The Average Guy’s Random Identity Generator

There are times when an Average Guy hits the bars just to watch sports, or get drunk, or watch sports while getting drunk. Then there are times an Average Guy hits the bars to find some girl we want to nail and never, ever see again. Ever.

The clever guys can pull this off. The rest of us suffer from a severe case of the “oh, shits.” That’s when we get a call on our cell phone at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m., and noon, then every two hours until you’d rather crap razor wire than feel that disloyal little bastard vibrate in your pocket one more time.

Anonymous? Yes. Unappreciated? Never.

Your mistakes? 1) you gave some anonymous pair of tits your real name even though you don’t remember hers, and 2) you left your cell phone on the table when you got up to take a piss. Remember, if you’re scouting for something you’d never date, you’re lowering your standards. Hell, you just want to find something as quick and easy to get into as a steaming bowl of Top Ramens. You don’t want her showing up at your front door; the neighbors might see.

Rule No. 1 – leave no clues.

How do you do this? Getting a stealth lay is a mission, so do what every good secret agent does – become someone else.

Sure, being a secret agent looks fun in the movies, but assuming another identity isn’t as easy as the chick you’re looking for – and it shouldn’t be. Chasing tail, even skank, can be hard work.

For example, if you adopt an East Coast identity and you don’t study the customs, major exports, capitol cities, sports franchises, and most common venereal diseases of the East Coast, the chick’s going to know you’re lying and the chase is over – you lost. Once you have an identity, it has to be your identity. This means do your homework so you can answer questions drunk. Just saying you’re Turk Thunderfuck from Wet Pussy, Iowa, doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know corn grows in Iowa and you’re speaking with a fucking Irish accent.

Rolling your role

There's no such thing as a +4 Die of Getting Laid. Sorry, nerds.

To establish your one-night-stand identity, don’t get cute. Let’s face it, guys, some of us just aren’t that creative. To get around all the “Hi, I’m John Smith. I can’t give you my real name because I work for the CIA” bullshit, we’re going to make your identity randomly dependent on the roll of 6-sided dice.

Why 6-sided and not 12-sided? Because this isn’t Dungeons and Dragons, nerd. This is Dungeons and Dragons for people who are actually going to get laid. Average Guys don’t keep 47-sided dice around the house. We do, however, have a Yatzhee box in the garage full of 6-sided dice that could possibly cause a girl’s pants to spontaneously leap three feet from her ass into the back seat of your car. So, Poindexter, keep your Dungeon Master’s Guide away from my penis-to-vagina saving throw, or whatever shit I’m trying to say.

First roll – Region

The region fate chooses for you is important because that gives you a cultural identity. For that cultural identity, just go to Wikipedia. If the information’s wrong, which it probably is, just get her drunker than shit and she won’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now, grab a die from that Yahtzee game and get started.

1=Southwest

2=Midwest

3=East Coast

4=West Coast

5=Upper Midwest

6=South

Average Guy Getting Laid Tip: When finding your region, roll until you land in a region you’re not currently in. This not only makes it harder for the target to see through your subterfuge (that’s a big fucking word. I’m using it because I rolled Associate Professor from Threeway, Connecticut. Take that shit), people from other areas of the country seem exotic and more fun for chicks to blow. And I’ll take a sloppy drunk hummer over Chlamydia any day.

Second and Third rolls – Name

Your new name is only important to remember when she says, “Hey, Ben. My panties are soaked. Let’s go fuck on the roof.” YOU WILL WANT TO HEAR HER. As soon as you roll a new name, memorize it. You don’t need to know anything about your name. Who cares what Alexander means in Old English? And if the girl you’re hitting on asks what nationality McMahon is, look at her like she’s a fucking retard and start flirting with her friend. This is exactly what you want. This chick has the self-esteem of a boot. After five minutes of her friend giggling at your jokes she’ll have her tongue down your throat like Alien.

Name (roll for first and last)

Southwest

         First                         Last

2          Trent             2    Earp

3          Dennis          3    Holliday

4          Jose               4    Starr

5          Gordie           5    Cody

6          William         6    Carson

7          Rex               7    Hickok

8          Rick              8    Custer

9          Greg              9    Clanton

10       Arnold          10  Bean

11       Thomas         11  Younger

12       Gabe             12  The Kid

Midwest

2          Matthew        2    Twain

3          Daniel           3    James

4          Clark             4    Disney

5          Joseph           5    Truman

6          William         6    Eisenhour

7          Ryan             7    Sanders

8          David            8    Lincoln

9          James            9    Anheuser

10       Jonathan        10  Busch

11       Samuel          11  Reagan

12       Andrew         12  Kent

East Coast

2          Joshua           2    Alcott

3          Ethan             3    Coolidge

4          Anthony        4    Kennedy

5          Alexander     5    Longfellow

6          Noah             6    Barnum

7          Benjamin       7    Poe

8          Logan            8    Lovecraft

9          Brandon        9    Webster

10       Zachary         10  Emerson

11       Kevin            11  Hawthorne

12       Evan              12  Thoreau

West Coast

2          Caleb             2    Eastwood

3          Justin            3    Taylor

4          Austin           4    Marx

5          Aidan            5    Lightfoot

6          Isaiah            6    Brooks

7          Jordan           7    Shatner

8          Gavin            8    Heston

9          Connor          9    Cyrus

10       Aiden            10  Cruise

11       Cameron       11  Howard

12       Hunter           12  Smith

Upper Midwest

2          Tyler             2    Hogan

3          Nathan          3    Johnson

4          Christian       4    Austin

5          Dylan            5    McMahon

6          Gabriel          6    Ventura

7          Jack               7    Cena

8          Robert           8    Piper

9          Thomas         9    Flair

10       Luke              10  Bigelow

11       Muhammad   11  Jericho

12       Charles          12  Luger

South

2          Angel            2    Busch

3          Lucas            3    Gordon

4           Owen           4    Harvick

5           Landon         5    Hamlin

6           Diego           6    Earnhardt

7          Eric               7    Biffle

8          Nathaniel       8    Truex

9          Jesus             9    Rudd

10       Jeremiah        10  Johnson

11       Cole              11  Stewart

12       Wyatt            12  Jarrett

Fourth Roll – City

Intercourse doesn't always mean you're getting lucky.

Although your birth city is random, it – and the state – are vital to your pussy-infiltrating cover. When talking to some nameless XY at a bar, never mention the state unless asked. You might blow cover then you won’t get blown at all.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Chick: Hey, I’m from intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar. What year did you graduate?

Busted. The population of Intercourse, Pennsylvania is only about 1,500. Everybody not only knows everybody, they’re related to everybody.

Reboot.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse.

Chick: Hey, I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar.

You: Pennsylvania? I’m from Intercourse, Alabama. Wanna fuck?

Chick: Sure.

Score.

Southwest (one die)

Arizona
1-2 Organ Pipe
New Mexico
3-4 Organ
5-6 Pie Town

Midwest (two dice)

Illinois
2 Effingham

Indiana
3 French Lick
4 Gnawbone

Missouri

5 Climax Springs
6 Conception
7 Gobler
8 Knob Lick
9 Licking
Iowa
10 Sac City
11 Tingley
 Ohio
12 Blue Ball

East Coast (two dice)

Connecticut
2 Mianus

Virginia
3 Clam

4 Lipps
5 Needmore
6 Onancock
7 Threeway

Pennsylvania
8 Big Beaver
9 Blue Ball
10 Climax
11 Intercourse
12 Jugtown

West Coast (one die)

California
1-2 Confidence
3-4 Cool

Washington
5-6 Humptulips

Upper Midwest (two dice)

Michigan
2 Climax
3 Nirvanna
4 Paradise
Minnesota
5 Climax
6 Deephaven
7 Welcome
Wisconsin
8 Hustler
9 Liberty Pole
10 Spooner
11 Spread Eagle

North Dakota
12 Can do,

South (two dice)

Alabama
2 Screamer
 Arkansas
3 Gobbler
4 Three Way
5 Y-City

Florida
6 Mayo Junction
Georgia

7 Hopeulikit
 Kentucky
8 Knob Lick
Mississippi
9 Pokerflat
North Carolina
10 Whynot

South Carolina
11 Sugar Tit

Tennessee
12 Finger

For the Advanced Average Guy

If you’re feeling up to the challenge, take your new name, your boner, and move from your rolled region to a city in Bum Fuck Egypt. This takes more homework and is as hard to pull off successfully as your cock is right now.

Bum Fuck Egypt (two dice)

Alaska
2 Manley Hot Springs

Wyoming
3 Big Hole

Colorado
4 Climax
5 Dix
6 Last Chance
7 Romeo

Montana
8 Feely
9 Opportunity

Newfoundland, Canada

10 Dildo,
11 Upper Dildo (I am so not fucking making this up)

Nova Scotia, Canada
12 Meat Cove

For bonus points use an accent fitting of your new hometown, unless you rolled a town in the south.  If you use a southern accent women will think you are racist, inbred, and/or mentally retarded.

Profession

Choosing the right profession isn’t for the weak-minded. Left on our own, we’d probably say doctor, lawyer, or first baseman for the Triple-A (insert franchise name here). Those professions all sound desirably layable. But there’s a chance the girl you’re sniffing is a nurse, paralegal, or sports whore. Then you’re busted. Your profession needs to be as vague, readily explainable, or completely unverifiable as possible.

Bartenders get laid a lot. Even this guy? No, especially this guy.

2 Bartender

3 Travel writer

4 Airplane mechanic

5 Internet content consultant

6 Assistant professor of Zombology* at Mount (insert name of girl you’re trying to bone) College

Girl: Hey, the name of your college is my name, except for it says Mount Me.

You: Hey, you’re right. Our meeting must hold some deeper meaning. (To waitress) Hey, tequila over here, pronto.

7 Fortune cookie fortune editor

8 Assistant brewmeister for (insert regional brewery name here)

9 Professional sports franchise mascot

10 Grad student

11 Wholesale product distributor

12 Regional profession

*This is the study of zombies. Every Average Guy should be able to field random drunk questions on zombies. If not, you don’t deserve to get laid.

Regional Professions

Sometimes your newly adopted region will have professions that aren’t often found other places. In this case, you’ll sound even more exotic. Depending on how drunk the chick is you’re targeting, you might want to go ahead and take off your pants now.

Southwest: Cowboy

Midwest: Indian casino blackjack dealer
East Coast: Hair gel purchaser, T-shirt timekeeper, and general Guido wrangler for MTV’s Jersey Shore

West Coast: Gaffer

Upper Midwest: Canadian border patrol

South: Jaguar hunter

Or,

Bum Fuck Egypt

1-2       Forest ranger on Bear Mountain

3-4       Sasquatch biologist

5-6       Whaler

Happy boning.