Fantasy sports are great. No, wait, that’s like saying beer and beef jerky are great. You don’t have to say it – they just are. Fantasy sports turns every game into a reason for you to drink beer and be a dick to your friends, which is okay because they’re drinking beer and being a dick to you, too. Fantasy sports gives you a stake in every game that will be on your television, and even though your wife has planned something stupid like apple picking on game day, sports will be on your television. No, it WILL be on your television. Are you kidding me? Apple picking? How long has she fucking known you? It’s Sunday which translates into “Sportsday.” You don’t need another reason to sit around your house yelling at your TV and getting drunk instead of going apple picking or to your daughter’s dance recital. Don’t worry about your daughter, there’s a whole industry based around girls who are dancers with daddy issues and Stinky Pete’s is always looking for new talent. Your daughter will be fine. What you really need to worry about is making sure you maximize your fantasy potential and don’t look like a dip shit in your league. Follow these rules and you’ll be fine.
Don’t forget about your team: There’s always at least one guy in a league who shows up to the draft then forgets he has a team. Chances are you won’t be invited to play next year, you just lost the money you paid for the buy-in, and your friends will start calling you Vagina-crotch McTampon-user – even at church. And if the preacher knows you bailed on your team, he might even drop an “loser” toward you from the pulpit.
Bet on your fantasy team: If you don’t put any money down on your team you’ll probably end up like McTampon-user because you won’t have anything invested in your team other than your pride. Who the fuck cares about pride? Lay down some cash. It’s not like your fantasy league’s going to charge you juice like your bookie and your fantasy commissioner isn’t nearly as likely to break your legs as that guy named Vinny who wears a track suit and gold chain. However, some fantasy leagues get pretty serious.
Talk shit: In any competition a man is either talking shit or taking shit. Be the one talking shit or you’re the woman of the league. It doesn’t matter if you’re down 50 points and the only player you have left is your kicker, you still need to talk shit. Is your kicker going to hit a dozen 50-yard field goals? Fuck no. But you need to shout it. When you stop talking shit you have admitted defeat, which brings me to …
Never admit defeat: At no point do you concede. We’re men. We yell “freedom” and charge forward into our almost certain deaths wearing nothing but blue paint. Never give up on your fantasy team, or Scotland, or any reason to attack somebody with a sword.
Come up with a clever fantasy name: During your draft it’s important you draft at least one player whose name can be used to conjure up a clever fantasy name. Whoever has the best fantasy team name may not win the league but he certainly will get props from his friends. Some of my favorite fantasy team names have been (in order of awesomeness): 1) Pucker Up and Chris My Johnson. 2) Bumping Utleys. 3) Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe.
Do your homework: You’re not taking this seriously if you don’t study the players before your draft. Everyone will bust your balls when you draft a player who’s injured and out for the season. Nothing will make you feel more like a bitch than being verbally assaulted by your league when you select the guy with a broken femur. Hell, I’m laughing at you right now, and I don’t even know you. Keep up on your homework after the draft, too. The guy who watches the most games and pays closest attention to the stats throughout the season is the same guy who will be counting the money at the end of the season. He’s also the guy who watched the most football, which probably means he drank the most beer. You want to be this person.
Make trades: Trading fantasy players is like trading baseball cards for grown-ups (although it’s still perfectly acceptable for a grown man to buy baseball cards and trade them with his buddies). Make trades. It’s part of what makes fantasy games fun. Let’s go back to the third sentence of “The Average Guys Guide to Fantasy Sports” – being a dick. The best way to fuck over your friends is to make a trade that will kick them in the balls the week you’re going to play them. Hey, I just traded for Chris Johnson. Sure, I had to give up Ochocinco and my wife’s uterus, but you’re going down. Speaking of fucking people over…
Fuck over the people in your league: Playing fantasy sports is the only time it is acceptable to fuck over your friends. You can’t fuck your buddy over when selling him a car. If you sell your buddy a car with a transmission you know is shit and don’t tell him about it, you’re a douche bag. He’s probably going to kick your ass and murder your family. If I were the judge at that trial, I’d give him a lollypop and let him walk. But if you make a trade that really shreds your friend’s corn-hole then he is the one who’s shamed. If he’s too stupid to know that giving you Randy Moss for Brandon Jackson is a bad trade then he deserves to lose. The rest of your league will be pissed off, but not because you fucked over a guy in your league; it’ll be because they didn’t get to fuck him over first. If someone in your league is stupid enough to ask you for fantasy advice give him shit advice unless he is playing someone that week that has a considerable lead in the league.
Do an in-person draft, not an online draft: This gives you an excuse to get together with your buddies and spend hours doing nothing but talking about sports, boobs, maybe cars, and drinking until you can’t walk. If this doesn’t sound balls-to-the-wall awesome then you’re probably not reading this because you’re too busy picking out drapes.
Don’t miss your draft: If you’re still breathing there is no acceptable excuse to miss your draft. Weddings, funerals, work, or being on your period does not make it okay for you to miss a draft. Are you in the hospital? I don’t care. If you can’t make your draft don’t play in that league. Having one of your friends draft for you will guarantee that you end up with a shit team (see “Fuck over the people in your league”).
Happy drafting.
This is EXACTLY why I ask your fantasy advice. SKILLS.
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