There are two things average guys love as much as sports and beer, and that’s chicks and cars. Average guys love chicks because, although women are as fun as serious head trauma, chicks take off their shirts and dance. Women become human resource managers and corporate lawyers and spend their nights figuring out how to crush men into submission. Chicks teach elementary school by day, win wet T-shirt contests at night, and know exactly how to crush men into submission, by winning wet T-shirt contests. Average guys love cars because they’re fast, loud, and so drunk on their own coolness it makes us light headed. Cars are chicks. Better yet, cars are chicks who never say “no.”
Here are how these babies look pulling off the lot.
Jessica Alba: Porsche. Period. This woman is a Porsche. When I masturbate I masturbate to a picture of a Porsche and pretend it’s a picture of Jessica Alba.
Jennifer Aniston: A 1982 Caprice Classic. This car has a lot of miles on it, but with regular service and tune-ups, it’s still a sweet ride.
Angelina Jolie: Without regular maintenance, it’s amazing how quickly a car can go from the Mach 5 to that shit Jethro drove on “The Beverly Hillbillies.” It’s probably still fun to hop in a drive around, but take safety precautions. It looks worn out and sticky.
Beyonce Knowles: A mid-sized American sedan with plenty of trunk space. Great for taking on long rides as long as you can control the volume.
Mila Kunis: A pedal car. What the fuck, isn’t she like 15 or something? Okay, okay, so she’s probably 30, but she looks 15, you sick bastard.
Kristen Stewart: This one is borderline acceptable if you don’t mind fucking in a casket in the back of a hearse. That’s what this moody, depressing teenage-looking bitch is, a 1985 hearse. The one that carried Vincent Price to his grave.
Megan Fox: A hot assed Camaro with a spoiler, V-8 engine, and way too much pin striping. Great to show off to your friends, but you wouldn’t want your mom to see you in it.
Heidi Montag: Stay the fuck away. This thing has been in the shop more than a 1991 Buick Skylark driven by a teen meth freak. It is not street legal and probably hasn’t been cleaned in a while.
Natalie Portman: A Lexus. Great to stand beside, great to run your hands across, great to slide into the seat and drive, and goddamn, you want to hold an open house in your garage just so everyone you know stops by to see it’s yours.
Keira Knightley: A Natalie Portman for people who can’t afford a Natalie Portman.
Moon Bloodgood: This isn’t a spaceship, boys. Just because its got a name like something from “Star Wars” doesn’t mean it will fly you to fucking Tatooine, but it is one hell of a car. Go ahead; strap in and take it around the block.
Alison Lohman: An economy car. The Alison Lohman is cute and pretty respectable for a middle-class guy. You’ll be happy in this car, although you might feel like a loser when the Megan Fox pulls next to you at a stoplight. Just don’t look to your left. Goddamnit, don’t look to your left. Oh, great, you fucking looked. Now Alison won’t let you to park it in the garage when you get home. Dumbass.
Jessica Biel: A gorgeous 1990s Corvette with way, way, way too many owners. I wouldn’t mind taking her for a spin, but no one wants to find what those douchebags left in the trunk.
Vanessa Hudgens: The type of van hippies fucked in during the 1970s. Do you really want to be part of that? Really?
Lindsay Lohan: This is a Volkswagen “Herbie the Fucking Love Bug” Beetle, but she only seems like a magical car because you’re coked out and drunk while you’re driving it … and so is the car.
Britney Spears: This car was NICE. Sweet nice. The kind of nice that almost made you feel guilty because you wanted to sniff the upholstery. This was a sports car with all the bells and whistles until some asshole T-boned it with a Federline. Now this car is a wreck. Sure, it’s still drivable, but nothing you’d be proud to be seen in.
Avril Lavigne: The bitch is a skateboard. Get on the thing, do an ollie, do a couple of kick flips, and stuff whatever you find into her ass; carrots, baseballs, the transmission from a 1976 Gran Torino. Don’t worry, they’ll all fit. And you’ll have fun riding her, but at some point you’re going to have to grow up and get an actual car.
Helena Bonham Carter: What the fuck is that you’re driving? How can a car look like it would give you tetanus from across the sales lot, but still make you want to crawl inside? Very deep inside. “Get my goggles” deep inside. Jesus, I need to shower in penicillin.
Courtney Love: Some old rusted piece of shit that doesn’t run worth a fuck. You’d be completely embarrassed to ride in it, and worry about cops finding the heroine addicts in the backseat. You’ll end up blowing your brains out with a shotgun if you have to drive this thing.
Jenna Jameson: A deceptively large RV. It looks like a Dodge Challenger, but once inside it’s a Winnebago. You’ll have plenty of room to move around, maybe even dance, or play racquetball.
Kate Hudson: Not much for headlights on this car, but who need headlights when this sweet ride has a great back seat.
Betty White: A running Model T, but just because it runs doesn’t mean you should take it out of the garage. Keep it there, under a tarp. Sure, you can show your friends every once in a while, but make sure you wash it, wax it, and have a professional change the points and plugs every now and again, but dear God, don’t get in that thing.
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