The Average Guy’s Guide to Surviving the Corporate World

            Chances are if you’re an Average Guy you’ll end up working in the corporate world at some point, which blows but is pretty much inevitable. The corporate world is basically prison with fewer chances to exercise. You sit in a windowless box (a cubicle) and put in your time until your sentence is up and hopefully you make it out before you’re made into somebody’s bitch and forced to suck corporate dick all day. Fuck that. You’re nobody’s bitch. I’m about to arm you with a corporate shank and body armor made out of telephone books. Here’s how to survive in the corporate world.

Do as little a possible

I don't do shit at work.

            You know what I do most of my day while I’m getting paid to be a constructive part of a corporation? Not fucking much. It’s amazing how long you can avoid doing any actual work while at work with the Internet at your fingertips. I know some of you will say “But, what about doing your best in hopes of getting a promotion?” or some shit like that. If you have this frame of mind you’re already sucking the corporate dick, you poor son of a bitch. Quick, bite down as hard as you can.

 Always seem like you’re busy

            Never let anyone know you’re not busy. If somebody calls your office phone let it ring at least three times before you pick it up. That way it seems like you were in the middle of something important. Use words like “swamped” and “deadline” every chance you get. Never mention that you could help somebody else with their shit. Next thing you know everybody will be asking you for help with their work. You don’t even want to do your work, let alone somebody else’s. Also, if people think you’re not busy your position could be the first to go when it comes time to downsize.

Use as few words as possible to answers questions

Here’s what happens when you use too many words to answer a question at work.

Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?

Corporate Dick Sucker: Well, I would have but I was on my way to work today when a unicorn took shit on my windshield then I crashed my car into a pile of dildos. Instead of coming into work right away I had to go to my buddy Carl’s house to have all the rubber dongs removed from my orifices. Carl is an expert at dildo removal. In fact he once removed a dildo from Burt Reynolds’ mustache. Can you believe that? He removed a dildo from the ’stache of The Bandit himself. Hey you want to watch Smokey and The Bandit some time? Anyway… back to the TPS reports I’ll have them to you just as soon as I get this dildo autographed by Burt Reynolds’ and I finish up calculating the WENIS. Hey I like your haircut. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Mr. Figgins? He was my high school math teacher. Want me to give you a blowie?

Boss: You’re fucking fired.

Here’s how that situation should have gone.

Boss: Did you get those TPS reports done?

Average Guy: No.

Boss: Ok. Well, I’m going to need those ASAP.

Average Guy: Fuck off.

Boss: I’m promoting you to boss of the world.

Caffeine and Energy Drinks

You can't live without them.

            Let’s face it, unless you’re the bouncer at a rodeo themed midget strip club your job is probably pretty fucking boring. You’re going to need something to keep yourself awake. Drink lots of caffeinated beverages and/or energy drinks. Another, possibly better, alternative to caffeine is the old paint eyeballs on your eyelids trick. That shit works every time. Plus you’ll win any office starring contest you might be challenged to and will probably win the affection of some of the women at your office.

“Steve is just so sexy. I love staring into his eyes.”

Don’t fear getting fired or laid-off

            To quote Franklin Delano Roosevelt “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and clowns. Fuck clowns. Now quit being such a fucking pussy because I don’t see any clowns around here.” Don’t be fearful of losing your job. Getting the axe is a good thing. You’ll be eligible for unemployment, which means you’ll get paid not to work, which is every Average Guy’s dream job. Unemployment will run out eventually but just look at it as a break to your prison sentence.

Escaping the Corporate world

            Just like prison, your ultimate goal is to get out of the corporate world. Most of use just serve our time and then retire and are released back into the wild. A lucky few will escape the corporate world and never have to return. Here are some of the ways to escape the corporate world.

1. Win the lottery: Okay, so the chances of winning the lottery are 1 in 195,249,054, but you might as well give it a shot. Sure you have a better chance of getting a blow job from Megan Fox, but somebody’s got to win the fucking thing. Hey that gives me idea for a new lottery game…

Megan Fox: Winning is everything.

 FOXBALL

Numbers matched	Prize
1	Make out with Megan Fox
2	Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt over the bra)
3	Grab Megan Fox’s tits (under the shirt under the bra)
4	Hand job from Megan Fox
5	Blow job from Megan Fox
5+FOXBALL	Fully penetrate Megan Fox

For a chance to win a consolation hand job from Kristie Alley (hey it’s better than nothing and she used to be hot) send in non-winning tickets to:

FOXBALL

555 MEGAN FOX CREVICE

KNOBB LICK, KY 55555

If I win the consolation prize I’m investing in a time machine.

2. Live off the land: You don’t need a dime to live off the fat of the land so you won’t have to suck any corporate dick to do this. You will need to learn some important skills though. Besides just techniques for wilderness survival you’ll also need to learn how to make your own booze, how to grow a sweet mountain man beard, and how to get laid when you don’t have a vehicle or a place to live that has running water. Good fucking luck.

3. Start your own business: Starting your own business isn’t that hard but starting a business that won’t suck ass to operate and that will actually make you money is. Here are some businesses that meet both on those criteria. You’re welcome.

• Strip club owner (bonus if it’s a rodeo themed midget strip club)
• Bar owner
• Hit-man/assassin
• Bank Robber
• Pirate
•  Professional poker player/gambler/bookie
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
• Fur trader
• Porno producer/porn star/porn director
• Beer brewer/alcohol distiller/moonshiner
• Mafia boss

Well, you’re on your own from here fuckers. Good luck. Try to make it out alive with a little bit of your dignity left. I hope to see you on the outside.

The Average Guy’s Random Identity Generator

There are times when an Average Guy hits the bars just to watch sports, or get drunk, or watch sports while getting drunk. Then there are times an Average Guy hits the bars to find some girl we want to nail and never, ever see again. Ever.

The clever guys can pull this off. The rest of us suffer from a severe case of the “oh, shits.” That’s when we get a call on our cell phone at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m., and noon, then every two hours until you’d rather crap razor wire than feel that disloyal little bastard vibrate in your pocket one more time.

Anonymous? Yes. Unappreciated? Never.

Your mistakes? 1) you gave some anonymous pair of tits your real name even though you don’t remember hers, and 2) you left your cell phone on the table when you got up to take a piss. Remember, if you’re scouting for something you’d never date, you’re lowering your standards. Hell, you just want to find something as quick and easy to get into as a steaming bowl of Top Ramens. You don’t want her showing up at your front door; the neighbors might see.

Rule No. 1 – leave no clues.

How do you do this? Getting a stealth lay is a mission, so do what every good secret agent does – become someone else.

Sure, being a secret agent looks fun in the movies, but assuming another identity isn’t as easy as the chick you’re looking for – and it shouldn’t be. Chasing tail, even skank, can be hard work.

For example, if you adopt an East Coast identity and you don’t study the customs, major exports, capitol cities, sports franchises, and most common venereal diseases of the East Coast, the chick’s going to know you’re lying and the chase is over – you lost. Once you have an identity, it has to be your identity. This means do your homework so you can answer questions drunk. Just saying you’re Turk Thunderfuck from Wet Pussy, Iowa, doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know corn grows in Iowa and you’re speaking with a fucking Irish accent.

Rolling your role

There's no such thing as a +4 Die of Getting Laid. Sorry, nerds.

To establish your one-night-stand identity, don’t get cute. Let’s face it, guys, some of us just aren’t that creative. To get around all the “Hi, I’m John Smith. I can’t give you my real name because I work for the CIA” bullshit, we’re going to make your identity randomly dependent on the roll of 6-sided dice.

Why 6-sided and not 12-sided? Because this isn’t Dungeons and Dragons, nerd. This is Dungeons and Dragons for people who are actually going to get laid. Average Guys don’t keep 47-sided dice around the house. We do, however, have a Yatzhee box in the garage full of 6-sided dice that could possibly cause a girl’s pants to spontaneously leap three feet from her ass into the back seat of your car. So, Poindexter, keep your Dungeon Master’s Guide away from my penis-to-vagina saving throw, or whatever shit I’m trying to say.

First roll – Region

The region fate chooses for you is important because that gives you a cultural identity. For that cultural identity, just go to Wikipedia. If the information’s wrong, which it probably is, just get her drunker than shit and she won’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now, grab a die from that Yahtzee game and get started.

1=Southwest

2=Midwest

3=East Coast

4=West Coast

5=Upper Midwest

6=South

Average Guy Getting Laid Tip: When finding your region, roll until you land in a region you’re not currently in. This not only makes it harder for the target to see through your subterfuge (that’s a big fucking word. I’m using it because I rolled Associate Professor from Threeway, Connecticut. Take that shit), people from other areas of the country seem exotic and more fun for chicks to blow. And I’ll take a sloppy drunk hummer over Chlamydia any day.

Second and Third rolls – Name

Your new name is only important to remember when she says, “Hey, Ben. My panties are soaked. Let’s go fuck on the roof.” YOU WILL WANT TO HEAR HER. As soon as you roll a new name, memorize it. You don’t need to know anything about your name. Who cares what Alexander means in Old English? And if the girl you’re hitting on asks what nationality McMahon is, look at her like she’s a fucking retard and start flirting with her friend. This is exactly what you want. This chick has the self-esteem of a boot. After five minutes of her friend giggling at your jokes she’ll have her tongue down your throat like Alien.

Name (roll for first and last)

Southwest

         First                         Last

2          Trent             2    Earp

3          Dennis          3    Holliday

4          Jose               4    Starr

5          Gordie           5    Cody

6          William         6    Carson

7          Rex               7    Hickok

8          Rick              8    Custer

9          Greg              9    Clanton

10       Arnold          10  Bean

11       Thomas         11  Younger

12       Gabe             12  The Kid

Midwest

2          Matthew        2    Twain

3          Daniel           3    James

4          Clark             4    Disney

5          Joseph           5    Truman

6          William         6    Eisenhour

7          Ryan             7    Sanders

8          David            8    Lincoln

9          James            9    Anheuser

10       Jonathan        10  Busch

11       Samuel          11  Reagan

12       Andrew         12  Kent

East Coast

2          Joshua           2    Alcott

3          Ethan             3    Coolidge

4          Anthony        4    Kennedy

5          Alexander     5    Longfellow

6          Noah             6    Barnum

7          Benjamin       7    Poe

8          Logan            8    Lovecraft

9          Brandon        9    Webster

10       Zachary         10  Emerson

11       Kevin            11  Hawthorne

12       Evan              12  Thoreau

West Coast

2          Caleb             2    Eastwood

3          Justin            3    Taylor

4          Austin           4    Marx

5          Aidan            5    Lightfoot

6          Isaiah            6    Brooks

7          Jordan           7    Shatner

8          Gavin            8    Heston

9          Connor          9    Cyrus

10       Aiden            10  Cruise

11       Cameron       11  Howard

12       Hunter           12  Smith

Upper Midwest

2          Tyler             2    Hogan

3          Nathan          3    Johnson

4          Christian       4    Austin

5          Dylan            5    McMahon

6          Gabriel          6    Ventura

7          Jack               7    Cena

8          Robert           8    Piper

9          Thomas         9    Flair

10       Luke              10  Bigelow

11       Muhammad   11  Jericho

12       Charles          12  Luger

South

2          Angel            2    Busch

3          Lucas            3    Gordon

4           Owen           4    Harvick

5           Landon         5    Hamlin

6           Diego           6    Earnhardt

7          Eric               7    Biffle

8          Nathaniel       8    Truex

9          Jesus             9    Rudd

10       Jeremiah        10  Johnson

11       Cole              11  Stewart

12       Wyatt            12  Jarrett

Fourth Roll – City

Intercourse doesn't always mean you're getting lucky.

Although your birth city is random, it – and the state – are vital to your pussy-infiltrating cover. When talking to some nameless XY at a bar, never mention the state unless asked. You might blow cover then you won’t get blown at all.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Chick: Hey, I’m from intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar. What year did you graduate?

Busted. The population of Intercourse, Pennsylvania is only about 1,500. Everybody not only knows everybody, they’re related to everybody.

Reboot.

Chick: Where are you from?

You: I’m from Intercourse.

Chick: Hey, I’m from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, too. You don’t look familiar.

You: Pennsylvania? I’m from Intercourse, Alabama. Wanna fuck?

Chick: Sure.

Score.

Southwest (one die)

Arizona
1-2 Organ Pipe
New Mexico
3-4 Organ
5-6 Pie Town

Midwest (two dice)

Illinois
2 Effingham

Indiana
3 French Lick
4 Gnawbone

Missouri

5 Climax Springs
6 Conception
7 Gobler
8 Knob Lick
9 Licking
Iowa
10 Sac City
11 Tingley
 Ohio
12 Blue Ball

East Coast (two dice)

Connecticut
2 Mianus

Virginia
3 Clam

4 Lipps
5 Needmore
6 Onancock
7 Threeway

Pennsylvania
8 Big Beaver
9 Blue Ball
10 Climax
11 Intercourse
12 Jugtown

West Coast (one die)

California
1-2 Confidence
3-4 Cool

Washington
5-6 Humptulips

Upper Midwest (two dice)

Michigan
2 Climax
3 Nirvanna
4 Paradise
Minnesota
5 Climax
6 Deephaven
7 Welcome
Wisconsin
8 Hustler
9 Liberty Pole
10 Spooner
11 Spread Eagle

North Dakota
12 Can do,

South (two dice)

Alabama
2 Screamer
 Arkansas
3 Gobbler
4 Three Way
5 Y-City

Florida
6 Mayo Junction
Georgia

7 Hopeulikit
 Kentucky
8 Knob Lick
Mississippi
9 Pokerflat
North Carolina
10 Whynot

South Carolina
11 Sugar Tit

Tennessee
12 Finger

For the Advanced Average Guy

If you’re feeling up to the challenge, take your new name, your boner, and move from your rolled region to a city in Bum Fuck Egypt. This takes more homework and is as hard to pull off successfully as your cock is right now.

Bum Fuck Egypt (two dice)

Alaska
2 Manley Hot Springs

Wyoming
3 Big Hole

Colorado
4 Climax
5 Dix
6 Last Chance
7 Romeo

Montana
8 Feely
9 Opportunity

Newfoundland, Canada

10 Dildo,
11 Upper Dildo (I am so not fucking making this up)

Nova Scotia, Canada
12 Meat Cove

For bonus points use an accent fitting of your new hometown, unless you rolled a town in the south.  If you use a southern accent women will think you are racist, inbred, and/or mentally retarded.

Profession

Choosing the right profession isn’t for the weak-minded. Left on our own, we’d probably say doctor, lawyer, or first baseman for the Triple-A (insert franchise name here). Those professions all sound desirably layable. But there’s a chance the girl you’re sniffing is a nurse, paralegal, or sports whore. Then you’re busted. Your profession needs to be as vague, readily explainable, or completely unverifiable as possible.

Bartenders get laid a lot. Even this guy? No, especially this guy.

2 Bartender

3 Travel writer

4 Airplane mechanic

5 Internet content consultant

6 Assistant professor of Zombology* at Mount (insert name of girl you’re trying to bone) College

Girl: Hey, the name of your college is my name, except for it says Mount Me.

You: Hey, you’re right. Our meeting must hold some deeper meaning. (To waitress) Hey, tequila over here, pronto.

7 Fortune cookie fortune editor

8 Assistant brewmeister for (insert regional brewery name here)

9 Professional sports franchise mascot

10 Grad student

11 Wholesale product distributor

12 Regional profession

*This is the study of zombies. Every Average Guy should be able to field random drunk questions on zombies. If not, you don’t deserve to get laid.

Regional Professions

Sometimes your newly adopted region will have professions that aren’t often found other places. In this case, you’ll sound even more exotic. Depending on how drunk the chick is you’re targeting, you might want to go ahead and take off your pants now.

Southwest: Cowboy

Midwest: Indian casino blackjack dealer
East Coast: Hair gel purchaser, T-shirt timekeeper, and general Guido wrangler for MTV’s Jersey Shore

West Coast: Gaffer

Upper Midwest: Canadian border patrol

South: Jaguar hunter

Or,

Bum Fuck Egypt

1-2       Forest ranger on Bear Mountain

3-4       Sasquatch biologist

5-6       Whaler

Happy boning.

The Average Guy’s Guide to Idioms

I know some of you are asking “What the fuck is an idiom?” According to Webster, it means the words you use in a phrase that don’t mean what they should – like “He hung his head.” We think it means, “he was ashamed,” what it actually means is, “the auto-erotic asphyxiation shit that killed David Carradine in that Bangkok hotel closet.” Why the fuck we decided that some dwarf from a 1980s sitcom gets to decide on the definition of words is beyond me but this picture is a good enough reason.

Fuck yeah.

            While idioms are commonly used in the English language, they are not adapted for the Average Guy. I’ve taken the liberty of altering some commonly used idioms for use by the Average Guy.

Common idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned.”

Sure, a penny saved is a penny earned but try to tell that to the angry pimp of the high-end hooker you just tried to pay for with a tube sock full of pennies. That shit isn’t going to fly.

Average Guy version of idiom: “A penny saved is a penny earned, but don’t use pennies to pay for hookers.”

Common idiom: “One in hand is worth two in the bush.”

I don’t know what the dick this is about but I would rather get two loads into some babes bush than get one off in the hand (I know how to jerk myself off better than she does and I’m not in fucking junior high). Besides the fact that this idiom is ass backwards, who the fuck has a bush anymore? For fuck’s sake the last time I saw a pussy with more hair on it than Hitler’s upper lip was when I was in grade school.

Average Guy version of idiom: “One in the bald is worth two in the hand.”

Common idiom: “Two heads are better than one.”

            You’re goddamn right two heads are better than one. So are two tongues and two vaginas. Let’s just simplify this one.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Two chicks are better than one.”

Common idiom: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”

            News flash, Lone Ranger: we’ve got a little something called cars now. Who the fuck still rides horses? And why the fuck won’t horses drink? Maybe they’d rather have something else to drink? I do know if you lead an Average Guy to beer he’ll drink it for sure. Maybe we should change this idiom to something we know to be a fact.

Average Guy version of idiom: “You can lead an Average Guy to beer, but he’s going to drink all of it.”

Common idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn.”

            There’s nothing wrong with tooting your own horn. In fact tooting your own horn is perfectly natural. Some times I toot my own horn several times a day. I toot my horn in the shower, at work, and sometimes even in church. The important thing to remember when tooting your horn is to use plenty of lubrication so you don’t injure your dong.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Don’t toot your own horn without plenty of lubrication.”

Common idiom: “He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

            I hope there’s another guy that has dip on his shoulder because I need some snacks to watch the game. Also I’d prefer if he had more than one chip on his shoulder because I’m fucking hungry.

Average Guy version of idiom: “He’s got chips on his shoulder… where the fuck’s the dip?”

Common idiom: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

            What the fuck is the point of having cake if you can’t eat it? Fuck this noise. I’m eating my cake.

Average Guy version of idiom: “I’ll eat your piece of cake if you’re not going to.”

Common idiom: “Cheaters never prosper.”

            Bullshit. Cheaters win. Average Guys love to win.

Average Guy version of idiom: “If you’re not cheating you’re not trying.”

Common idiom: “Carpe diem.”

            Carpe diem is Latin for “seize the day”. Average Guys don’t speak Latin because Latin is a dead language so it’s pointless to learn. You know who knows Latin? Scientists and fuck wads.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Seize the day.”

Common idiom: “You can’t please everybody all the time.”

            Average Guys don’t give a tenth of a fuck about pleasing people. We do what makes us happy. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.

Average Guy version of idiom: “Fuck you.”

Now that we’ve created Average Guy idioms (and obviously enriched the English language) it is the duty of each and every Average Guy to go out and start using these idioms instead of the old shitty idioms. Any Average Guy caught using the old version of these idioms is subject to deduction of man points and possibly revocation of his man card.