretty serious.

Talk shit: In any competition a man is either talking shit or taking shit. Be the one talking shit or you’re the woman of the league. It doesn’t matter if you’re down 50 points and the only player you have left is your kicker, you still need to talk shit. Is your kicker going to hit a dozen 50-yard field goals? Fuck no. But you need to shout it. When you stop talking shit you have admitted defeat, which brings me to …

Never admit defeat: At no point do you concede. We’re men. We yell “freedom” and charge forward into our almost certain deaths wearing nothing but blue paint. Never give up on your fantasy team, or Scotland, or any reason to attack somebody with a sword.

Come up with a clever fantasy name: During your draft it’s important you draft at least one player whose name can be used to conjure up a clever fantasy name. Whoever has the best fantasy team name may not win the league but he certainly will get props from his friends. Some of my favorite fantasy team names have been (in order of awesomeness): 1) Pucker Up and Chris My Johnson. 2) Bumping Utleys. 3) Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe.

Do your homework: You’re not taking this seriously if you don’t study the players before your draft. Everyone will bust your balls when you draft a player who’s injured and out for the season. Nothing will make you feel more like a bitch than being verbally assaulted by your league when you select the guy with a broken femur. Hell, I’m laughing at you right now, and I don’t even know you. Keep up on your homework after the draft, too. The guy who watches the most games and pays closest attention to the stats throughout the season is the same guy who will be counting the money at the end of the season. He’s also the guy who watched the most football, which probably means he drank the most beer. You want to be this person.

Make trades: Trading fantasy players is like trading baseball cards for grown-ups (although it’s still perfectly acceptable for a grown man to buy baseball cards and trade them with his buddies). Make trades. It’s part of what makes fantasy games fun. Let’s go back to the third sentence of “The Average Guys Guide to Fantasy Sports” – being a dick. The best way to fuck over your friends is to make a trade that will kick them in the balls the week you’re going to play them. Hey, I just traded for Chris Johnson. Sure, I had to give up Ochocinco and my wife’s uterus, but you’re going down. Speaking of fucking people over…

Fuck over the people in your league: Playing fantasy sports is the only time it is acceptable to fuck over your friends. You can’t fuck your buddy over when selling him a car. If you sell your buddy a car with a transmission you know is shit and don’t tell him about it, you’re a douche bag. He’s probably going to kick your ass and murder your family. If I were the judge at that trial, I’d give him a lollypop and let him walk. But if you make a trade that really shreds your friend’s corn-hole then he is the one who’s shamed. If he’s too stupid to know that giving you Randy Moss for Brandon Jackson is a bad trade then he deserves to lose. The rest of your league will be pissed off, but not because you fucked over a guy in your league; it’ll be because they didn’t get to fuck him over first. If someone in your league is stupid enough to ask you for fantasy advice give him shit advice unless he is playing someone that week that has a considerable lead in the league.

Do an in-person draft, not an online draft: This gives you an excuse to get together with your buddies and spend hours doing nothing but talking about sports, boobs, maybe cars, and drinking until you can’t walk. If this doesn’t sound balls-to-the-wall awesome then you’re probably not reading this because you’re too busy picking out drapes.

Don’t miss your draft: If you’re still breathing there is no acceptable excuse to miss your draft. Weddings, funerals, work, or being on your period does not make it okay for you to miss a draft. Are you in the hospital? I don’t care. If you can’t make your draft don’t play in that league. Having one of your friends draft for you will guarantee that you end up with a shit team (see “Fuck over the people in your league”).

Happy drafting.

An Average Guy’s Guide to Etiquette

The Average Guy cares less about the proper modes of social behavior than he should a friend’s chronic rectal itch. Etiquette’s not funny. Your friend’s rectal itch is hilarious. Laughing at your buddy talking to some girl in a bar shifting his weight to Lady Gaga just to scratch his ass is as funny as watching Gaga fall down a flight of stairs. But social etiquette happens to everyone – either you adhere to it and no one notices, or you don’t and people sneer. For anyone who sneers in my direction I didn’t get around to punching, you should know I left the party early and ran my junk over every car door handle in the parking lot. So while picking your nose on the way home, you stuck my dick up your nasal passage … and you don’t know where it’s been.

But should an Average Guy care about etiquette? Let’s consider the following: 1) Does it really matter if somebody eats peas with a dinner fork or dessert fork? 2) Should you tuck the napkin in your shirt, or spread it on your leg? 3) Is it wrong to have sex with your boss’s daughter who only wants to hurt daddy, but she’s really, really hot? The answers are 1) no. Peas are good for you. Eat them with your fists, 2) yes to both uses of the napkin and eating during a lap dance. Anything that keeps ketchup off your prized AC/DC concert T-shirt is acceptable, and 3) if you say ‘yes,’ I will set fire to your house.

Should an Average Guy care about the kind of dinner/dining/dancing etiquette you see on TV? Fuck no. That type of etiquette is for people who care what other people think of them. Average Guys don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. However, there are social, mainly unspoken, unwritten until now Average Guy rules we should all follow. These are the Average Guy Rules of Etiquette:

Bathroom Etiquette

Don't pee next to this man.

Urinals: Don’t look at the guy next to you. Don’t even turn your head slightly to see if he’s the kind of guy who might bash you in the head and take your wallet. He’ll think you’re looking at his dick. I once made the mistake of glancing at the guy at the urinal next to me and it was NFL Hall of Fame offensive lineman Dan Dierdorf. It doesn’t matter that the dude was almost 60; he could kick my ass. Seriously, don’t look.

Don’t talk: You’re in a stall of a public bathroom; pants at your ankles, the hair on your legs standing up, and you’re dropping a load in a rhythm that sounds like a Bobby McFerrin song. Some guy comes in and squats in the stall next to you. Uncomfortable, but tolerable. Then he. starts. talking. to. you. What the hell? A man trying to talk to you in a bathroom shitter while you’re sitting over a semi-liquid mess teaming with tetanus is more uncomfortable than farting in church. A bathroom talker is not a man. Shut the fuck up. If my pants weren’t down I would beat you with a toilet seat.

Washing your hands: Public restrooms are filthier than Paris Hilton, and just looking at Paris Hilton makes me want to wash my eyes with rubbing alcohol. If I could hold my dump on a cross-state drive, I would. Walking into a public bathroom is a lot like descending into the world of the Morlocks. Public bathrooms are dark, moldy, have green stuff oozing down the walls, and red-eyed monsters stare at you from dark corners. Wash your hands before you go in, don’t touch anything, don’t sit on anything, don’t look at anything, then step into a Star Trek decontamination chamber on the way out – but don’t wash your hands. The problems with washing your hands in a public restroom are, 1) anyone who used the sink before you got shit on the faucet handle. Literal shit, 2) many public restrooms don’t have paper towels and who has time to stand in front of a blow dryer for five minutes when some asshole’s sitting in a stall trying to talk to you? 3) many rural convenience store bathrooms have the continuous-circle cloth towel which is good for only one thing – contracting hepatitis, and 4) how in the hell are you getting out of this sewage pit with clean hands if you have to touch the door handle? It ain’t happening. Just say the hell with it, don’t wash your hands, and fondle all the hotdogs in the rotisserie on your way out of the convenience store.

Your Buddy’s House Etiquette

Farting: If you’re at your buddy’s house, chances are other buddies are there, a ballgame’s on, various chip dips are scattered across the coffee table, and somebody’s already broken the “fuck seal.” Probably with, “Thanks for the fucking invite,” “can you believe that fucking call?” or “hey, I fucking farted.” Farting at a buddy’s house is more expected than you actually bringing your own beer. There are, however, generally accepted rules for farting: 1) don’t fart in front of women. Sure, if a woman is at a party where guys are drinking, eating, and watching sports, she might as well be at the zoo. But society tells us that when we’re around women we’re supposed to pretend we’re someone else, so just make sure you sneak out your air loaf and smile quietly to yourself as she tries to figure out which one of you bastards did it, 2) don’t fart in the bathroom – do it in the middle of the action. Sure, everyone will bitch, but inside we’re all high-fiving your rotten sphincter bomb. Surprisingly enough, at a party the bathroom’s usually the best place to get away from the smell, 3) don’t not fart, with the strange bodily movement and facial contortions associated with holding one in, people might think you’re having a stroke. If someone can’t deal with you not not farting, wait till they bend over the dip table and rip one in their face.

Your buddy’s wife: If your buddy’s wife is hot, both she and your friend should keep her the hell away from the assholes he hangs around with. It’s not that any Average Guy would ever try and make it with his buddy’s wife, but an Average Guy will stare at her boobs like they might get up and dance.

The last beer: You want it, you want it, you want it, but never, ever take the last beer. It’s more acceptable to use the last square of toilet paper in a friend’s house than it is to take his last beer. Taking the last beer out of your buddy’s fridge is equivalent to seeing his car broken down on the side of the road, pulling over, hitting him in the head with a pipe, rolling his body into a ditch and driving off. Okay, so that’s not exactly like taking your buddy’s last beer because taking his last beer is much, much worse. Hitler would take his friend’s last beer. Yeah, think about that.

First Date Etiquette

Picking up your date: The Average Guy knows as much about women as he does nuclear physics. If you’re a nuclear physicist, you know as much about women as you do plumbing/hog farming/“Jersey Shore.” The point is no one knows anything about women. Period. Once you land a date with the elusive female, they will expect you to drive to their house, unless you’re borderline creepy, then they’ll drive themselves to an agreed-on spot in a public setting and will probably wear a wire. But what is the proper way to take her from her house to the date? There are three methods determined by the woman’s social status, 1) she still lives with her mother. You’re going to have to work at it. Shower, show up early, knock on the door, bring a gift (preferably something her mother can enjoy, like candy, a TV Guide, or whatever in the hell women who live together like), wear a shirt with a collar, tell her how nice she looks, and if you masturbate before the date make sure you mop up. You’re going to drive, you’re going to pay, and you’re not going to get laid, but at least you tried, 2) she’s a professional woman who lives alone, which means she might want to drive. Fuck that. Tell her you’re not nearly drunk enough for her to drive, then talk about Hemmingway and challenge her to a drinking contest. If she says “no,” she’s probably going to call the cops. But if she says “yes,” this tight-assed powerbitch will break your pelvis. Sweet. And 3) she’s into you like Star Wars geeks are into Princess Leia’s gold bikini. You can show up wearing a T-shirt featuring a picture you having sex with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and she’ll still go out with you.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Getting drunk: There are women who think dates are magical events where people dance with unicorns, snort rainbows, tickle dolphins, and play UNO with swans. These are also women who think “Titanic” is the best movie James Cameron ever made – even though you know its “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” – enjoy music that makes you punch drywall, and have an annoying laugh. I offer you three words: 1) booze, 2) it, 3) up. Getting drunk with Miss Moonbeam will take this date from beat-my-head-on-the-floor to tolerable. But no matter how hot this type of woman is, they’re too fucking annoying to spend more than one date with. Note, “more than one date” and “balls to Jesus” are two different things. If you’re dating someone too classy to drink beer, she’s not for you, pal. And, realistically, she’s not for anyone.

Who should pay: You. I’m sorry, but it’s always you. Women have gone to so much effort to do bullshit like vote, own land, have equal pay, and the right to speak in public, it’s just sad they throw all this respect away when they expect you to spring for dinner.

Work Etiquette

Dealing with coworkers: No matter where you work or who you work for, the people you work with are dickheads. You might chat with them causally about their personal life, go out for lunch with them, and play cards at their house, but these people suck to you in much the same way Judas sucked to Jesus. As soon as a corner office is open, your office “friend” will turn you over to the Romans. But, unlike Jesus, you need to strike first. Get to know them. Infiltrate their world of pasty cubical dwelling trolls. Mock people you know they hate to gain their trust. Then, when you’ve learned enough about these people, fuck them like Tommy Lee all over Pamela Anderson. That corner office is yours.

Taking things out of the office fridge that aren’t yours: Have you ever watched an old-school sci-fi movie where a scientist grabbed the wrong test tube/sandwich/beaker of scotch out of the refrigerator, and the world ended? This was based on a workplace refrigerator. Taking food out of a workplace fridge is as dangerous as sharing heroine needles with hobos. Don’t do it; the food in there is probably old enough to be your father. The only exception is an unmarked bottle of coffee creamer. That’s because it’s not coffee creamer, it’s breast milk. If the one new mother in the office is hotter than deep-fried tits, drink the bottle and wear that milk mustache around the office like a war medal. HR will put something in your permanent file, but it’s worth it.

Leaving with class: You’re going to get fired. This isn’t a critique of your work ethic (even though if you’re an Average Guy you’re doing just enough to get by), it’s just a statistical probability. Everyone gets fired. The trick is to walk out of that building with your dignity and, hopefully, a shitload of office supplies. Prepare for your firing the day you take the job. Never – and I mean never – take anything personal to work except the clothes you’re wearing. You’ve seen those people you work with who have more personal pictures on their desk than your mom has in photo albums. When these losers get fired (and you’re glad they did. Pricks), some corporate thugs escort them to their desk and watch like prison guards while your now-former co-worker packs a box full of those pictures, troll dolls, novelty items and all the shit they’ve accumulated over years of not being fired. It’s pathetic. When you get fired, instead of wasting valuable time on personal items, you can fill that box with all the printer cartridges, Post-It Notes, highlighters, staples, company coffee mugs, and ink pens you’ve spent the past two years stealing. Then, as the thugs escort you out of the building, tell everyone it was you who never flushed the toilet. Good riddance, assholes. I’m going home to drink beer and play video games.

Sporting Event Etiquette

Cheering for your team: Sporting events are one of the rare instances Average Guys get a chance to high-five strangers without people thinking we have Down’s Syndrome. Naturally you’ll want to take full advantage by cheering for your team because high-fives are fucking awesome. In most cases it’s perfectly acceptable to root for your team but keep in mind you’re not a goddamned cheerleader. At no point are you allowed to encourage others to cheer. If you attempt to start “the wave” I will cut off your foot and eat it in front of you. If you’re just a casual observer, you’re not even allowed to cheer. Example: I don’t know shit about hockey, but if someone offers me free tickets I’m going to watch some Canucks try to smash each other’s teeth out, but at no time will I cheer. Just because I’ve seen the Mighty Ducks doesn’t mean I’ll yell, “Its knuckle puck time” or “Ducks fly together,” although I have to admit I might be looking for Kenan Thompson so I can get the autograph of the least funny person to ever be on Saturday Night Live.

Tailgating: Tailgating is a great time to drink beer, grill, drink beer, and eat, which are three of the Average Guy’s favorite things. Enjoy yourself in the parking lot before and after the game but at no point are you allowed to miss any part of the game to tailgate. If you want to sit around grilling and drinking have a fucking barbecue.

The Wine Rack. One of the greatest inventions of all time.

Drinking: Drinking once inside the stadium is more expensive than the entire continent of Africa, so it shouldn’t be surprising that it is not considered a breech of etiquette to smuggle in booze. A flask is the most obvious route to go here but some other methods include duct taping beers to various parts of your body, wearing a CamelBak under your shirt, and if you’re lucky enough to have a chick cool enough to bring to the game get her to wear one of these bad boys. This glorious invention is known as the Wine Rack. At no point is there to be actual wine in here because averages guys don’t drink wine, but it’s an excellent way to sneak booze into the stadium and as a bonus it makes you’re lady friend’s boobs look bigger.

Average Guys Guide to Technology

Technology is evolving all the time. It continues to get more and more advanced. You know what else evolved from less advanced forms? Humans. If we keep fucking around were going to have a situation just like The Terminator or The Matrix on our hands real fast. To hell with that. The end of the human race is reserved for zombies, not robots. As Average Guys we are the protectors of the human race. It is our responsibility to limit our technology use to only essential forms of technology. Below is the technology considered acceptable for the Average Guy to have the most up-to-date version of and what shit we should avoid using if we don’t want the governor of Kal-eh-forn-ea to hunt us down and murder us like our name’s John Fucking Connor.

Technology important to Average Guys

1. Televisions: Average Guys need giant flat screen TVs like women need to bitch at guys for watching sports on giant flat screen TVs. If your TV was big enough to be in The Dallas Cowboys’ stadium you would still want it to be bigger.
2. Video Games: While old school video games still kick ass, no expense should be spared when it comes to purchasing the latest video games. While video games can get expensive quick its worth it to get the gratification that slaying zombies in a realistic looking video game brings. Consider it practice for the survival of the human race. If Left 4 Dead does for my hunting skills what Duck Hunt did a distant generation’s, when the zombies attack the Average Guy (and hopefully some choice ass) will be the only humans left alive. So you not only can find ways to afford a good gaming system, you must find ways to afford it. Shit, now that they’ve got games that are motion controlled you can actually get a workout. You might as well take the money you were going to spend on a gym membership and put it towards video gaming.
3. Computers: If your computer is slow or crashes while you’re in the middle of jerking off to Two Girls One Cup chances are you’re going to toss that piece of shit out of the window. Not only will you have to buy a new computer but you’ll also have to pay the medical bills of that poor son of a bitch who just happened to be walking by your apartment building when you went ape shit and dropped a computer on his dome. Buy yourself a decent computer and save yourself the trouble of paying for some guys life support and download your porn at blazing fast speeds. It’s better for you, it’s better for him, it’s better for your dick.
4. Weapons: Don’t act like you don’t want some sweet James Bond-style weapons. Why just shoot your enemies with a gun when you could shoot you enemies with a laser that comes out of your wristwatch. Fuck yeah.

Technology that is not important to Average Guys

1. MP3 players: The Average Guy doesn’t give a shit if he’s got the latest iPod in his pocket. Does the Average Guy have some device within 10 feet of him that plays music? If the answer is yes then its good enough for the Average Guy. Who gives a shit if you’ve got the brand new $400 iPod touch-video-dildo-nano-zune-shuffle-mini? If it costs $400 it better be able to give me a blowjob and make me a sandwich – in that order
2. Cell phones: Your cell phone can connect to the Internet. Big deal. It’s a cell phone. You know what I use to connect to the Internet? A fucking computer. And as far as all of these “apps” go… well I don’t know what the shit an “app” is, but I have a hammer, so if we’re playing “rock, paper, scissors, app, hammer,” my hammer wins every fucking time. My guess is “app” is short for Apple and I don’t like my fruit and technology to mix so Steve Jobs can take his black sweater and go fuck himself. A cell phone should be able to make calls, send text messages, and take pictures/videos of naked chicks. That’s it. We don’t need all that extra bullshit.
3. iPads (Insert feminine hygiene product joke here). Now that you’ve had your feminine napkin-related laugh lets get down to what the iPad is. It’s kind of like a computer that has a touch screen instead of a keyboard, although it can’t really do what a computer does, but it also does some of the things an iPhone can do except call people, take pictures, or be useful. So when you actually use the fucking thing you’re asking yourself why your laptop and cell phone are sitting on your desk looking so goddamned smug and that fucking Steve Jobs is patting his wallet and smiling.
4. Roombas: For those of you don’t know what a Roomba is it’s a robot that roams around your place and vacuums up god-knows-what-that-is on your floor. I know what you’re thinking “Oh, shit yeah. This thing cleans for me? Robots kick ass.” But there is a problem with what seems like a perfectly awesome robot. Roombas are detrimental to women. Women already have a hard enough time finding jobs and when they do they are paid less than men. Who are we as men to employ a robot when we could employ a woman? Who are we as men to take women’s beloved vacuuming from them? I say we as Average Guys put our feet down and boycott the Roomba. Besides, a Roomba can’t get me a beer.
5.  Kindles: The Kindle is a computer thing designed for reading books. That’s it. Just reading books. This electronic book reader costs $140. It makes no goddamn sense to spend $140 bucks on computer that can only be used to read books when you can check out books for free from a library and spend that $140 on booze and a hooker. Not to mention that even after you’ve purchased this piece of shit you still have to pay to download books and you can’t even download Hustler on the stupid thing.
6. GPS: Using a GPS is just like asking for directions to get somewhere which only women, homosexuals, and weak-kneed pussies do. An Average Guy should never use a GPS. An Average Guy can get anywhere he needs to go by using his sense of direction (all Average Guys have an internal compass), a map, or making his own fucking road. 

... Drinking

If you’re an Average Guy, you love to drink, mainly because drinking gives guys the ability to defy gravity, know exactly what an athlete or coach was supposed to do just seconds after he did it, and drive like NASCAR racers. It also allows us to talk with women who wouldn't otherwise talk to us, and cope with the fact that everyone we deal with is as stupid as Brett Favre in front of a whore. On a side note: This bitch Farve has been texting pictures of his dick to, Jenn Sterger, got a job as a sideline reporter with the New York Jets after people saw her looking slutty at Florida State football games. Apparently looking slutty now qualifies you to be a reporter. Now I feel like an idiot for majoring in journalism instead of spending my college money on breast implants and a sex change. Lucky for you I’m not a tranny so I can bring you this highly enlightening blog about Average Guys.

Most importantly, drinking gets us drunk and bestows upon us super powers. Booze to a guy is the opposite of Kryptonite to Superman, and after having a few beers I can tell you this with all seriousness – Superman is a pussy.

But this isn’t the Average Guy’s Guide to Getting Drunk. This is The Average Guy’s Guide to Drinking. There’s a difference. Anyone can get drunk. An Average Guy knows how to do it with the class of Clint Eastwood in one of those movies where he gets drunk and beats the shit out of everybody. As with anything in life, there are rules to drinking, and for an Average Guy these are rules to live by.

The Top 10 Rules for Drinking

1.     Beer is good. The Sumerians didn’t invent beer 6,000 years ago – they were given the recipe by a god. And, really, do you feel badassed enough to argue with the wisdom of a god? Okay, yeah, so you had a 4.0 in college, or you’re the youngest executive in the history of your company, blah, blah, blah. Clam your pie hole. I’m talking about the god who gave us beer – Anunnaki (translated to English, “those who came from heaven with beer”). Compared to him we’re all shit. So shut the fuck up and grab us both a cold one. It’s what the gods want.

2.     Booze is a true catch 22. Joseph Heller actually wanted to write his book about booze but his wife started bitching and made him go to rehab for being an alcoholic even though he only got pants-shitting drunk five to six times a week. So when Heller got out of rehab he wrote his book about war and hate fucked his wife until her pussy fell out. Since Heller’s wife’s pussy didn’t work anymore he put her down. Booze is a natural friend to the Average Guy in most situations. It makes women do things like pull out their tits at random times and make out with other chicks. It also makes the Average Guy more confident and better looking to women. The downside to booze is it could make you incapable of getting a hard-on if over consumed. Also it’s hard (but not impossible) to nail a chick after you throw-up on her. The symbiotic relationship an Average Guy has with booze is just something that every man must accept as inevitable. This is where drinking gets philosophical. A god gave mankind beer, so drinking beer should make us closer to the gods (and who doesn’t feel that way after 10 or 12 beers?), but drinking too much beer makes us forget hooking up with some chick who wasn’t nearly as annoying drunk as she is sober, and the next day we throw up things we don’t remember eating. I give up. Jesus H. Christ. Theology and Milwaukee’s Best hurt my head.

3.     Eat. One of the biggest mistakes the Average Guy makes is the fact that we often go into a night of Lindsay Lohan-like drinking without putting food in our stomachs. This is stupid. Food is not only important for sustaining our health, it’s necessary for making a smooth transition from sober to shit faced. The food in your stomach is expecting to cushion the booze you’re going to pour over it. Don’t disappoint that food by not pouring booze over it and don’t disappoint your stomach by not putting food and booze into it. But eat before you drink, not after. A big dinner after a good night of drinking can not only screw up a really nice drunk, it can make you sleepy and sluggish as you’re running from the cops with a screaming Hooters waitress flopped over your shoulder.

4.     There are alcohols other than beer (although they’re not nearly as important). Ale, lager, pilsner, stout … okay, so these are just different types of beer, but beer’s just that good. Other types of booze men might enjoy include whiskey bourbon, tequila, gin, rum, and grain alcohol. Booze men should never enjoy includes frozen drinks, fruity drinks, and wine (see No. 8).

5.     Drink water. Hangovers are God’s way of getting revenge on you for being more awesome than he was last night. The best way to counteract God’s bullshit is to not drink. Fuck that. That’s like asking a guy not to watch porn. The second best way to avoid hangovers is to drink a butt load of water while you’re drinking a butt load of beer. And, yes, butt is an official measurement of liquid. A butt is 108 imperial gallons, which equals 1,439.64 12-ounce beers. Drink up. Of course if you don’t want water drinking to interfere with beer drinking, switch to something that mixes well with water – like bourbon or vodka.

6.     Don’t switch to bourbon or vodka if you’ve already slammed down a lot of beer. You’ll get a visit from Ralph in his Buick.

7.     Although shots are fun, tasty, and a great way to get into the pants of stupid college girls, anyone taking shots is in danger of overdoing it. Shots are called shots for a reason. Not because you shoot them down, because you’re probably going to get shot by the police after you do 15 Jaeger Bombs and go running down the street naked shaking your dick at everybody who passes by. Be careful, shots can be dangerous.

8.     Under no circumstance whatsoever will a guy willingly drink wine. By “willingly” I mean its okay to force down a glass of merlot if you think it will help you get laid. But wine is enjoyed by the French, Italians, hippies, and hobos. Let me know if you can tell them apart. Let’s look at other types of booze. Do you know who likes whiskey? Cowboys. Rum? Pirates. Vodka? That Russian guy from “Rocky IV” who killed Apollo Creed with his fists. Wine? Wimps, pacifists, and lawyers. Just don’t get drunk off wine. It’ll make your head feel like it’s so big you’ll think you’re John Madden. Seriously that guy’s head is fucking huge, not to mention he’s a total dipshit.

9.     Never drink an Irish car bomb. With an Irish car bomb, you drop a shot glass of Irish whiskey into a pint of Guinness. If this isn’t a Catholic sin, or something, I don’t know what the fuck could be. Guinness is just too goddamned good to ruin with a shot of whiskey, even good whiskey.

10.  Don’t let booze make you stupid. And by “stupid” I mean doing any of the following: letting your friend drive you home because I know that asshole and he’s a lot drunker than you are, pick up a fattie, get into a political discussion with an idiot (which is basically anyone but you), loan anyone money, or volunteer to be the guy to wrestle the bikini chick in the Jell-O pit. She’s well trained in Jell-O wrestling and will kick your ass in front of your buddies and any girl in the bar who will no longer fuck you no matter how many shots you buy her.

And, when you’re out ready to booze it up, just remember to ask yourself WWAGD? What Would the Average Guy Drink? Yeah, that’s right, a shit ton of everything.