Average Guys Guide to Technology

Technology is evolving all the time. It continues to get more and more advanced. You know what else evolved from less advanced forms? Humans. If we keep fucking around were going to have a situation just like The Terminator or The Matrix on our hands real fast. To hell with that. The end of the human race is reserved for zombies, not robots. As Average Guys we are the protectors of the human race. It is our responsibility to limit our technology use to only essential forms of technology. Below is the technology considered acceptable for the Average Guy to have the most up-to-date version of and what shit we should avoid using if we don’t want the governor of Kal-eh-forn-ea to hunt us down and murder us like our name’s John Fucking Connor.

Technology important to Average Guys

1. Televisions: Average Guys need giant flat screen TVs like women need to bitch at guys for watching sports on giant flat screen TVs. If your TV was big enough to be in The Dallas Cowboys’ stadium you would still want it to be bigger.
2. Video Games: While old school video games still kick ass, no expense should be spared when it comes to purchasing the latest video games. While video games can get expensive quick its worth it to get the gratification that slaying zombies in a realistic looking video game brings. Consider it practice for the survival of the human race. If Left 4 Dead does for my hunting skills what Duck Hunt did a distant generation’s, when the zombies attack the Average Guy (and hopefully some choice ass) will be the only humans left alive. So you not only can find ways to afford a good gaming system, you must find ways to afford it. Shit, now that they’ve got games that are motion controlled you can actually get a workout. You might as well take the money you were going to spend on a gym membership and put it towards video gaming.
3. Computers: If your computer is slow or crashes while you’re in the middle of jerking off to Two Girls One Cup chances are you’re going to toss that piece of shit out of the window. Not only will you have to buy a new computer but you’ll also have to pay the medical bills of that poor son of a bitch who just happened to be walking by your apartment building when you went ape shit and dropped a computer on his dome. Buy yourself a decent computer and save yourself the trouble of paying for some guys life support and download your porn at blazing fast speeds. It’s better for you, it’s better for him, it’s better for your dick.
4. Weapons: Don’t act like you don’t want some sweet James Bond-style weapons. Why just shoot your enemies with a gun when you could shoot you enemies with a laser that comes out of your wristwatch. Fuck yeah.

Technology that is not important to Average Guys

1. MP3 players: The Average Guy doesn’t give a shit if he’s got the latest iPod in his pocket. Does the Average Guy have some device within 10 feet of him that plays music? If the answer is yes then its good enough for the Average Guy. Who gives a shit if you’ve got the brand new $400 iPod touch-video-dildo-nano-zune-shuffle-mini? If it costs $400 it better be able to give me a blowjob and make me a sandwich – in that order
2. Cell phones: Your cell phone can connect to the Internet. Big deal. It’s a cell phone. You know what I use to connect to the Internet? A fucking computer. And as far as all of these “apps” go… well I don’t know what the shit an “app” is, but I have a hammer, so if we’re playing “rock, paper, scissors, app, hammer,” my hammer wins every fucking time. My guess is “app” is short for Apple and I don’t like my fruit and technology to mix so Steve Jobs can take his black sweater and go fuck himself. A cell phone should be able to make calls, send text messages, and take pictures/videos of naked chicks. That’s it. We don’t need all that extra bullshit.
3. iPads (Insert feminine hygiene product joke here). Now that you’ve had your feminine napkin-related laugh lets get down to what the iPad is. It’s kind of like a computer that has a touch screen instead of a keyboard, although it can’t really do what a computer does, but it also does some of the things an iPhone can do except call people, take pictures, or be useful. So when you actually use the fucking thing you’re asking yourself why your laptop and cell phone are sitting on your desk looking so goddamned smug and that fucking Steve Jobs is patting his wallet and smiling.
4. Roombas: For those of you don’t know what a Roomba is it’s a robot that roams around your place and vacuums up god-knows-what-that-is on your floor. I know what you’re thinking “Oh, shit yeah. This thing cleans for me? Robots kick ass.” But there is a problem with what seems like a perfectly awesome robot. Roombas are detrimental to women. Women already have a hard enough time finding jobs and when they do they are paid less than men. Who are we as men to employ a robot when we could employ a woman? Who are we as men to take women’s beloved vacuuming from them? I say we as Average Guys put our feet down and boycott the Roomba. Besides, a Roomba can’t get me a beer.
5.  Kindles: The Kindle is a computer thing designed for reading books. That’s it. Just reading books. This electronic book reader costs $140. It makes no goddamn sense to spend $140 bucks on computer that can only be used to read books when you can check out books for free from a library and spend that $140 on booze and a hooker. Not to mention that even after you’ve purchased this piece of shit you still have to pay to download books and you can’t even download Hustler on the stupid thing.
6. GPS: Using a GPS is just like asking for directions to get somewhere which only women, homosexuals, and weak-kneed pussies do. An Average Guy should never use a GPS. An Average Guy can get anywhere he needs to go by using his sense of direction (all Average Guys have an internal compass), a map, or making his own fucking road.